I used to be pretty negative and aggressive until I realised that if I talked to anyone else the way talked to myself I would get hit.
Now I’m simple and encouraging. Generally a nice little “come on” followed by a simple “you’ll get through it”, “not long now”, “you can do it”, “it’ll be alright”. That sort of thing. If I ever had a coach for anything that’s how I’d want to be pushed.
Life is like a long running tv show. Some previous seasons were awesome. This one sucks but I have to stay around to find out what happens next.
Doesn’t matter how bad it currently is, the curiosity to see which twist it pulls next is stronger.
Honestly? Something my little brother shared with me from our childhood. Apparently, it was during a hard time in his high school years. He came to me for advice, and what did I say?
“Life is pain. Get a helmet, Princess.”
I have no recollection of this, but he swears by it and says that it’s gotten him through some seriously rough times ever since, so I’ve started saying it to myself as well. Seems to work decently enough, and I like knowing that younger me had a supportive effect on the little bro like that. 🤗🥰
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.5.4–5).
I always go back to this task: is this “bad” situation something that I can control? If not, let it go - it is neither good nor bad. If yes, then how? Do the “how”. The “how” may be specific actions or they may be about controlling how I perceive the situation. If I perceive the situation negatively, work out how to perceive the situation positively. eg. Losing a job may be viewed as bad because of money issues or career issues but could be viewed positively as an opportunity to pursue passions. Perceptions are controllable so bend them to positive constructive ends.
Try to imagine the worst thing that could happen. Usually, it’s not catastrophic enough to warrant the anxiety you feel about it.
Figure out all the levers you can pull on to make things go your way. When there’s uncertainty, that means there are big factors you can’t control, but there are usually still some factors you can control.
For going through a hard time:
Think about another hard time you’ve gone through that seems like it’s now in the very distant past. Someday, this thing will feel that distant too.
Its really unhealthy but it’s an intrusive thought. I just imagine like supporting my full weight by hooks on my veins. Like, just somehow holding my full weight by the veins in my arms specifically. Then I’m like, fuck. It could be so much worse than it is now. Its been a reoccurring thought for years in the harder times. Now it kinda makes me feel better in a way.
I know a lot of you don’t like hearing from the bible, but one line always comes to me: “This is the day that the Lord has made”.
I don’t know exactly what this means, but it gives me a sort of FOMO that gets me moving. Like, this day is some seriously interesting and deep shit if I want to get into it.
Sort of like if a friend offers me some wine to taste and Im like “nah I don’t feel like tasting wine right now” and he’s like “This is one of three bottles made by the master vintner Jacque Le’Somnamelier and it’s $50k a bottle and won awards in fifteen countries in blind taste tests”.
It’s like “doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the mood; you don’t want to miss this”.
As in, pain is literally dampened by dopamine, and dopamine comes when you move, so it hurts less when you move.
Like I’ve encountered some serious monsters in this life, that came as a result of procrastination. I’ve experienced hunger, violence, and disease that all came my way because I froze with fear and uncertainty.
As Confucius says: “It does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop.”
It’s so hard to believe, but I remind myself that there is an almost magical barrier in front of me. It’s like an Indians Jones illusion. It looks like hell in front of me. But if I step into it willingly, it becomes heaven.
Like a door, and through the door is your living room, but you know when you step through it you’ll be in Narnia or something. A magical/hologram projecting doorway, that looks like it leads to Place A but actually leads to Place B, is the best analogy for my mind.
The reality I’m pointing at with the analogy is that leaning into it is the only way to make the pain stop. Because if you run from it, it chases you.
I was lucky to learn this in some long meditation retreats. It’s always about day 3 or 4 that I realize the only way I’m going to stay sane is if I actually meditate. And even though it’s sitting still literally, it’s the willing engagement with the thing I’m trying to avoid that makes it bearable. “The wisdom of no escape” is what Pema Chodron calls that, I think.
Somebody else once called it “Leap like a tiger while sitting”. That tiger’s predator face and posture is about as raw an expression of dopamine as could ever exist. And you get that dopamine rush, that cessation of the suffering, that only go straight ten thousand years try try try direction, when you stop trying to distract yourself with thoughts and accept that you’re there in the meditation hall and nothing is going to happen to relieve you of that.
It isn’t pretty, but it is beautiful: If you stop and cower, everything gets worse.
Usually something like, “This too shall pass” or “The only constant is change.” Reminding myself of the impermanence of every situation makes present difficulties bearable.
What also helps me is the prospect of emerging on the other side of the situation as someone with more experience, more self-understanding, and greater resilience. Those traits are high on my list of personal values.
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