I feel like addressing people by name is one of those things that society pushes as "good social etiquette." As a way to connect w people & signal that we're caring & empathetic.
and maybe that's absolutely true...
but for me it feels so completely unnatural that it literally makes me cringe. I guess bc it just feels so horribly invasive & intimate. With strangers it's almost impossible. I'm so bad at it that any empathy I'm trying to project is lost in awkwardness & then it's just weird.
Even w people I know well I still have to force myself. Just one of a hundred "mental reminders" that, for me, fall under the category of autistic masking.
@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic I intentionally use the names of people like waiters or sales people helping me. When I was a teen a person I respected use a server's name during a meal and I liked how it recognized the person's humanity. In general conversations, I have no idea. Other than family members I very infrequently talk to anyone who isn't a service person helping me with something, where I try to be intentional. >shrug<
@independentpen@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic I'm terrible with learning names. I don't think that's an autism thing, but a poor memory thing exacerbated (at least in the past) by autism
@JeremyMallin i'm the same way - rarely address anyone by name, even my partner. and i feel awkward when someone else addresses me by name unnecessarily. it's like the eye contact of conversation.
@miaoue@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic I have the same, except most people mispronounce my name. So it's like eye contact but with something hanging in their nose.
@actuallyautistic@JeremyMallin I call people by name with specific intentionality: to get their attention, to make others aware of their presence, to clarify to whom I am speaking when that might be confusing, to draw them into contributing to a group conversation, to highlight a contribution, to let them know I value them.
Generally though, I don't socialize. There are maybe a half-dozen people that I engage with regularly, usually on the phone, and since there's only one other person on the call names aren't really necessary.
@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic Maybe, in that it's something a lot of us seem to do. I just don't see the point unless it's necessary to clarify whom I'm talking to or to get their attention. Plus, doing it a lot is known to be a technique to make somebody feel like there's a bond between you, which makes me feel like somebody's trying to manipulate me into feeling closer to them instead of actually doing the work to build a real relationship when they do it to me.
@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic (Not counting people whom I just met who seem to be doing it in a "repeating it to try to get it to stick" kind of way.)
@JeremyMallin@actuallyautistic in many situations, I find that to be very forward/condescending. there are times when it doesnt bother me, like in some greetings. but I generally avoid it and I generally dont like hearing people use my name when speaking to me. the quality of the relationship is a factor -- if I know and/or trust a person very well and feel an affection for them, I'm better with it because it (to me) can signal closeness in certain spaces
It would feel artificial (except in a group setting when it's important to specify who a question is meant for). I would never do it naturally.
And conversely, when someone redundantly uses my name (or what they think is my name, anyway), it can feel creepy and annoying (or sales-person-ish) too.
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