She scolds me about not buying anything in the bar we hang at

Greetings.
I'm in quite of a pickle here, and just thinking about it will get me nowhere.

.

I attend a group hobby weekly.
Quite often we go for a follow-up hang-out in the local bar. I recall everyone else buying a drink and coming to sit down to have a chat.
I don't buy anything. I wait for the first of us ordering and then I follow them to the table.

One of our attendees has commented on my behavior twice so far.
First she said that I'm a bum. That I use the bar's staff and the place for my own benefit. There's a chance that she said that in front of someone else.
Last night she commented that I'm still doing this (we two sat alone for a while). She's afraid that they'll throw us out because of my behavior.

I explained that I rarely buy stuff from bars.
On the second comment I said that I'll probably continue this behavior to the end of times and they won't throw us out because everyone else spends money. And that my friend said that she or her friends do the same thing quite commonly.
I could have felt her loathing upon me.

I don't have the money to buy pricy consumables.
I have my own water bottle and sometimes snacks from a market to keep my belly full enough. Or then I don't eat anything and eat later.
I'm there because of the company.

The employees haven't commented anything about my behavior. I don't know, would they even care.

.

Thoughts?
Am I unfair or is she?

I'm thinking about asking her next time that should I just leave if I'm such a bother to her.
I'm also thinking about suggesting us to talk about this as a group.

.

EDIT: I don't think this is about alcohol. I believe most of them order something else cos it's late Monday and most people go to work the next day.
EDIT2: We don't have the tipping culture here.
EDIT3: Thanks for all the comments! You give my mind and feels some peace 💗

MrFunnyMoustache,

If you came there by yourself or with one other person and didn’t buy anything, she would probably be right… But if you’re in a group, you’re fine not to buy anything.

Either way, she’s a dick for embarrassing you in front of the rest.

lightnsfw,

Initially I was kind of on her side but thinking about it I can’t really justify it. As long as the establishment is cool with it you’re good. If you’re bringing your own food in that’s a little worse IMO but the main thing is if you’re not spending money don’t create more work for them. Just occupying a seat at a table with a group who’s all buying stuff should be fine.

Elektrotechnik,

I read a couple of answers here, but I thought I’d give my 2 cents anyway. I mostly agree with the others that said it’s not a big deal and seems to be a principle of hers.

I saw that you’re not from the US. In Germany, there’s an unwritten rule that you never bring any kind of food or beverage to a restaurant. We have other fun stuff like most restaurants not giving out free water or charging you for using the toilet if you haven’t bought anything.

I could see her being upset with you if you drank your own water and ate your own food in the restaurant. But, again, that’s only from my German point of view.

evranch,

That’s not just a German thing, here in Canada or the USA it’s strongly frowned on to bring your own food or drink to a restaurant or bar. And “no public toilet” snuck in to a lot of places at Covid time and never left.

Fast food is different and definitely not enforced but it’s still poor etiquette to eat anything other than small snacks or water there unless you’re part of a group. Like a bunch of guys stop at McDonald’s but one guy is like nah, I packed a sandwich, I’m gonna eat that.

Still it’s kind of expected that guy would buy a coffee or something. This is what I would do in OP’s situation, have a coffee or a diet Coke if you’re hanging out there for awhile. I wouldn’t complain about “pricy consumables”, it’s like $2.

funkless_eck,

Although in some ways i do get “it sucks that I can’t make money from people who use the bathroom” when you run a business, also — would you prefer I shit all over the floor? It’s not like I go into bathrooms for fun.

Damaskox,
@Damaskox@kbin.social avatar

I believe that also a coke is something around 5€ here

Etterra,

She sounds like a jerk. You sound perfectly normal to me. And having worked in fast food in the past, I can assure you, nobody cares. Now if it’s busy and your whole group is taking up table space and not ordering/fine eating, it’s polite to leave (especially if it’s a sit-down place where they rely on tips), but that’s about it.

teawrecks,

Just tell her, “I didn’t pick the place, you all did. If you’d like me to leave, I will.”

themurphy,

I don’t get why he should suggest leaving, as the problem is 100% on her. She’s inventing the problem - the staff couldn’t care less.

This guy is being harassed for not spending money. Like wtf. She should be the one leaving.

teawrecks,

If you want me to delete my post, I will.

cheese_greater,

Just ask for a glass of mineral water or “free” water with lime or some shit. Also, try to transition to caring less about what peeps say and just be as endearing as you can so nobody gives a shit except those who are jealous and likely trailing in value generation in the context of ur group

magnetosphere,
@magnetosphere@kbin.social avatar

You’re not doing anything wrong. As far as the name caller is concerned, find a way to respond to her politely yet firmly. Don’t sink to her level, or create reasons for others to criticize your behavior, but don’t take her abuse, either.

Perhaps act surprised if she brings it up again. “I told you that I don’t buy things from bars, and that I’d continue this behavior. What is unclear about that?” You have explained yourself as thoroughly as you need to. Don’t let her put you on the defensive. If she wants to make it an issue, that’s her problem. It’s her turn to explain herself.

Melkath,

Gut shot, I'd say it reads as mooch behavior.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my friends liked to hang out in a place called Coffee Talk.

It was this home that was never demolished in an area that long before was redistricted as industrial.

I'd go along. I had no money.

It was a cool cozy place to be and I enjoyed chilling there with the company of my friends.

They had a little money.

None of us were inclined to caffeine (the thrust of the revenue of a business called Coffee Talk).

Regularly, the crew would file in and would buy a 5 dollar red bull each that usually wasn't even opened, and then chill for HOURS.

I went through similar conversations. Most stressing "I feel the need to buy an extra drink to make up for you being here, and I don't particularly like paying your way."

Coffee Talk wasn't a youth center. It wasn't a YMCA. It was a crew of about 7 working hard to host a cozy chill spot funded by coffee sales with an open mic stage to resist this landmark being demolished and turned into annex parking for one of the neighboring office buildings.

My ass dirtied the seats. I disheveled the board game room many times.

I hadn't yet learned to have the situational awareness to see the difference between hanging at home, or at school, or at Coffee Talk.

A big part of me getting my first job was so I could pick up an "antique" from Coffee Talk for 5 to 12 bucks since I had no desire to purchase a coffee from Coffee Talk, but i wanted to be at Coffee Talk with my friends, and it was a business, not a community center funded as charity by a mysterious benefactor.

So... you can be a mooch, but your group doesn't want to be told to fuck off because they are taking more than they are giving, so you risk getting dropped off the invites.

asret,

Sometimes it pays to not go looking for problems.

The staff at such places can decide whether they want to ask a group to move on. Respect their choice to do so and stop trying to police your friends’ behaviours over your own fears.

pan_troglodytes,

tell them that you’re the designated driver and you cant drink - and you want to talk to their manager.

they’ll gtfo

Damaskox,
@Damaskox@kbin.social avatar

I don't think this is about alcohol.
I believe most of them order something else cos it's late Monday and most people go to work the next day.

Professorozone,

It sounds like THEY chose the bar as a meeting place. It’s not your fault that’s where they chose to associate. Did anyone say, “Let’s meet at the bar to hang out, but only those that buy bar stuff?” I doubt it. You shouldn’t feel pressured at all. It’s her problem. In fact, as far as I’m concerned SHE should be the one to leave if she’s uncomfortable. Or here’s an idea, she could offer to treat you to some onion rings or something, instead of complaining. If I sensed that someone in my group was not buying at the bar we meet in, every time, I’d start to think that person either had a drinking problem or didn’t have the money to buy there. Either way, I wouldn’t bring it up. I wouldn’t want to embarrass the person. I’d probably just buy an extra large something, or “accidently” order two of something and offer it up to that person.

Melkath,

Do you know what a business is?

Professorozone,

I know it’s BAD business to ask one person to leave his group of friends because he isn’t buying anything.

Do you know what a shill is?

saigot,

As far as the staff are concerned If the place is packed then I think it’s a tad dickish to repeatedly not get anything. It’s there’s still lots of free space then it’s no big deal.

WRT to your other buddies you are taking a bit of a privilege, if all the other people you were going with were also unwilling to buy anything then you would run into trouble wouldn’t you. Pointing out someone isn’t buying is imo much much ruder though.

Although personally dropping a fiver every 2 weeks to avoid interpersonal conflict seems like a pretty good deal. Ultimately how your other friends view it and the social standing of the complainer matter a lot. If the hobby has shared supplies I would make extra sure that you are contributing your fair share there.

Rev3rze,

If the place is packed it still wouldn’t change anything for the business. It’s not like OP’s spot at the table would be occupied by a random patron, it’d be an empty chair at the table that OP’s friends are sitting at. But yeah I can’t imagine being that frugal and still going to bars. I would either invite everybody to go some place free (the park when it’s nice out, my place if it’s close enough) or indeed just buy a drink every now and then.

owenfromcanada,
@owenfromcanada@lemmy.world avatar

If most other people didn’t buy anything, they probably wouldn’t choose to hang out at a bar, and there wouldn’t be a problem. As it stands, OP isn’t hurting anyone, and anything they’re “taking” by being there and not buying is likely negligible.

Based on the staff never having an issue with it, it sounds like in OP’s case that they’re not taking a seat in a packed place, either.

Damaskox,
@Damaskox@kbin.social avatar

I've never seen the place packed. Maybe 33% full tops.

WRT?

.

...if all the other people you were going with were also unwilling to buy...

Everyone else orders.

dropping a fiver

I'm not familiar with this saying. Meaning?

If the hobby has shared supplies...

Nope. Everyone buys their consumables with their own money after the hobby time, separately from the hobby activity.

mrbaby,

WRT

With Regards To

dropping a fiver

Spending a relatively small amount of money. Fiver referring to the denomination of the currency. £5, €5, $5, etc. About the price of one drink.

ArcaneSlime,

As a person who worked in the industry for a decade, they clearly don’t care, or they would have said something. I’d only care if you were starting trouble and that is clearly not the case. Some bars will care about bringing in outside food or drinks, but that’s about it.

My honest advice: just order a water from the bar. In most bars (at least in America) the water is free and the bartender will just assume you’re the DD, and it might shut your clearly crazy/controlling friend there up.

pineapplelover,

What’s a DD?

Nihilore,
@Nihilore@lemmy.world avatar

Designated driver

aMockTie,

Designated Driver, i.e. the person who won’t be drinking any alcohol so that they can safely (and legally) drive the rest of the group home. Mostly a US thing where driving is the primary means of transportation.

Thisfox,

DD is common in Australia too. Sometimes they even give you free fizz to DDs.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Look, she’s obviously being passive aggressive towards you. The guy saying “tell her to buy you something if she’s uncomfortable” is spot on. She’s trying to shame you over being different, aka tall poppy syndrome. Show some teeth or she will keep pecking at you. Yes, talk it with the group. If everyone agrees with this bitch it’s time to find yourself better friends. You shouldn’t be providing an excuse for why you don’t want to buy or consume something. Maybe you are not hungry, or you don’t want to drink alcohol that late on a weekday or maybe you do intermittent fasting- who knows, what gives, wtf. Seriously.

janonymous,

Some of these comments are way too harsh!

I agree there is nothing wrong with your behavior. I think people are insensitive or just ignorant of others financial situation.

There are a lot of people who can’t afford too many unnecessary expenses. Still there are those who never had to think to much about expenses like drinks in a bar or food in a restaurant. They might not even be conscious of the fact that the people around them might have it different.

Then there is the general stigma around money, especially not having any. Many people are actively afraid that others could think they don’t have money. Feelings of shame and embarrassment around money are not uncommon. These are strong enough to lead to second hand embarrassment, seeing someone else showing signs of not having money. This can be very uncomfortable for them to experience, especially if they weren’t aware of it or don’t have much experience with it.

That is why it’s nice not to assume that everybody in the group can afford to go to a bar. I know it’s not easy to talk about money, but I think it’s important to be upfront with your wealthier friends if you can’t afford to go to the bar. They might reconsider going to somewhere else or someone’s flat instead or just invite you. It shouldn’t be upon the less wealthy to do this, but it’s an unfortunate reality in most circles I know. The only exceptions are circles where it’s common to have no money…

As for the bar and staff: they might talk and joke about it, because it’s unusual, but they would be pretty short sighted to mind it. If you come with a group that pays, they make money. You could always leave and find some place that doesn’t mind that one of you won’t order anything.

You could try a sort of compromise and order a glass of tap water, assuming that it’s free in your country of course. That way you order something, but make it clear that you won’t spend any money. You are not sneaking in and instead being upfront with the staff.

In any case don’t let yourself get bullied into spending money, when you can’t or don’t want to. I have myself been in the situation often enough that I couldn’t really afford such expenses or rather wanted to save my limited money to spend it somewhere else. It’s already an uncomfortable place, made harder by situations like that. However, there is nothing wrong with not having a lot of money and being open about it.

Damaskox,
@Damaskox@kbin.social avatar

...it’s important to be upfront with your wealthier friends if you can’t afford to go to the bar

In some other/a general scenario this sounds fine 🙂
In my case - I couldn't care less about the part of not being able to buy a drink or drinking only water when someone else took something else. So, it's fine by me to sit with them in a bar.

It's her behavior that made a mood drop.
Besides...she knows that I live on the basic income support so I believe this isn't the case in my situation 🤔

They might reconsider going to somewhere else or someone’s flat instead or just invite you

Sounds nice!
In my case - I don't think anyone lives that close to the bar, and the bar has been used as a place to hang afterwards by this group for years (I believe).

.

You could try a sort of compromise and order a glass of tap water, assuming that it’s free in your country of course. That way you order something, but make it clear that you won’t spend any money. You are not sneaking in and instead being upfront with the staff.

💗

Rentlar,

Unless your friend works at this place, or any of the staff confront you on it, you aren’t doing anything wrong. The bar appreciates the business from your friends, they aren’t going to get tied up in a knot just because someone brought in their own water to drink.

Unruly or entitled behaviour will get your group kicked out, paying customers or not.

Damaskox,
@Damaskox@kbin.social avatar

She is not working at this place. (Well I assume so - she hasn't said she does and I don't think she behaves (otherwise) in a way that would say otherwise).

owenfromcanada,
@owenfromcanada@lemmy.world avatar

Another thing to consider–if you have a chance when it’s not busy, you can ask one of the staff. Chances are they don’t mind at all. Then, when your asshat friend judges you, you can say with confidence that it’s fine, you talked it over and everyone is good with it.

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