I have a design challenge. I am going to be moving to a new place in under a year and I want to set it up to best help our 4 person #ActuallyAutistic (all 4 Autistic, 2-3 ADHD) family. We will own the space and have lots of flexibility. The struggle I'm having is balancing lack of object permanence and the stress of the cluttered look of seeing too many things. Any tips, tricks, ideas? @actuallyautistic@allautistics
Topic: The ND tendency to share a similar experience.
It was ~15 years ago. I was having a beer with an old friend, sharing the story of the stillbirth of my second child. His response to the news was “I guess that’s a lot like divorce,” and proceeded to tell me how he imagined his divorce was similar.
Neither of us knew whether we were ND at the time. I have since discovered my autism. No idea about his ND status, but given my tendency to surround myself with the few who understand me, it’s likely that he is.
I was, and I guess still am, really hurt by the comparison. Burying a child hurt worse than burying my mother. I can’t imagine a (short) romance ending being anywhere close.
@actuallyautistic@allautistics
I understand that we all experience things differently. And I want to believe that he was doing his best. And yet, I cannot seem to get past it.
I guess I’m sharing this to say, even among ourselves, sharing similar experiences can be…precarious. Especially if we misjudge the likeness?
Or maybe I’m just being an asshole for not letting it go.
@f1337@actuallyautistic@allautistics You’re not being an asshole. Your pain is real. He might be aware that he stuffed up & not know how to broach the subject. Or not.
We've been through something similar, my wife and I, ages ago. People do say the craziest shit... NT and ND alike.
Even when you think you know how the other person feels, because the situations look similar, you can still hurt them, unknowingly, because you never know the person's entire story.
First, my condolences, and yes I know it's been years. But it still hurts even after being dulled by time.
My take on sharing experiences is that as long as someone is not actively trying to one-up the original speaker, they are attempting to provide support however clumsily. That does not negate your feelings, at all; they are valid. And you don't have to let them go. But also, your friend may not understand what happened, and perhaps he's gained some wisdom over the years?
Hi #nerodivergent pals, I’d be interested to hear your takes on this.
I’ve thought often about the line between masking & manners (ie consideration for other people); Jack Ori talks here about the utility of acting outside our comfort zone when it enables something we want to do.
@26pglt@actuallyautistic@allautistics This is well written and could mirror my own life's experiences. Most of my managers in my IT career have treated me in infantile ways. My peers excluded me from gatherings, etc. Ironically, it wasn't until I got into state government that I really began to flourish. With the exception of the brief stint at the Dept. of Labor, everything went well. I'll be back at child welfare where I excelled on Oct 23rd. It will be nice being back in a trauma-informed care environment that openly talks about mental illness and struggles.
Hey #autistic pals, this looks interesting! Online summit (not sure what that means!) on #neurodiversity, grooming & coercive control. 27.11 to 1.12. Free.
@26pglt@actuallyautistic@allautistics@actuallyadhd An online summit is usually a large educational event held online through web conferencing software. They do vary though. Some are non-participatory, i.e. you just view the presentation, but often you can ask questions via text chat. Others involve group activities, like break-out group discussions. Always good to check before joining!
@actuallyautistic@allautistics
I keep seeing people complaining about how Mastodon is full of "splainy reply guys" and I think there's a misperception of #Autistic#infodumping going on. I think there's more of us on here and we're more comfortable being ourselves. What will it take to get the allistics to understand that our contributions are offered in a mature "yes, and" spirit as opposed to the juvenile "well, actually" they seem to always read it as.
We're genuinely smart, not stuck up.
explaining, as in infodumping, not mansplaining, seems an all or nothing proposition, since anything in between is frequently insufficient, vague, misleading.
@homelessjun@foolishowl@Vincarsi@actuallyautistic@allautistics I'd add that, as is generally true with useful terms, it is nowadays often degraded and more noise than signal – it frequently now just means "you told me something and I didn't want you to" rather than "you're assuming I don't know anything about this because I'm female".
@foolishowl@homelessjun@Vincarsi@actuallyautistic@allautistics I block people as soon as they do that. Even if they are somehow saying that in good faith – which seems doubtful; some people just like to be angry at others – how would you ever communicate with them?
@fishidwardrobe@homelessjun@Vincarsi@actuallyautistic@allautistics In one case, the person was under sustained attack, often sexist or racist, for her arguments about social harms caused by certain giant corporations, so I could understand why she'd be suspicious.
But in that case the best thing for them is for me to block them (or them me) – for the same reason. We won't be able to talk. I'm just going to trigger her.