Looking for recommendations: what do you do when you get stuck figuring out what emotion(s) you're feeling?
My mother died a few days ago. Our relationship was toxic, and we haven't spoken for years. I know I'm feeling something, from the tense crackling inside, but I don't know what it is.
Thanks for the input, everyone who did. My brain already decided I'm going to write a letter. It's partially composed, now, but I'll wait till I get home to type it in.
I always re-write 400 times, anyway, till it says exactly what I want it to say.
When people in my family have died (father, mother, brother), I sometimes tended to have delayed reactions due to my autism and trauma. It took a while, maybe weeks, months, even years for feelings to come up and be felt in all the complexity that involves a parent or sibling.
I didn't have the best relationship with my mother (and brother). It took awhile in her case for all the emotions to arise. It hit me again, years later when I found myself grieving her death as if my emotions had just surfaced, with new understanding of all that happened.
Autistic grief can be different. Delayed, complex. But no less impactful in my case. I'm still learning new things about my family and my relationships with them.
@obrerx Two years for my tears to come out, after my father died. I have not cried for my mom's death, and she died in 2017.
I seem to mourn in a way that will create an external object to symbolize the person, like I did when the shuttle challenger went boom (I got in trouble for being th only child who did not cry or have intense emotions).
I build lego sets or model shuttles, and I get a choice of name, I always choose Challenger @ScottSoCal@actuallyautistic
@obrerx
My father's death gave me the first indication that something was "wrong", because I didn't grieve like "normal people". @ScottSoCal@actuallyautistic
I wish I had clued in earlier, and didn’t aggressively deny. My sister died, my father died, and then my mother died. I also didn't grieve like "normal people".
I was taking care of my mother as she was slowly dying over several months. After she died, I went to a psychotherapist. After a few months the psychotherapist asked if I had considered I was Autistic. That started me on a journey to take it seriously, and finally accept.
I understand that. Someone incredibly important to me died, and it took me about 6 months before I cried for the first time. Before that I was just kind of neutral.
In my mother's case, because it was complicated, I think I'm a mix of angry, resentful, and sad. Sad for what should have been, but wasn't.
Here's my suggestion. Ignore if it doesn't fit your preferences:
I've extensively done meditation beginning at age 14... yogic meditation, Daoist, all sorts. Qi Gong. Etc.
Here's what I really love the most: just walk through a quiet secluded forest, and be aware of the forest energy. My favorite is an evergreen conifer forest.
This is meditation in motion. Be aware of what you feel in the forest environment. Be aware of the subtlety. Let the quietness of the trees envelope you.
Or walk along a beach, or stream, a small creek in natural settings (away from city, traffic, crowds of people, industrial noise).
Biophilia is a real thing. Built-in affinity for the natural world. It's in our DNA. It's home to humans.
Moving while being mindful helps to settle thoughts and can help from becoming overfocused on dark thoughts. Moving keeps the internal thought processes from becoming stuck. It keeps everything circulating and flowing and can alleviate depression.
@ScottSoCal@actuallyautistic Your feelings are likely a stew of grief, anger, and unresolved issues; it will take time to sort them all out. There's a good book on complex PTSD that might help by Pete Walker that you could read when you're ready, if that's part of the dynamic; there's also a thing called the 'empty chair technique' that is used to help sort out feelings.
@ScottSoCal@actuallyautistic I write a blog post about it. In the olden times, I wrote it down in my diary. But it helps me a lot to write about it. I can structure my thoughts and usually I have a clearer sense of what's going on when I'm done.
Meditation should not be some sort of elite discipline.
The master meditators that I've read or heard explain the "technique" of meditation in a few minutes. It is a very sensual practice, fundamentally tricks to keep oneself grounded in the moment. And that is what requires constant practice.
Like the zen master said:
"My miracle is that when I feel hungry I eat, and when I feel thirsty I drink."
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