Doctor appt today, and he happily wrote up all the pain relief I needed prescribed for my shoulder.
I thought it might be difficult to get him to prescribe endone, panadeine forte, mobic, panadol osteo, and palexia.. but we went over how I was taking them all and he agreed that I was fine with how I was approaching it - and that taking such a variety of things meant actually taking less opioid based meds because I was able to keep on top of the pain with things like panadol osteo.
We also did my mental health plan and I hit a 40 on the K10.. which is Very Fucking High. We talked about that, and about how therapy is helping and that a big part of the 40 score is probably actually pain related as well.
He agreed that I showed great insight into my illness and that I was comfortable with being vulnerable enough to ask for help, so I get to skip hospitalisation (fucking yay!) because I have a good support system and I know how to access acute assistance if needed.
But still, 40 was even higher than I was expecting tbh. I'm usually around a 25-27.
I've started a new Fetlife group for disabled people. It was started after it became apparent that the other group was going to allow chasers to fetishise and objectify disabled people and that the group wasn't safe for us.
@actuallyautistic @audhd @adhd #Ptsd and #autism / #adhd
Often getting mixed up, indiscernible sometimes even to ourselves.
I don't believe that we are any less resilient compared to NT. I believe that we have to deal with two things, not one, without the support that NTpeople may feel.
I believe we have to get to the bottom of the things that trouble us, in order to feel healed. We feel compelled to be creating a maelstrom in our mindbodyconciousness, that draws in every part of the world we know, everything we are, until we have everything questioned, taken apart, because we feel that everything is affected, everything must change in order to heal the wound of whatever trauma we may have experienced. That's a lot of work. We tend to be bad at containing it, leaving all the other aspects of out life's experience where they are. I believe it's related to sensitivity and hyperconnected brain. And to the outsider view of ND people.
If I hold in one hand the effort of what we are trying to do, in order to heal , and in the other the symptoms of suffering and stress that we display, I believe they are evenly matched. Not every NT will see this picture and we may have trouble understanding ourselves . We may find it hard to create the necessary self- love without this understanding being reflected onto us.
I am actually finding us to be remarkably resilient. Going and going, until we have digested all of that huge vortex, changed our whole consciousness and created a whole different reality.👍 :bd243:
Prof. Yair Bar Haim, professor of Psychology and Neuroscience and director, the National Center for Traumatic Stress and Resilience, discusses the current situation in Israel. Specifically, what work psychologists perform on the ground while we are at war with Hamas.
He also provides guidance for those in the diaspora about dealing with the associated trauma of what is occurring in Israel.
There are just some mornings where I wake up and it feels like my brain and body are ringing the alarm bells that something is terribly wrong but I can't puzzle out why I'm overcome with panic and dread.
I've posted my opinion about the new hashtags, in the following article. I've prevented commenting directly on that article, because unfortunately the ActivityPub plugin makes a mess of it, when you have replies to replies.
(Actually... I'm not sure whether the plugin will prevent people from commenting in the fediverse... oh well.)
Finishing up The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma this week. I started this in July and set it down when we got back home from the cabin. I think it's time I get back to it.
I know I have PTSD and cPTSD but with so many other things to explore I've ignored PTSD for far too long. This is ridiculous... how have I not explored this more??
I think I'm I have so much low self-esteem I don't think I deserve to understand myself. My god, this is an awful thing to see in myself.
Lyft driver last night decided to tell me his life story. The guy was more than a bit unhinged, so I just let him talk.
Veteran, tours in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Starts talking about his domestic violence towards his ex-wife and children, laughing about how he had only jokingly threatened to break his children's legs, and when he stabbed his wife in the arm with a wire, it wasn't really a stabbing.
"I told the judge, if I had wanted to stab her, she'd be dead."
Complains in great detail about all the money she took from him, his prison time for the assault, and describes with glee hiding his assets in his vintage car. "New chrome, new hood, new tires - bitch wasn't gonna see that money!"
Continues on about how his new girl came from Iraq and knows what a war zone is like. Brags that he'll send her back if she doesn't marry him. Turns out he's never seen her in person, but has sent her over $7k through some online hookup site that charges per message. Goes off on how he helped her move from Canada to Chicago (we're in California), and complains about how each time he sends her money to come out west, she never shows up.
"I've bought the tux, the wedding dress - it's all ready to go - it's that or Iraq."
Note that all of this was punctuated with constant bouts of chuckling and provided completely unprompted - I said maybe three words the entire trip.
Why do I relate this story? First, it was watching bad karma in action, both the fuck around and find out phases wrapped up in a tidy taxi ride.
But I found myself wondering what he was like as a child... he was clearly struggling in the smarts department, but he had a natural friendliness that belied the horrible shit coming out of his mouth. It got me thinking to what this guy might have been like had the army not put a gun in his hand and sent him overseas to kill. He was in his forties, but his mind was that of a violent teenager - almost as if it had been frozen at the point in time when he was deployed.
I speak about this because I've seen the same pattern in other vets I've known, including some I went to high school with (1st Gulf War vets). Something gets permanently broken in them, keeping them in a state of constant angry adolescence that takes childish glee in abuse, cruelty and savagery as a way to normalize their experience.
And then they come home, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake as they try to integrate to a peacetime existence, unable to grow up, Peter Pan with a gun in hand.
I wish someone had made this clear to my friends who joined up. There's more than one of them who's too dangerous to be a friend to now.