People who've been to a (regular) party, what do people do there?
By “party”, I mean a physical social gathering of people for the purposes of having fun. It may be used in a sentence as “I am throwing a party!” or “Let’s party!”.
Basically what I am trying to say is the default “party”.
I’ve never been to any, and I have no idea how people spend their time on parties, so I am curious how you did.
We usually eat variety of food (some classic party foods like chips but often also cheeses, hand made appetizers brought by guests and some main cooked by the host), enjoy boardgames and chat. That’s about it.
You can either walk around and talk to people (most people are receptive to being spoken to) or nervously hold your drink in hand, as you wait for someone to approach you.
Personally I prefer the former. If I’m by myself I just look for someone who seems nervous and uncomfortable. I’m friendly, and as long as I’m in a good mood I tend to make people feel comfortable around me- but I have had times where I just stand there. Standing and waiting is highly unpleasant. Better to hide in the bathroom if that’s what you’ll be doing instead of chatting. Highly recommend chatting or “mingling”
(If someone is lame, boring or seems uninterested, just approach someone else. Most groups will also make a space for you if you approach them in the event that there are no loners)
This part is hard but you need to push yourself through it. The worst thing that can happen is that no conversation develops and you have to do it again.
Another favorite of mine is walking around to see what different groups are talking about. If there’s a topic that you know about, just ask them if that’s indeed the topic of the conversation and if it is, you just joined.
The reason I like lemmy, and reddit before, is that it feels like a cocktail party. You wander into a conversation already in progress, listen awhile, maybe say something, maybe make a new human connection.
(Sorry I kinda alternate between second and first person, between recounting experience of what I do and giving advice, may make for a weird read so apologies in advance)
For me house party or bar it’s usually:
arrive roughly half an hour to an hour late. (If it’s a close friend’s party however I’ll arrive early or on time to help set up and kick the party off right, decent friend maybe 15 mins late)
try to find the host and say hi, if they’re occupied talking to someone else, then no worries, give them a wave and hopefully circle back at a better time (if the host knows you’ve arrived, and they’re a good host, they may help introduce you to people later e.g. they say to whoever they’re currently talking to “Oh my mate luklmy is here, he also has a beagle, I’ll introduce you!”. This gives them a chance to catch up with you, introduce you to someone new, and then excuse themselves to work the room
a good opener is “Hey I’m YYYY, how do you know [host’s name]?” it gives you a bit of an insight into the person (are they a school mate? Diving buddy? Valorant squad member?) and your first springboard into a conversation. If they don’t have a good thread to pull at, then it’ll turn to you to share how you know the host. It can be good to roll into anecdotes from here e.g. “[Host name] was such a brat at school, did she tell you the time that…” or “[Host name] is a beast at Valorant but she wouldn’t let on, last night it was 3v1…”. That’ll give you the threads to continue
it can also be good, when appropriate, to ask “Hey do you know anyone else at this party?” and give them a chance to point out more people, or call them over into the conversation, now rather than a one on one convo, you’ll have a bit of a group convo going on. You may be involved (great! You’re meeting more people) or you may get kind of closed out as they talk about in group stuff. If the latter then no worries, you can make a clean exit by saying “Hey it was nice talking to you all, I’m gunna go say hi to those people over there” you could even double back to see if the host is free
if a conversation is going well and we’re vibing, I may say something like “Hey can I get you a drink? Do you know where the esky/fridge is?” or “I’ll go grab us some chips. Which way is the kitchen?” or whatever then make my way over. With any luck there may be someone at the esky who I can strike up a convo with, and if they also seem cool then say “Hey come over and meet [person you were just talking to]”. The person you were just talking too as well may have started talking to someone new in the time you were going to get a drink, so you’ve got another person to meet straight when you come back! Too easy!
if a conversation is getting stale or going poorly you can break it off in a few ways. Similar to the above you can say “Hey it’s been really nice talking to you, I’m gunna go say hi to person over there/get myself a refill/check up on the barbecue/dip my toes in the pool/find the bathroom” then go do that thing (you don’t want to be the person who ends a conversation, then walks around the corner to stare at their phone, then the person you were talking to comes around and sees you.
If you smoke, you can take a smoke break. Honestly, this is terrible advice, but I was a social smoker because it gave me a ready excuse to break from a noisy party. You’ve also got a ready made group of people to meet. Even if you don’t smoke, you can go hang out with them with the line “Hey I’m just gunna go get some fresh air” then make your way outside.
There’s a bit of ebb and flow at the start of the party as the vibes settle in. As you probably noticed there’s a lot of making polite excuses to move around the party or draw more people into your convo if you prefer that. Once convos get big enough and people have put away a few drinks you may get people suggesting drinking games or Smash Bros or a dip in the pool or whatever it may be. It’s fun to get involved.
For me, if I’m drinking, I may hit a point of being buzzed enough that it feels like second nature, I become a lot less self conscious, and enough stuff is happening around me to react to that things don’t require effort to get going.
If however I’ve had a few drinks and things don’t take off, and everything still feels stilted despite my best efforts, I’ll probably just call it a night. I’ll find the host if I can and make an excuse (Have to feed the cat/last train home/visiting my parents tomorrow) if it’s a good friend I may say as much “Hey man just not feeling it this evening, gunna make an early mark, thanks for throwing the party”. On the way out, if there was anyone I particularly enjoyed talking to, I’ll make sure to say goodbye and if I haven’t already I’ll ask for their contact.
As dasharezone says, if you’re not feeling it you can just hit the bricks.
Hope this makes sense, it’s kind of a base format that is essential to most kinds of standing party, alcohol or none, daytime or night.
Yeah pretty much what @InputZero said (thanks, I was snoozing so couldn’t reply).
I wanted to learn because I’m introverted and have social anxiety too.
I kinda forced myself to be sociable during uni: I volunteered, I went to clubs and societies parties, I went to faculty networking events. After uni I hosted a couple of meetups and continued with some voluntary roles in the organisations I’d joined during uni. In my early stage career I had to attend some work events too. Over that time there were friends’ birthdays, impromptu parties etc. I live in a large city so there’s always something going on.
Throughout this I wanted to find a low friction approach that helped me meet people that didn’t leave me totally wrung out at the end of the evening (just less wrung out). I find intense one on one convos to be interesting but more draining. If I went to a party and hit a half hour intense convo out of the gate, then I wouldn’t last long. I found if I didn’t move around then there would be a high chance I’d get engaged in a long convo, or find myself on my own getting increasingly self conscious. So I had to find out something that worked for me.
But yes, for me it was practice. It’s also important not to get too formulaic. You don’t want to turn the party into a networking event where you try to meet as many people as possible and grill them with a stock list of questions. (You also don’t want to do that at a networking event, either…).
It’s also kind of a like that Groucho Marx quote but taken positively vis “I’m happy to be a member of any party that will have me”. If you’re there, then you’re the kind of person who belongs there. There’s all sorts of people at a party including people like you who are making an effort™ but you won’t know who they are until you meet them.
Hanging out with the host’s pet is fine :) for a party ultimately it’s just a chance for the host to bring their favourite people together to enjoy themselves, if you’re the kind of person the host is friends with, then you’ve got a good chance of having something in common with the host’s other friends you haven’t met yet.
I’ll say again, it’s kinda horses for courses at a party. My way of navigating a party is a rule of thumb I’ve devised for myself over time, and some other people follow a similar vein for their own reasons. If you do find an activity you enjoy lots, or get into a really interesting discussion with only one person that evening that you both enjoy, then that’s cool too! Nobody’s really there to enforce everyone has to enjoy it in the same way. If you had fun, then you came out ahead.
I have this super extroverted friend that I would sometimes take to parties. He was from another town and he would visit me while I was in university. I’d roll up to a party where I knew maybe a handful of people, and this mf by the end would be friends with everyone there.
His fun little party trick was introducing himself to everyone and then remembering their names and then introducing everyone else to each other. “Oh hey Jackie, have you met David?” Either they didn’t and he became a big social hub at the party or worse-case they’d already known each other for 10 years and it was this hilarious joke. It was very fun.
He introduced me to so many people that would ask after him, like “where’s your crazy friend? He was funny.”
Basically, if possible, I highly recommend taking an extrovert with you.
If you’ve ever been to a festival or fair, think of it as a miniature version of that. It’s mostly just a hangout for people to do fun things they wouldn’t do everyday, since they feel the day is exceptional.
People say “party” but really it is an awkward conversation generator. Unpleasant.
I get bored easily, so I bring instruments and play along with the music or the other musicians. Or, increasingly, I am the music.
I also bring my spindle, or my sewing. Or I stand around the kitchen helping with the food. Find a thing you do well, whether it is barbecuing skewers on the hotplate or pouring drinks, and then it will be a thing to do with your hands making for less awkward. Be helpful. And don’t get too drunk because drunk people aren’t as awesome as they think they are.
Since I didn’t see any responses that directly answered the question of what do you DO, I’ve prepared a short guide for a generic social gathering. This guide may be inappropriate in some contexts such as a dinner party or event/tv show watching party, etcetera:
Show up
Not at the exact start time, but at a minimum of 15-20 minutes “late”
Bringing an unopened bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer, or another drink of choice is almost always a classy move.
If you drove, don’t park like an asshole. Consider the neighbors.
If you’re standing on the doorstep and you can hear music, it’s probably safe to just walk in (make sure you’re at the right place!). Otherwise, knock/ring doorbell.
Party!
Get yourself a drink and/or a plate of food if snacks are out
Find friends and say hi! You should probably know at least one other person. How else would you have been invited?
Explore! Hosts expect people in their house so it’s generally okay to look around, admire artwork, investigate the music, go into the backyard, etc. Don’t go anywhere that’s obviously closed off, unlit, or otherwise not a party locale.
Talk and socialize. Meet new people! Ask your friend(s) to introduce you to their friend(s). Lightly eavesdrop on convos for something interesting you can talk about. Listen in general. Ask people what they like to do. Share stories about yourself! Pro tip: the length of your stories should be proportional to how well you know the person you’re telling it to. Just met the person? Suuuuper short stories. “No way! That reminds me of the time my cat was in the bathroom when she got hit by a car! The vet said she was very lucky to have a good friend!” (Confession: I used autocomplete to write that story)
Dance!
Find the host and complement their place, the party, the music, food, whatever. Just be nice. Offer to help if they look at all stressed.
Play party games like beer pong or whatever.
Leave! Say thanks. Take your stuff. Cleanup whatever plates/glasses you’ve used. Don’t drive drunk. Don’t overstay your welcome.
This was probably too much info. I have insomnia. I hope someone reads this.
At the “talk and socialize” bullet, I was imagining sidling up to some group I don’t know, eavesdropping on their conversation, and standing there like a creep trying to figure out the best time to say anything relevant to contribute, but failing and standing awkwardly in silence until I just walk away.
Haha, I can definitely understand this feeling. It can be difficult to overcome! It doesn’t always “work”, and sometimes you will just stand there awkwardly. The good news is that nobody is going to care or remember. Seriously. You’re basically an NPC to people you don’t know. I’ve been to hundreds of parties in my life and have zero tangible memories of other people’s “awkward proximity”. Nobody cares about you as much as you do, which is slightly sad but majorly liberating.
I mean, it doesn’t sound fun written out in bullets but parties are usually a great time for my own socially anxious neurodivergent ass lol. That said, besides work events, I haven’t gone to a party where I don’t already know most of the people in years. Jumping alone into a convo of strangers is my hell.
Good parties are wonderful, the type of party described above does sound miserable but you can choose which parties you want to attend. Personally I like parties that revolve around board games and interesting conversations where the only real social rule is to bring something: cheeses, an appetizer, weird booze, just something so all the provisions aren’t the sole duty of the host.
Not late late, just late enough that the host has had time to make sure everything is in order, or just to not be the first guest to show up.
Usually a party lasts at least a few hours, so showing up 30 minutes after the start of the party isn’t “being late,” it’s just showing up to a party in progress. Unless it’s a specifically scheduled “arrive at 8pm” kind of affair, in which case the host would mention it and you’d be expected to be there at that time.
I’d add it also depends on your familiarity with the host. Most hosts don’t appreciate if the first guest is a friend of a friend or distant coworker that they feel obliged to entertain while still busy with final preparations. Whereas if you’re a good friend, they can (often) feel more comfortable saying yeah make yourself at home I’ve got last minute things to do.
Because arriving at a party when there’s not many people around can be awkward especially if you aren’t already friends with the host. So you wait for more people to arrive first.
It’s a really weird thing and something you should carefully consider based on the type of party. The 15 minutes late advice only really applies to getting drunk parties in college.
Yeah if this party is in the Situation Room with the President, you should show up a little early.
Nothing’s quite so awkward as showing up already drunk, dressed wrong, and 25 minutes late to a special briefing about the volcano erupting in Cleveland.
The hoods and cloaks are claustrophobic and hot. They don’t serve any food. There’s a lot of chanting and singing in Latin.
Everyone has to do this choreographed routine involving raising their arms at the right time and marching to different places and standing still.
You aren’t allowed to talk or anything, unless you’re running the shindig.
It’s basically a bunch of that until the goat gets sacrificed, and then at least one of the members will have some sort of seizure or something, and it’s overly dramatic.
It’s kind of cool when the dude spontaneously catches on fire until they start walking between the acolytes and giving their ‘blessing.’
Then there’s the week of lost time afterwards where you have no idea what your body is being used for, or even which entity is using it. Almost got fired one time for that.
And you’re bound to ruin a few outfits with random blood stains, tears, dirt marks.
3/10.
Sometimes we get to eat part of the goat though, but it’s raw. So I guess that kind of makes up for the no food.
You basically hide in the kitchen with the other kitchen hiding people until the party ends, particularly when someone in the living room picks up an acoustic guitar.
I love guitars at parties. You don’t play with the intention of being the focus of everyone’s attention, but rather to provide some background music to fit the mood of the ongoing conversation around you.
If getting drunk around a campfire counts as a party, that ban needs an exception. If the bluetooth speakers are dead at 2am, someone pulling out a guitar is the best thing that can happen.
Most of the parties I go to are typically just chatting and drinking/smoking. Good way to meet new people that likely have similar interests to you, since everybody there already has at least one common connection, usually. Activities will depend on the friend group. Some of my get-togethers will have a light-hearted board game, sometimes everyone will watch a movie and riff on it MST3K-style, sometimes we'll just get high and bitch to each other about work.
Personally, I don't really go to parties where there's music or dancing, since that's not really my scene. But sometimes the mood will just be right and someone may crank up some tunes and start moving.
It really varies depending on your personal circles. If you're invited and feeling anxious about it, just go with no expectations. Just show up, hang out, chat a bit, and feel things out. If you decide you don't like it, you can always just leave, and usually nobody's gonna care.
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