Not to you know brag or anything here guys but I did have 3 people fighting over me once.
2 of them actively ended up sleeping together to try and get me to pick one of them.
I chalk it up to, “pfft it’s because he uses Linux.”
Kidding of course. In all honesty, I had gone through a very confusing breakup. At the time I was sleeping with three people. All of them knew about one another and they all knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious because of the previous breakup. I was also trying to finish school.
All three people were really sweet and I still talk to two of the 3 and they are good people. We were all 4 going through a confusing time in our life. The one I don’t speak to now is married. I wish all of them well.
Also, before you ask. (You won’t but I feel the need to clarify) I am genuinely meh on the attractive scale or so I am told. So I don’t know which black magic was at work but it was a fun and stressful time.
I am reading half of these stories and just appreciating how all three of the people knew about each other and all ended up being chill with one another and me. You all are dealing with some crazy shit.
Mine put me through over a year of terror and false accusations in court ranging from hiring a gang to beat him up, pouring sugar in his tank when I didn’t even know where he lived, to our kids not being his. Then two days before his wedding to his new victim, sent me an email asking if I was really truly sure I didn’t want to get back together.
Ya, they don’t ever want me back by the time it’s over. I like to burn bridges with napalm. I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating. I however, do not date cheap floozies on the side.
I like to imagine that when you come in and see her you sing
And so you’re back From outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me
Lying about events that allegedly happened while we were engaged, and expecting me to actually believe her. Specially when she switched who did what.
For example. “I even cooked at late night for you!” - err… no. She only cooked for me a handful of times, all of them afternoon snacks. (I’m not a big fan of afternoon eating but I appreciated the gesture.) I was cooking for her fairly often, including preparing a “fake” barreado (kind of stew) at 3AM.
Or claiming that a common friend (a woman) openly mocked her while we were drinking with friends, and I did nothing. I was there and I remember what friend said - a single sentence, roughly “hello and bye for both of you!”, since that friend was leaving as we were arriving on the bar. Even if she wanted to mock my then girlfriend, she wouldn’t have the time to do so.
What makes those funny is not the fact that she was lying, but that they’re such idiotic lies that you can smell the bullshit from a kilometre of distance.
once i binged a shitload of adderall for 3 weeks to paint a realistic oil painting of a cat for my ex to try to win her back. It was a very good painting, amazing imo with my lack of training
It wasn’t even of her cat though i literally googled cats and copied one. Idk what I was thinking. She just always wanted me to paint something that wasn’t abstract lol
No it didn’t work but she still has it 11 years later so that’s nice at least
I was going out with this chick for a while and we had just gotten serious for maybe a month and then she just goes and sleeps with some dude, she confessed and I dumped her by text. Then she has the gall a week later to chase me down the street begging to speak to me and apologizing while I was trying to walk home. At first I ducked I into a gas station to get away but even after I left it after 5 mins I was still followed for 1/2 mile. Like bruh.
She had the gall a week later to chase me down the street begging to speak to me and apologizing…i was still being followed for 1/2 mile.
I would have heard her out if i was you. Not because I’d take her back or believe a single word that comes out of her mouth, no, no, but the sheer audacity of doing that + the desperation to get you to listen…nah, whatever fiction she came up with HAS to be some Oscar-worthy writing instead of the whole “it was a mistake!” if she borderline stalked you to share it, and then thought for a second she still had a shot with you after.
That, or her (non-existent) balls are bigger than her brains.
Bruh not even. During that time I would take the bus and she would pass by my bus stop, slow down make eye contact then speed up. Wierd af. Like man why are you gonna play around with someone like that. Years later she had the gall to try and speak to me after I specifically told her not to contact me again years ago, because come on who would take that shit? Good lay though.
And I am once again reminded why you never stick your dick in crazy. The lay might have been worth it, but all the bullshit after? Fuck that, I’d rather find my someone whose not gonna make my canities worse even if the suck in the sack. Shit, I’m no pornstar myself so.
Please tell me you either put as much distance as humanly possible from her, got a restraining order on her ass, or, and god help them, she found someone else to haunt…
Offering me to do drugs together one last time even if he knew I was clean since a few years (this is not only cringe but also shitty, luckily I was in a good period so I refused) Then about 5 years after our separation he called my mom to tell her that he was still in love with me 🤦♀️
This. Reading this thread makes me sad and wonder where I went wrong in life.
Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen IT as a career. Or maybe my parents shouldn’t have sent me to an all-boys school, which made me shy and awkward around girls even in my later years. Maybe I should’ve fooled around in my college and uni days, instead of concentrating on my studies. What did all my efforts get me? What was I even working so hard for? Forget being in a relationship, I haven’t even kissed a girl yet. Sigh.
oh yeah fair but also i just commented that because I thought itd be funny. you’re in IT, have you considered just being a furry?? its a good social lubricant.
Hey, don’t be hard on yourself like that. Sometimes things happen or don’t happen, and we don’t have a clue why. Time can pass so quickly and we can lose ourselves so easily.
But that doesn’t diminish you in any way. I know what I’m talking about. I lost the best years of my life, and no one will ever understand or have some sympathy for it. People are too quickly to judge or to give weird “advices” that feel much more like a kick than anything else. Our lives are so complex and can’t be reduced to simple encouragement words.
I’d advise you to explore yourself a bit more. Perhaps you’re restraining yourself somehow, perhaps you had a too restrictive environment, perhaps you have some undiagnosed condition (that was my case), perhaps something else. Sometimes we try to live life forcing ourselves to be what others expect of us, and we will fail so miserably, but we can live as who we are, and things start to improve progressively.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about how people use and fail at dating apps. I joke I should write a book about how to do better (and not in a gross pick up artist way)
So I’m mildly curious about your experiences, but you don’t owe me a biography. Hope you find happiness!
I mainly used Hinge and Bumble. Fully fleshed out, verified profiles on both of them, clearly describing what I was after (ie, after a serious relationship, looking for a child-free vegan partner etc). Had premium subscription on both of them too, for more filter options and chances of getting matched. I also followed the golden rule of only swiping right on someone who actually matched my interests, and someone I could see myself having a relationship with (so no swiping on Instagram models and obvious catfishers).
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
I was doing this religiously for several months, spending at least an hour or two each day, going thru all the profiles, reading all their bios, searching again with different filters in case my strict filters missed someone etc. And after months of doing this, I burnt out. I didn’t manage to land a single meetup, never mind actually having a date. It made me very depressed and my self esteem took a big blow, it made me wonder whether it was really worth wasting so much time on this, only to end up getting depressed. So I binned the whole idea of actively looking for someone, and thought I’d be best to leave it up to fate, and decided to just go back and focus on my career and hobbies instead.
It’s been over six months now since I’ve been away from the dating game and mentally I’m doing so much better. I’ve got a new job which is going well too, I’ve been hitting my goal of 10,000 steps a day and have pretty much sorted out all my diet/nutrition bits where I was lacking a bit previously, plus I’m enjoying the new Cyberpunk 2077 update on my PS5 which has finally lived up to its hype, so, life is good and I can’t really complain. I’ve accepted that not all people can have everything, so I’ve moved on. In saying that, I would be lying if I didn’t feel jealous seeing people with partners or when I see threads like these, but I guess I just have to not dwell on it, and move on with my life.
I had written so much and I clicked up vote on the comment below this and it vanished. I am so sad. Let me try again.
It sounds like you were doing a lot right! But this:
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
What happened here? How long were you chatting?
My advice (to anyone, maybe not you if you’re off the apps) is to ask people out sooner. If they matched with you and responded reasonably well to your first message, they have signalled interest. That’s most of what you need.
I usually match, write a message specific to them (never send a generic message, guys!), and then see what they say. After a handful of good exchanges I’ll usually ask them out. If you ever end on like “let’s chat again tomorrow” when you’re still interested and you haven’t asked them out, you probably fucked up
“Do you want to have a date, talk more about {X}, and see if we get along in person?” has worked well for me.
If you don’t ask them out, someone bolder will, and most people will prioritize a real person they’ve met over a blip in an app.
One of my women friends often complains about men who write and chat and dither and never ask her out.
I hope this helps someone. It does sound like your life is in a good place though.
Cheers for the reply and sorry you lost your original comment, I hate it when that happens to me!
What happened here? How long were you chatting?
Nothing really, they just never went anywhere. I would usually chat for maybe 2-3 days, and I think the longest chat I’ve had active was for a week. The problem is I’m not really good at chatting (it just feels so fake asking the same old small talk stuff, like you know, how you feel inside when put on a fake smile?), and I don’t know how to organically switch from a random small talk to asking them out.
After a handful of good exchanges I’ll usually ask them out.
Whats your criteria for this? What’s a good number of exchanges, and do you ask your dealbreaker / serious questions during this time, or just keep it all casual, like asking them about their interests etc?
I might come back and write a longer reply when I’m not on my phone. Edit: lol this got real long. Let me try to be helpful with this tiny keyboard in the meantime.
I would usually chat for maybe 2-3 days, and I think the longest chat I’ve had active was for a week
That is too long to be chatting! When I first started dating I would also talk to people over messages for a long time, and also I got no dates. Then one of my friends was like “I just ask 'em out. What are they going to do, say no?” That’d be doing you a favor because you can move on.
The problem is I’m not really good at chatting Relatable. Most of us aren’t naturally good at it. But the good news is the bar for acceptable is pretty low, and you can get better with practice
(it just feels so fake asking the same old small talk stuff, like you know, how you feel inside when put on a fake smile?)
What sort of topics are you chatting about? In my head there’s like a rough hierarchy of quality topics
Best : something explicitly on their profile you’re interested in. You can usually assume if someone wrote “I love NK jemisen’s books” they will be happy to talk about that. Remember to try to ask open ended questions!
Okay: something implicitly on their profile you’re interested in, like if they live in a neighborhood you like, if they have a job title you can relate to.
Bad: generics like weekend or holiday plans. Think hard before using this.
Unacceptable: anything about their body. Anything solely about you. Copy-pasted messages.
Embarrassingly bad: “hey”. Do not under any circumstances send a dead end message like “hey”. You open with a hook or you don’t open.
For example, I matched with a woman whose profile said something like “tell me about cool [music] shows!”. We matched, I wrote something like “hello! There’s this amazing band Screaming Females playing Thursday. You ever listen to them? I saw the singer crowd surf while playing a solo once!”. She wrote back that that sounded amazing. We talked a bit more (the details escape me and I can’t find the original conversation now, a year later), and within the hour I asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink. She said yes. We had a great time.
Side note: probably don’t do a first date at a concert. You need to be able to talk to your date, and also bail early if it’s terrible!
and I don’t know how to organically switch from a random small talk to asking them out.
This used to give me a lot of trouble, too. In my experience you don’t really have to be very organic about it , really.
It’s like:
your initial message
their good response
your follow up
their good response
explicit check for deal breakers
your “amazing. Do you want to go out for a drink and see if we get along?”
The last two can feel a little weird, but you really need to get to an in person date if you want to have any luck.
Whats your criteria for this? What’s a good number of exchanges, and do you ask your dealbreaker / serious questions during this time, or just keep it all casual, like asking them about their interests etc?
I don’t have a firm rule but I feel like two or three quality messages are enough. If I’m getting dead end replies (where they respond but don’t ask anything) I might fish a little longer if they’re really hot or something. Try not to let the conversation roll into another day.
Side note: I highly recommend the rule of three. Don’t send three messages in a row. You can send one message. If you don’t hear anything, you can send a second. Under no circumstances should you send a third message in a row. Working backwards from that, make your second message good. Don’t blow it on “hey wyd?”.
I also have a pretty big potential deal breaker about myself. It’s listed explicitly on my profile, but a lot of people don’t read profiles. I ask before asking them out. Usually with something like “Before we get too invested, did you see the thing in my blurb about {deal breaker}? Is that something you’re comfortable with?”
Some people bail at that point. But that’s fine. If people respond positively, that’s a great time to ask them out.
But many people don’t! If they’re cool with it, I ask them out. Suggest a date and location and see what they say.
Once plans are made, I generally do not keep texting. The more you text before meeting, the more likely you are to say something that doesn’t land right. People are fickle. In person you have body language doing you a lot of favors.
I do text the day before to confirm they’re still up for it, and then when I leave the house to head to the date, but that honestly might be a bit much. I’m just really burned by being ghosted or dealing with poor communicators, I over communicate a little myself.
Unrelated tip: have some date plans ready to go. I’ve got a handful of local bars (walking distance from my home :finger guns:), a couple places in a more central location, two non alcoholic ideas
Ok I should get back to work. Hope this helped someone! Feel free to ask more.
Hey man I know it doesn’t help in this moment but I’m in IT and everyone on my team is married except for our youngest guy who is engaged. It’s possible, but it’s hard - you have to put yourself out there and take some risks. Dating apps can be wild but they can also work, just keep trying and see what happens!
Relationships take effort and luck. You have to work on yourself to be prepared, put a lot out of effort into social things to meet people and develop relationships, and then most don’t work out and you’re sad for a bit.
The luck part is a huge part of the equation. Two people are perfect on paper but the “spark” doesn’t happen. Maybe they could have a great relationship but the starting conditions weren’t right to form a relationship. Having a close relative die, or having a mental health issue really early in a relationship can force a wedge that can’t be overcome yet. A normal wedge that all relationships deal with regularly once they’re established, but can’t deal with in the first few weeks.
The only advice that worked for me (I was raised with very few other kids my age) when I started dating in college was that the skills to make a romantic relationship were just people skills. That I should intentionally strike up conversations with anyone I don’t know. Most people have something to occupy their time. I try to find that out in the first conversation I have with someone. You can see when someone’s expression changes when the ice breaks and they shift into excitedly talking about a new personal best in a 10k run, or getting a major part in King Lear, or published their first full comic book or novella.
I had to hone my ability to talk about my hobbies. At the time I was finding gargantuan prime numbers. I had to work on how to describe it to people to make it slightly approachable.
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