Finding out that I have spent my life scripting things to say just to make other people happy and make social interactions go "smoothly" at the cost of my own mental health, personal integrity, and self-identity is an masked Autistic experience.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I did apartment leasing for 2 years about 4 years ago, and I had to script all the conversations where I’d show people apartments. I’d say the same things at the same part of the tour, make the same jokes on cue. I’d be walking with them not hearing a word they said because I’d have on repeat in my head, “Make eye contact. Smile.” It worked at least and I made commissions, but it was super draining and exhausting.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Also the plus side of going weeks without seeing humans means no awkward social situations or forced masking.
Last neurotypical party I went to I just sat there watching these foreign species aliens gathered around 2 of them who were making the other neurotypicals laugh about things that weren’t funny. Strange social rituals.
I had a very NT thanksgiving once with people I didn’t know. I hid in the guest bedroom the whole time. They were so loud.
@obrerx@actuallyautistic I've read many of those PTSD books in the past, and all of them were massively triggering. The Complex C-PTSD book caused a flashback and full on meltdown. I'd just be careful reading those books.
What's helped me the most was telling myself when I got reminded of someone who hurt me, "They're long gone from my life and can't hurt me anymore. I'm safe now. No sense in dwelling on it." Dwelling on the past was just continuing the abuse I endured because of them.
@housepanther@obrerx@actuallyautistic My flashbacks are bad when they happen. While my brain has erased most of my life, I remember some things, and what I do remember are things I don't need to think about. Addressing ptsd for me is a very bad idea. There's just SO much bad stuff that's happened to me. I wouldn't be able to function at all if I dwelled on what I do remember.
@housepanther@obrerx@actuallyautistic I’m on some very good meds already that keep me perfectly fine. I worked through a lot of it on my own. Lots of positive self-talk and reminding myself I’m safe now.
@housepanther@obrerx@actuallyautistic Luckily my brain erased most of it. There are/were people in my life who remember all of it, but as soon as they realized I have no memory of the events, they said it’s better that I don’t know so they stopped telling me things and talking about it. The stuff they told me I was horrified, but my brain was like nope going to erase this too. No idea what they said but I vaguely remember the shock and horror I felt.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I’ve lived my life like this. Been alone my whole life and don’t know any different. My cat Nikita has been my entire world for over 10 years, and she bonded to me instead of another cat so it’s mutual.
I got called selfish a lot for prioritizing my own needs above past relationships, but that may be because of the whole aromantic thing and never being totally into them.
I like my life the way it is though. It’s a happy life.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I have no idea what it’s like to live with someone I love, build a life together, and all that. I’ve made peace with the fact I’ll probably never know, but it’s okay.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities in the past to settle down but said no to all of it.
One of my most recent relationships had issues with how much I was working on my business and not paying enough attention to her. She was also autistic.
Maybe one day when I’m living the life and future I’m working so hard now to build, maybe settling down will be an option then.
An autistic person who is unsure about their understanding and knowledge of something usually has more understanding and knowledge of that topic than non-autistic people who claim to be experts on it. We often under-sell and over-deliver. More often than not non-autistic people do the opposite.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic We autistics can deep dive into a subject more if it’s something that fascinates us and some can be more meticulous about the details of it. Autistic people on average can sometimes under-sell themselves too, especially when it comes to pay. I think it’s a combination of what we deal with existing as an autistic person in a confusing world and also not wanting to feel salesy that make us uncomfortable asking for what we’re worth. I used to be like that.
@ZephyrSquall@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I was a lot like you when I first started The Autistic Innovator. My store is for autistic people and even though I was filling a need very few were doing, I felt uncomfortable charging autistic people a fair price and undercut myself a lot. Was making $0.50 to $1.50 per order because my prices were too low. Eventually I realized I could still make a profit, keep my prices low, and get paid for the thousands of hours I’ve put into my store.
I don’t use this place for advertising and only talk about the behind the scenes stuff of running my business. However, it was suggested here that I share my store links, so here they are:
One difference I see between mastodon and twitter:
On twitter the autistic community is very large, and issues regarding such things as hashtags, acceptance of self-assessment, etc, have been substantially worked out a long time ago. There are some disagreements that arise from time to time, but on these core ideas it's just a few individuals who oppose acceptance of self-assessment.
The concepts associated with the neurodiversity paradigm are widely supported.
My own dislike of twitter was (and is) mostly centered around the silo effect of Twitter structure. There are influencer accounts that dominate discussions, towering over the crowd like big vertical silos, and most significant discussions that get any real notice occur within those silos. It's really hierarchical, and vertical rather than horizontal. I've written threads there which discuss this and while there were a lot of supportive people who agreed with me, some didn't, and a few of the huge influencer accounts took a disliking to me. Names some of you would be familiar with.
Yep, that really happened.
Seems most autistics there don't mind that top-down structure, which is why they stay there, I guess.
It is a much bigger world there, that is true.
I really like the relative degree of absence of that verticality here on Mastodon.
@obrerx@actuallyautistic@allautistics Mastodon autistic community here is more real and talking about real honest autistic experiences. Twitter has what I call autistic talking points. There’s a few key things everyone says over and over for likes and retweets and it almost always works. Everyone says the same stuff. Some big accounts I wonder if they actually relate to what they are saying or is it just their brand. I just do what I want and be myself.
@Vincarsi@brainpilgrim@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic I was the same as a kid. Many instructors thought I was a prodigy at whatever they taught because I picked it up so fast. They’d get all serious about being my mentor and growing this ability, and I’d completely lose interest in the activity because I was just doing it for fun.
Only thing where teachers thought I was less smart was math. No matter how much I was tutored I couldn’t get it.