@actuallyautistic
I got the infornation that my mother alway thought or "knew" that I am autistic. I didn't talked yet about it with her and I can't imagine that there is any chance I can't escalate it totally. I am 36 right now and feel deceived and betrayed. I had a tough childhood and youth. And big part of it was that she never set boundaries to me and especially my sibblings. There was a lot to forgive already in the past. And I thought I made my peace with my past, my family and myself.
@actuallyautistic
But know she states that she had this key to understand myself and my struggles all my life in her pocket. And she just decided to not give it to me. There were times I struggled hard. But she didn't gave it to me, nor did she made me seek professional help. This is so fucked up. I guess she had good intentions and she has her own struggles. Maybe she is autistic too. But it feels like nothing can excuse this fucked up case of adultism.
This feels so hard. I wonder ... perhaps the information available to your mum back then was very different from what we know now?
I have undx nd kids your age & am undx but definitely autistic myself (as are others in my fam but only the young ones are dx). When my kids were young the ways of understanding neurodivergence were very narrow & very brutal. The available diagnoses were so stigmatising. I didn't consider autism as a possible dx for my struggling kids - or for myself - bc it was so confronting. (Also I was in denial about my own nd bc of my traumatic childhood, & raising kids as an undx unsupported parent was so hard it's a wonder any of us survived) It's only fairly recently - maybe 15years? - that there's been research & platforms for nd voices that give us an opportunity to understand autism & nd as experienced from the inside, rather than as a bleak cluster of observed deficits. And start to be gentle with ourselves. Most professionals were trained in a narrow, deficits view of nd & were ignorant or unhelpful. With what I know now I can recognise neurodivergence in my kids & myself (& in my mum & my sibs). With what I knew while my kids were young, I couldn't. I didn't have the concepts. Perhaps it was a bit like this for your mum, as well..
I hope you & your fam can find a way to revisit your past kindly. It's a long process. (Coincidentally FckWldrf is a familiar sentiment in our family also 🙈)
@26pglt@actuallyautistic I didn't talk with her yet, but she told my wife she had always had the idea. I guess it could be related to anthroposophy, or having a disabled sister that she thought about could have developed better if not overprotected. But her "knowing" about it, makes her parenting worse than it already was.
And differently from the other stuff, it is not only about the past. Not telling me up till now, makes it a thing of today. I will need some time before facing this talk.
I feel for you. I've been in a similar position: I was 38 when my Dad revealed that one of the central pillars of my childhood had been a lie. It took me ten years to come to terms with the betrayal.
I thought less of my parents after that, but I eventually found a way to handle it without rejecting them or blaming myself for being gullible. That's what I'd urge you to try to do -- and it's not fun, so try to get through it faster than I did.
@ahrimans_erbe@26pglt@actuallyautistic for what it's worth, it's super common for Autistic people to have poor relationships with their parents, each of us in a different way, but often the different ways have common themes (abuse, lack of boundaries, gaslighting, intergenerational trauma...). Undiagnosed, unsupported Autism often comes off as narcicism. If you do have trouble with your parents, you are not alone.
@ahrimans_erbe@26pglt@actuallyautistic society at large being as awfully ignorant of autism, and anthroposophy being an actively obscurantist philosophy on top of that, I can’t begin to imagine the resulting confusion
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
I wouldn't say that. I could get out of this school after fith class and had given not much attention. But in university it became a special interest. I strongly believe thouse schools are not a good place for anyone, but especially not for us.
There is nearly no content in classes. It's cognitive squalor. Everything has a meaning, but nobody will explain. The teachers will make assumptions about your "karma" and act to it. Mobbing is "carmic cleansing". No fun!
@ahrimans_erbe@26pglt@actuallyautistic I’m happy that you got out. We don’t have as many schools of that type in France (where I live) thankfully, but they’re still out there. I wish people would realize what they are.
@llPK@26pglt@actuallyautistic
I could get out of that school, but my parents didn't break with anthroposophy unfortunately. But it wasn't forced on me anymore.
I am really happy about the side effect of pandameic that all those esoteric people acted out more than usual and public awareness was risen. At least people don't ask about name dancing anymore, but are aware that it's a bad and abusive thing.
Sadly there is still no debate to close this schools alltogether.
‘Cognitive squalor.’ Well put. Glad you left in time to get an education.
Steiner schools are well established in Australia. In my experience they do some things well (offer sensory friendly spaces for little kids, create community to catch us/our kids when we fall) & others very badly (totally hopeless dealing with bullying, huge gaps in curriculum, no idea about learning styles). Many histories to be written.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
I don't want to be offensive. But have you ever deeply read about anthroposophy? All this weird Atlantis and racism stuff? That weird made up explanations everything relies on?
Like if you have bad teath you will be bad at math. Because your ether body is responsible for tooth change and later on related to math skills. Bad teeth -> weak ether body -> bad at math. Nothing one can do about it...
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
Or an even better one for all my autistic people out there: If a toddler would bang his head intentionally against the floor or wall (which can indicate, but I guess not necessarilys proofs autism), they say it is due release of incarnation pain. Nothing to worry about.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
They are additionally cultivating meanest ableism. Their explanation for disabilities is that the person has chosen it themself to suffer in this life in order to get rid of charmic debt. Never trust them with taking care of a disabled person please!
@ahrimans_erbe@llPK@actuallyautistic
You're right that stuff is all bonkers, although it had a context in the culture it came from. Those understandings of disability are truly offensive & dangerous.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
I am kind of triggered by excuses like that. Obviously Steiner was not a psychic, he picked up what was there. And obviously it found resonance in a group of people, which is not a big part of society of that time. But it's not an excuse, it's an explanation.
The anthroposophs make of the excuse that Steiner was a child of his time. But on the other hand they don't fundamentally oppose any of his ideas. They only state you got it wrong and don't understand.
Sorry for the trigger, I don't mean to offer an excuse. I'm not an anthroposophist & I respect your experience & understanding. You give me lots to think about re my own ableism & blindness to cruelty.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
No problem. It's not triggering in a harmful way, but it is impossible for me to not point that out.
It's so common that people who struggled themself with this groups will look back to it with mild ambiguity. I can only unterstand this in a way that they didn't figure out that most likely their problems with it were not individual, but systematical. And that they are maybe not aware of the esoterical reasoning on the things that they perceived as good.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
Often waldorf school is viewed as very arty and creative. And in fact you do a lot of art and crafting there. So you can perceive this as confirmed. But doing arts at waldorf is often narrow reproduction what the teacher does and with restricted tools. In first class you get those big chunky crayons. If you would like to scetch with a pencil with distinct lines that is not accepted. Because it does not fit their idea of proper development.
@26pglt@llPK@actuallyautistic
I want to add something that might help to get some relief when sorting something out with respect to #anthroposophy. One has to know that communication is not open in this groups. They will not openly explain to pupils and parents what they are doing and why they are doing it. Even future teachers don't get explained everything. It's a society with inner circles. You actually have to read Steiner or look for external review on it.
@ahrimans_erbe@26pglt@actuallyautistic Grégoire Perra (a former, reformed teacher in a Steiber school) has written and talked extensively about it. Don’t know how much of his work is translated but he’s a formidable resource.
@llPK@26pglt@actuallyautistic
Never heard of him. But it's maybe again something @AnthroBlogger might be interested in. Obviously there might be differences internationally compared to the motherland of anthroposophy. But I guess this whole concept is impossible to be reformed essentially. So differences are most likely minor.
Waldorf without Rudi is like christianity without jesus. Makes simply no sense.
@llPK@26pglt@actuallyautistic@AnthroBlogger
Ah, I see. But point is still relevant since many waldorf apologetics will claim that they are more modern and anthroposophy plays minor role. But that's not possible in the end.
@llPK@26pglt@actuallyautistic
Thanks, but I am occupied by other topics right now. And think I have a quite detailed knowledge about it.
It's nice to know that other countries are starting to target those issues. I also noticed that france recently dropped financial support for homöopathy. Medicine is another topic on which our laws are unbelievable stupid.
@26pglt@ahrimans_erbe@actuallyautistic I think even with the most generous outlook, obscurantism is a waste of time and energy. No fun at all, just bullying and gaslighting. I don’t know how much you know about anthroposophy, though. Maybe you’re speaking in general terms. In that case look it up.
Thank you for speaking so directly. This has been an academic interest of mine for a long time so I’m familiar with history & theory. Do not wish to downplay the abuses it’s enabled or show any disrespect to your experience or views.
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