Finding out that I have spent my life scripting things to say just to make other people happy and make social interactions go "smoothly" at the cost of my own mental health, personal integrity, and self-identity is an masked Autistic experience.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic God, you mean like 'rehearsing' the inevitable and possibly difficult conversation in your head? I do that all the time.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I did apartment leasing for 2 years about 4 years ago, and I had to script all the conversations where I’d show people apartments. I’d say the same things at the same part of the tour, make the same jokes on cue. I’d be walking with them not hearing a word they said because I’d have on repeat in my head, “Make eye contact. Smile.” It worked at least and I made commissions, but it was super draining and exhausting.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Also the plus side of going weeks without seeing humans means no awkward social situations or forced masking.
Last neurotypical party I went to I just sat there watching these foreign species aliens gathered around 2 of them who were making the other neurotypicals laugh about things that weren’t funny. Strange social rituals.
I had a very NT thanksgiving once with people I didn’t know. I hid in the guest bedroom the whole time. They were so loud.
I spent that thanksgiving with my loops earplugs in, and also hiding. Then I ate all my food in 4 separate quadrants on my plate and baffled at how they could eat a pile of food on their plates like that.
@hamlin81@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic It's very unsettling. It's difficult being forced to deny our own existence in order to fit in with the world at large. Not only is it difficult, but it is fundamentally wrong and unfair. I also hate how the NT world just tokenizes openness.
@housepanther@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I've gotten a lot more blunt and and appease them less now. I don't do anything that makes me uncomfortable around NTs. I've dealt with a LOT of anger of this. I frankly also find the way they interpret the world to be very illogical in a lot of ways too.
@hamlin81@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic It's very illogical the way they deal with things! It's almost hive-minded, group think. I guess I am still dealing with the anger. As a result of trauma, I have lots of unresolved anger that I am working on but it sure is taking time.
@housepanther@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Yes! I've noticed that. It's very very hive mind. It made me feel so invalidated and distrusted myself. I'm learning now that a lot of ways that I view things were right all along, but I was made to feel like I was a bafoon.
@hamlin81@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic In my present employment, I am treated in very infantile ways, like a buffoon myself. But I decided to get my little bit of get even. Since they drove me to short term disability for a mental health relapse, I used that time to search for and get better employment. Now, when I get back from FMLA, I work one week at this godforsaken place and then I am on to bigger and better things.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I am so sorry that it has been that we for you. I can directly relate and know how costly scripting and masking was/is to my own mental health and existence. The world tends to really dislike autistic people and to marginalize us.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Today I was playing with the idea of making this visible in a social situation. When someone would expect me to engage in small talk, I would say "You are making me very uncomfortable only to be comfortable yourself. If we don't talk, I'm happy but you feel awkward. How should we solve this?"
Of course I can't say this. I have to be part of small talk and just take it, because somehow it's always me who has to make others feel nice.
@exme@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Lord. Yeah the neurotypicals would hate that. LOL I don't really like small talk either. I just find it boring and uninteresting. Could you transition the small talk to a subject you are interested in? The only value I can really find in humans is learning things.
@hamlin81@exme@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Not only is small talk vapid but at some points it just becomes plain annoying, almost like an itch that you cannot scratch. Small talk is often a time waster. I got good at it for survival's sake but it leaves me angry and exhausted after all of it is said and done.
It's actually ok to make that transition. It's not against the rules of small talk (as far as I know) to say outright "Tell me about a subject you're interested in".
Sometimes when you say something like that that doesn't quite follow the small talk script it takes them a moment to find a new word path, but they always manage just fine.
I think this is why people ask about peoples' kids a lot, people know a LOT about their own kids.
@bike@hamlin81@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I always forget people have kids! And it's horrible to admit we have known for ages and I don't remember your children's names. So, I stay out of that topic.
@exme@bike@hamlin81@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic Oh dear. I forget the names of a friend’s friends, with whom I have little in common. They’ll greet me with a “hello Susan”, & I’m thinking, which one are you again?
@exme@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I think an “I’m not very good at small talk. Can we talk about …” might work better. The initial “you” would come across as an attack.
@tanquist@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic I hear you. I suppose I am still learning this lesson. I am also learning the importance of setting strong personal boundaries. This is so important and a critical part of self-care.
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