@alyaza is MIA currently, but this weekly thread has been so awesome to see and keep going; so I am making what would be her typical post for this week. Alyaza; stay safe friend, I hope everything is okay.
Sallie Mae has been calling me every morning at 8:15 and every afternoon around 2:00. I would be having a better week if they didn’t harass me every single day (and yes it is every single day).
It’s often hard to be married to someone with PTSD. I haven’t had a very good week. In fact, I’ve not had a very good year. My nephew committed suicide, my parents aren’t doing so well, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I listen, but I don’t really talk. And when I do speak, I feel like people don’t understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I’m playing the victim, so I try to keep a cheerful exterior.
The best things I have are: My discord buddies (really the closest friends I’ve got, which I know is pathetic), and I actually like my job and see what we do as praxis (though it’s been harder and harder not to feel like I’m just doing zombie mode).
There’s just a deep and profound sadness inside me, and my emotions are so raw that I just curl up like an armadillo.
The only moments I feel alive are when I’m on my longboard or bicycle. I keep thinking I should try to become closer friends with my longboarding pal because otherwise we probably won’t talk much in winter. I also reconnected with a friend who I used to be very close friends with back in high school, so I should work on that friendship, too.
I’m sorry you have been going through so much. I also get told I’m playing the victim. It’s hard, I always feel like I can’t express myself right so I don’t want to try but not trying hurts my relationships more. I hope your week gets better and you start feeling better
I feel like people don’t understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I’m playing the victim
Sorry to hear. I’m well into several years of trending that direction and facing the realization that I have very little control over it.
I find that big waves of this attitude have been hitting multiple societies, we are told to “pick ourselves up by our own bootstrap” and seek “private personal therapy” - but there is no real weather report about how people are under the influence of many different information systems and outright campaigns to influence attitudes and reactions.
There’s just a deep and profound sadness inside me, and my emotions are so raw that I just curl up like an armadillo.
it’s become a lifestyle for a year for me now, and the couple years before that weren’t much more than a couple people with semi-neighborly contact. It’s not a nice precipice to observe and realize you are folding into.
just saying, you should definitely invest in therapy if you can afford to and you do not already. it sounds like you’re dealing with some difficult relationship mechanics on top of having a rough year in general.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. I listen, but I don’t really talk. And when I do speak, I feel like people don’t understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I’m playing the victim, so I try to keep a cheerful exterior.
Not exactly the same thing, but when my partner was laid up from a broken leg, I was their primary caretaker and i ran into something similar. I felt very deeply that I was going through a difficult struggle as their caretaker, what with juggling all of the added responsibility with my job and everything. My partner is the person i would usually talk to about this kind of feeling, but anytime I brough it up, they would shut me down, saying that they didn’t want to hear how hard i had it while they were also suffering from their painful fracture. My thinking was that we could share our struggles with each other, and that would be healthy, but my partner disagreed, saying that hearing my struggles made them feel bad. When I talked to my therapist about this, she agreed with my perspective, stating that providing emotional support was the least my partner could do. Hearing that from an outside perspective really helped me get through that time.
I’m sorry you’re going through it, bud. I hope those new friendships you’ve been cultivating pan out ❤
Than you for the thoughtful response. It’s encouraging to know that someone understands a bit what this is like.
I agree with the therapy idea. It’s hard to pick up the phone. I feel like they bombard me with questions I can’t answer the moment I call, but I need to get past that discomfort and try. I feel like I’ve had a really hard time finding a good therapist. I had one for a short amount of time, but she moved away from my state which, I don’t blame her.
It’s also scary how much money it can cost, but it’s my life. I’ve got to do it.
It’s hard to pick up the phone. I feel like they bombard me with questions I can’t answer the moment I call, but I need to get past that discomfort and try. I feel like I’ve had a really hard time finding a good therapist.
I hear you! I’ve been without a therapist for like a year now. I keep meaning to work on finding a new one, but it’s hard. Therapy is kind of incompatible with our stupid capitalist healthcare system. Until you find a therapist, you have to treat it like you’re shopping around for a new car or something. And of course, adopting and holding that mindset requires executive function, which is the very thing you need therapy to help you improve on. It’s a catch-22 😩
The money part is real. With my insurance I was able to get $40 a session, but i’m extremely fortunate to have better employer-based insurance than most folks. And even at $40 a session, there are days where you question if you got your $40 worth.
A bit stressful, but I’m doing okay. I’m in the middle of moving right now. Got all my stuff out so now I’m just cleaning. I’ve got until September 1st so I feel like I’m in a good place!
It’s rough, but I think it’s a good week. Cleaning up my kitchen and dining room after a lengthy and messy renovation. So close to the point where they are back to normal, and just need to do a little more this week to reach that sweet feeling of normalcy.
Last week I got my trauma appointment, fast tracked from next year, which was a nice surprise, and the doctor, nurses and staff turned out to be really nice and helpful, more than usual 😀. This week it turned out they’ve also fast tracked another appointment for a test, called me Monday to go right on Tuesday 😯… which turned out to basically confirm that my left leg is partly MIA, while the right is only slightly better 🤦. The next day I got a notification of another fast tracked appointment, for rehabilitation… and noticed that they’ve switched it form “normal” to, not just “priority”, but “urgent”… which explains the whole fast tracking, and now got me really worried 😟.
I can still walk around, but ever so slower, have to take a seat every few minutes, if I walk for too long I start falling over, can’t stay seated for too long without my back killing me, even on painkillers, and my left arm full on wakes me up at night when they wear off. Work is off the table, can barely do anything around the house, going to the nearest pharmacy requires “going uphill both ways” (literally), can’t start tackling the other problems like debt, inheritance (more debt, plus taxes, plus family drama), can’t really make any plans for the future, and next week I might end up home alone (with cats) without anyone to lend a hand.
On the “bright” side, the brain fog I’ve had for about a year after last time I got COVID, seems to be slowly lifting, which makes me see everything more clearly… or how many fires I’ve got to put off 🔥😰🔥
I’m slightly annoyed at my kid’s new school. My kid is getting ready for school in a Chinese immersion program, which is great, but the new school wants to gently ramp up with half days with parent participation, with only part of the class signed up for specific half-day blocks. This is annoying because parents, you know, have jobs to go to, and taking 3 hours in the middle of the workday to get the kid to school, stay with them for a half day, and bring them home early is pretty inconvenient. Plus the days my kid isn’t participating (with other half classes signed up), I’ve gotta get childcare coverage.
Can’t wait until we get to the normal 8:30am start time with regular after school care.
Meh. Could be better, but it’s not all that terrible.
Tired as usual, but that’s normal and not going to change, so it’s not super relevant anymore.
Women’s World Cup was a welcome distraction, but now I have to find something else that I can occupy myself with. Maybe I should just watch the NWSL. I just find American accents weird when it comes to football commentary.
Most of the other leagues only kick off sometime next month. Difficult to find official streams/broadcasters where I live, but I’ve at least found some (kind of surprised that NWSL is just straight up free on the official site for everyone living outside the US and Canada).
Not interested in video games. Maybe when Starfield’s out I’ll have something to do in that medium, but nothing right now is grabbing me and I’m honestly bored of gaming in general.
It was a rocky start but it’s going better now and I’m looking forward to the weekend! :D This week has been a shining example of how when things start to pile up and feel impossible, giving it a little time can really turn it around. When things are not going well it really helps to remember that things aren’t stuck like that forever. Sometimes it feels that way but it’s not true. Not sure if anyone else experiences that feeling but unfortunately it is one that seems to keep coming back.
Hang in there. I had all mine pulled a few months ago and after the 2nd or 3rd day my mouth still hurt but I felt so much healthier overall. I lived on smoothies and mashed potatoes that first week. Only regret was not having it done years ago.
It's been alright I guess. Though, I started catsitting for my old housemate today and she's been overfeeding them to a crazy degree. I basically raised one of the cats, so it's pretty upsetting.
Pretty decent, finally started my ADHD medication so I’m mostly waiting for that to start taking effect, it’ll probably take a good month or so which sucks because I am so fucking tired of waiting but I don’t have much other option.
Could be worthwhile giving @alyaza a call if you know her in real life… It is a bit of a worry honestly based on her last post she hasn’t dropped by in 10 days (especially considering her last weekly update).
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