@Susan60@aus.social

Lifelong learner, leftie, AuADHD, Bunurong country. She/her. 🇦🇺Won’t boost photos without alt txt (unless I forget!). I voted YES for The Voice. Eventually we’ll have a flag I can feel proud of.

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Susan60, to actuallyautistic
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

Thought. I have always run warm. I do feel the cold, but not as much as most people. I hate (detest?) overheated department stores. This got worse with the onset of perimenopause, & I was unable to wear jumpers for years, because I couldn’t get them off quickly enough during hot flushes, which threatened spontaneous combustion. This settled somewhat after finally going on HRT.

I’ve noticed a change since going on ADHD meds. I now wear winter pjs on a “cool” summers night, & a nightie on warmer ones & am more likely to don a jacket of an evening.

I’m wondering whether this is a consequence of the meds, & overheating is related to ADHD. #ADHD #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic #Menopause #HotFlushes #WomensHealth

jeanne, to actuallyautistic French
@jeanne@mas.to avatar

How to you manage to spend quality time with your neurotypical partner, without draining yourself and not turn into a freaking control person about « what and when » if what they like is spontaneity ?

@actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@jeanne @kkarhan @actuallyautistic

I’m sure some people can do that. It’s too hard to generalise much because autistics vary & so do NTs.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@kkarhan @jeanne @actuallyautistic

Yes… I’m very familiar with that, because being AuADHD, I sometimes have trouble being compatible with myself!

I’ve been learning a lot, & trying to bring my partner along on my journey, without boring or overwhelming him. (I send him articles I think are helpful & written in an engaging style, although he can deal with research papers too.) Having a better understanding of myself means I’m (generally) less defensive & that helps.

And he seems to be making an effort to accommodate my needs more, being more patient, giving me more notice etc.

But that’s me & my partner & we’re all very different!

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@jeanne @kkarhan @actuallyautistic
You’re welcome. It’s an interesting, challenging & difficult journey.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@kkarhan @jeanne @actuallyautistic

Thank you. I must be honest & confess that I have my own thoughts about his own neuro type, but I’m determined not to confront him about it. He will consider that possibility if & when he’s ready to, & I know too well the sort of pushback I’d get if I tried to hurry him along.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@marytzu @kkarhan @jeanne @actuallyautistic

Bit like that here. Both retired, he plays golf twice a week which gives me space & him a break. We get along well & cuddles are compulsory, but everyone needs a break from time to time.

theautisticcoach, to actuallyautistic
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What does the term “unmasking” mean to my #ActuallyAutistic comrades?

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

I’m still working this out. In the last few months, I’ve noticed that I’m stimming (hand flapping) when I’m alone, often when feeling happy or planning my day. I haven’t done this much since I was a child. (Doing this now as I read over...)

I’ve allowed myself to follow my instincts more in some situations when I’m out. Had a somewhat odd but very nice brief chat with a young person who looked enby to me, at a pedestrian crossing. Was I tuning in to her as a fellow ND traveller, & unmasking somewhat to do so?

PurpleStephyr, to actuallyautistic
@PurpleStephyr@chaosfem.tw avatar

Just had my results session for my ASD assessment, and I've officially been diagnosed with ASD now. I guess that's exciting? The psychologist kept asking if I needed time to process it, and stuff like that, and not really? Am I supposed to? I had kind of come to terms with it over the past couple months, so it wasn't really news to me. I guess more than anything it's affirming to hear it from a professional?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@lkanies @PurpleStephyr @actuallyautistic

This is a great essay. I agree, everyone should read it!

CynAq, to actuallyautistic
@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

I have a number of question for people who report :

Do you daydream at all, and if you do, how does that work without visuals?

How does your memory work in general? Assuming you remember seeing things, being in places, meeting people, how does that work?

When you need to describe the appearance of something, how do you go about doing that? Do you plan ahead and memorize lists of features while the thing is in front of you?

Thanks! I’m trying to wrap my brain around this phenomenon I can’t experience myself so if you take some time to educate me I’ll be forever grateful.

@actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @actuallyautistic

I’ve just had a similar conversation with someone who uses imagery beautifully in his writing, but has aphantasia. So I can picture a scene as I read his words, but he can’t. Incomprehensible to me.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@wouterh @poloniousmonk @CynAq @actuallyautistic

Context matters a lot to me, but I think this is common to many people.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @actuallyautistic

I listened to some of his podcasts yesterday. Interesting voice. Musetrap and the Laird.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@punishmenthurts @CynAq @actuallyautistic

I think in words, but am highly visual. If writing a tricky word or someone asks me how to spell a word, I’ll see it in my mind’s eye & read it out one letter at a time. I can spell lots of words I’ve never spoken, might struggle to pronounce correctly, & in some cases might not even know the meaning of. I’ve read them somewhere & they’ve been filed away. Interestingly, I do this less nowadays, when most of my writing takes place using a device & predictive text & spell check come into play. And of course, my preference for English spelling is sometimes overridden.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@punishmenthurts @CynAq @actuallyautistic

Obviously it makes spelling so much easier than remembering rules when there’s so many exceptions, but I don’t think I was sufficiently aware of all of this when I was teaching.

I find spelling errors irritating, & there’s little excuse when using devices ( but not on social media, text messages etc. I mean, there’s a time & a place!) or when preparing to write a sign. (Yes there is, ADHD.) But I never berated students for errors in their hand writing. I had one student who had a low opinion of her own writing because of her poor spelling. (I think it worried her parents.) She wrote beautifully & I took pains to point out her clever word choices, elegant turn of phrase, imagery etc.

And your reference to building things is interesting. Obviously people working in the visual arts must use this ability all of the time, but any type of design, construction etc as well.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@punishmenthurts @CynAq @actuallyautistic

And I’ve used the word “obviously” several times & need to stop doing that. Because I’m learning more & more that what’s “obvious” is so subjective & varies much more than we realise.

kkffoo, to actuallyautistic
@kkffoo@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic do any of my autistic co-groupies have any tips for not losing weight over December / Christmas? The extra stress makes it harder to eat good portions for regular meals and my usual snack routine gets a knock too. I did manage to grab a small bowl of full fat ice-cream last night, which is not my usual supper, but seemed a reasonable compromise. Any other ideas?

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@sahat @kkffoo @actuallyautistic
I need to do this for the opposite reason. Being pressed to have another drink/slice/serving etc.

Or I eat too many savouries etc to justify not engaging in small talk. I only realised that one recently.

Susan60, to actuallyautistic
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

https://a-different-brilliant.captivate.fm/episode/strengths-interests

Further to discussions of how people who have disabilities or “weaknesses” often also have strengths. @actuallyautistic

arcana, to actuallyautistic
@arcana@fedi-01.starlight.quest avatar

@actuallyautistic

part of my unmasking has been letting go of the need for full sentences and/or paragraphs. CWs and tone tags have been like a "starter kit." so now sometimes if i can't find the right way to word something in a sentence, i will seriously just format it like metadata.

warning:
tone:
context:

etc xD

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@arcana @actuallyautistic @roknrol

I sometimes write a bit like that, if I’m doing a stream of consciousness thing, but it’s usually just for my own consumption.

When I write for others to read, I’m taking my audience into account, both other autistics & NTs.

It took me a while to work out how to space paragraphs on my phone (forgive me! I learned to type on a manual typewriter!) but I did so when a fellow autist commented on his need for sentence & paragraph breaks. (And now I do so assiduously!)

I’m not saying you “should” do the same -do whatever works for you! I often worry too much about accommodating others & not doing what’s right for me. People can simply scroll past a post that looks like it might be overwhelming.

I’ve had to put aside a biography written by an AuADHDer I admire, because it needs some serious editing. They repeat themselves & keep losing track (like I do in conversations!) and it’s hard to follow. I will try again, because I want to know more about their story.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@roknrol @arcana @actuallyautistic

I’m doing a grammar edit for my oldest, who also gets beta readers to look over their work.

Anyone who self publishes & doesn’t do this is going to struggle.

russellmcormond, to actuallyautistic
@russellmcormond@fosstodon.org avatar

Introduction is: "Whenever I mention my feelings on ABA, someone always asks me for alternatives to ABA."

https://neurodivergentrebel.substack.com/p/alternatives-to-aba-if-not-aba-then

I really want to know why people think that is a valid question?
ABA is not about helping the person be themselves or have a better life, but to try to “convert” them to be more like other people to make those other people feel more comfortable with their beliefs.

@actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

I’ve just had a bit of a look (I do have a research background) & am starting to wonder whether it’s not ABA itself, but the way it’s sometimes used that can be the problem. I’ve seen teaching methods horribly oversimplified to the point that the original goals/values get lost. Could it be that an original goal to use ABA in a nuanced, individualised way that appreciates the needs of an autistic child, can sometimes be simplified to a generic approach that does more harm than good? Especially if used by people who lack adequate training & see it as a way to “make” a child behave in a way that is more acceptable & convenient for those around them, rather that to assist that child to learn how to realise their potential?

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@KitMuse @housepanther @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

I have a psych degree, (& did a comparative religion unit in my arts degree). One of my main beefs with psych is that they seemed to desperately want to be recognised as “real” objective scientists, denying any of their own subjectivity. Fixing deficits & classifying pathologies fits with that.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @KitMuse @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

I had one excellent teacher, but others more interested in self promotion. Some went into it to work themselves out (like many autists do), but got sucked into pathologising everyone else to make themselves feel better.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@KitMuse @housepanther @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

I’ve seen a few therapists over the years, and gained something from each. I do believe good ones exist. I hadn’t seen my current one since before I diagnosed, but when I saw the warm smile on her face when I said that I’ve noticed myself stimming more, I knew she’d continue to be helpful.

I think getting a Recommendation from someone we know whose judgement we trust is important.

I had one who had the potential to be excellent, but failed to deal with their own issues. Anyone who pretends they don’t have issues is worth avoiding.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @KitMuse @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

Talk therapy has been good for me up to a point, but has also taken me down unhelpful rabbit holes. I’m now about strategies to help me navigate what I’ve got left of this life. I’ve managed to come up with a few of my own along the way, in spite of not knowing what was really going on, but have often benefited from having someone holding up a mirror.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @KitMuse @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic That does sound like a good deal!

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @KitMuse @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

Yep, your specific needs. So good you’ve found an arrangement that helps.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@punishmenthurts @KitMuse @housepanther @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic

I’m all for social sciences, but unfortunately, psychology seems to have attracted a whole lot of wannabe hard scientists. Research 20 years ago was all about stuff that could be easily, biologically measured so that data could be statistically analysed. And yet all that important stuff about validity & reliability & confounds & correlations etc seems to have gone out the window.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic @KitMuse

Yes, I’ve done a bit more read & it does seem that they cleaned it up a bit. But lots of studies have found it to be ineffective. Maybe parents like it because they feel that at least they’re doing “something”.

http://annsautism.blogspot.com/2019/01/autism-some-vital-research-links.html

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@JoBlakely @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic
I think family therapy where everyone realises that it’s about them as a unit, & that each person affects that unit, not just the autistic person, is a great idea. Autistic people can be a very useful scapegoat.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@punishmenthurts @JoBlakely @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic
Argh! I’m sure it must be possible, given that whole families can be autistic. It’d be about finding a counsellor/therapist willing & competent enough (preferably autistic) to take it on.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@screw_dog @JoBlakely @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic
I think that when one person in a family has clear & obvious issues, it can sometimes make it easier for other members to minimise their own issues, &/or slip under the radar.

Of course one autism diagnosis can lead to more, but they are misdiagnosed with something else, or others find it easier to mask & are worried about stigma or are just plain resistant, that’s not going to happen.

And as with all other challenges, an autism diagnosis might just aggravate or expose existing problems in family dynamics.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic @KitMuse

Oh I’m not looking for any silver linings. I’m well aware of the anger, resentment & sometimes downright abusive behaviours of some parents. And of the cavalier attitudes of some researchers, based on a belief that certain “types” of people won’t experience or remember trauma etc.

But the faulty science does disappoint me.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar
Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @russellmcormond @actuallyautistic @KitMuse

And a very nice projection it was too. 😁 I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes, sadly, that’s not possible. Mind you, I think some people genuinely believe something, then double down when they start seeing evidence they were wrong. Admitting they might’ve caused pain is difficult. But I’d feel worse about continuing to do so.

I hope that makes sense. 🤔

theautisticcoach, to actuallyautistic
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

How do my comrades cope with / handle / process grief?

Do you do it "differently"?

If so, you're not alone.

@actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @innervisioner @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

After my father’s death, I focussed so hard on doing everything that had to be done that I forgot to grieve. I think part of the grieving we go through when diagnosed/self diagnose, for opportunities lost etc, is also about opening the flood gates for all that other grief has had been stored up over the years. And maybe not knowing what it’s about is because it’s about a lot of things.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@innervisioner @actuallyautistic @CynAq @theautisticcoach
I’ve been told that I’m too much of a rescuer, & thats probably true to an extent, but I think it’s also that abundance of empathy thing too. It’s not that I care more about others than myself, as that I probably register their feelings before I’ve processed my own? (I’m working this out as I go…)

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@innervisioner @actuallyautistic @theautisticcoach @CynAq

I was undiagnosed, an expressive & clearly emotional girl in the 60s. Once I’d learned to mask & suppress behaviours well enough to escape the worst of the teasing & bullying at school & at home, my issues went under the radar as more serious & urgent issues arose elsewhere.

I learned a little about prioritising myself as a young mother, & when counselling other young mothers. You can’t hope to be a “good” mum if you don’t look after yourself.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@innervisioner @CynAq @actuallyautistic @theautisticcoach

It wasn’t easy. Looking back, I really think that my AuADHD provided as many strengths as difficulties, but I’m very aware that’s not the case for everyone.

snoopy_jay, to actuallyautistic
@snoopy_jay@mastodon.world avatar

@actuallyautistic
What's the deal with "keen sense of justice"? I am not sure what it's called in English, but I keep reading that it's an autism thing and I definitely have been accused of an "exaggerated" sense of justice or having too much of it. Why do we have that?

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@CynAq @snoopy_jay @actuallyautistic
I’m inclined to agree. Some children with a strong sense of justice can still be cruel, thoughtlessly or deliberately, because they’ve somehow justified the cruelty in that case. Children can be very judgemental & cruel. Learning to care less is possibly a survival skill that many autistics fail to learn. We can’t fix everything or rescue everyone, trying to do so isn’t actually helpful in some cases for reasons we don’t see or understand, & comes at a great cost to ourselves. But to simply stop caring would be unthinkable.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@shiri @snoopy_jay
Is your family looking to adopt?

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@shiri @snoopy_jay

Ouch!!!!! That’s such a hysterically harsh response! 😂😂😂😂😂 I don’t know when I’ve laughed so hard about being rejected.

housepanther, to actuallyautistic
@housepanther@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic Do other people with #autism have difficulty this time of year? For me this is one of the loneliest times of the year. I struggle with my mental health during the holiday season.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @actuallyautistic
Christmas Day has been an odd day for me throughout much of my adulthood, spent with my in-laws & small children, as that awkward guest (which I did 3 times wth 3 different friends & then gave up), alone, or with my partner over the last 20 years. Last year, after a late flight cancellation, my partner’s ex had Christmas lunch with us, which was kind of odd, but nice.

A big reach out to everyone for whom the holiday season is “difficult”, an understatement for many.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@housepanther @actuallyautistic
One day at a time. That lonely holiday period will pass. Not much comfort I know, but a lot who do have gatherings to attend would rather they didn’t.

spika, to actuallyautistic
@spika@neurodifferent.me avatar

I had hoped to go out to a show tonight, but nope... Taking a drive at dusk to pick something up at the store for my mom used up all of the mental energy I had, and by the time I got home, I was in full blown headache mode.

One of the things I hate about winter is how early it gets dark. Being out at dusk is SO much more overstimulating in the winter because other people are still out and about when it gets dark at 4, so you get a face full of headlights when you're driving around.... and the mixture of astigmatism making lights looking streaky and autism's overstimulation.... I just can't.

So, once again I've cancelled my plans to stay home in the dark because it's too much to take a drive and go out tonight, and I am so frustrated about it and my lack of planning to make it work.

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@spika @crashglasshouses @actuallyautistic
Pardon my ignorance (newly awoken), but how is astigmatism an overstimulation thing? I’ve got a lot to learn.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@masukomi @spika @crashglasshouses @actuallyautistic
I have astigmatism. I’ve never liked driving at night, but I like it even less now than years ago. Not sure if that’s an ageing, autism or astigmatism thing, or a combination.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar
Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@spika @masukomi @crashglasshouses @actuallyautistic

This is the sort of thing I’m doing a lot of. Looking back & realising… My sensitivities aren’t as strong as some people’s, meaning that a single cause is less likely to trigger a meltdown & therefore the meltdown less understandable. And some sensitivities have been ignored or “put up with”, which has a cumulative effect.

Susan60, to actuallyautistic
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

Does anyone else feel deeply offended by scam text messages? @actuallyautistic

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@AutisticDoctorStruggles @actuallyautistic I never use voicemail. I’ll call back if I know it. Otherwise text me.

Susan60,
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

@timrichards @actuallyautistic If I met one in person, I would want to break their nose. Probably wouldn’t do it, but the desire would be strong.

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