@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

markusl

@[email protected]

Wizened software engineer in the UK. Cis het man. Married to Mrs Wife since Moses was a pup.

For: science, reason, medicine, vaccines, masks, Free software, tolerance, goodwill, honesty, respect.

Against: partisanship, contempt, closed-mindedness, Brexit.

I always approve follow requests if your profile shows you're friendly and not a bot. If I follow you, you aren't obliged to follow back.

Experimental alt: https://infosec.exchange/@CppGuy

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

Thumptastic, to actuallyautistic
@Thumptastic@universeodon.com avatar

@actuallyautistic I've never had issues with eye contact. I have issues with intensity when I talk to people. However, with the pandemic and people being awful, I like wearing my N95 and hate looking at people in the eye that I don't know. Anyone else?

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Thumptastic @actuallyautistic I definitely had problems with eye contact: I didn't start doing it until someone told me to, when I was 20. I wear my FFP2 because it's the logical thing to do, rather than to hide from people (I think! 😄). I've been consciously deciding to make eye contact for so many decades now that the pandemic hasn't affected it, AFAICS.

AutisticAdam, to actuallyautistic
@AutisticAdam@autistics.life avatar

I'm autistic, so I guess it's natural that I will never, ever be able to understand exactly when is the correct time to add my point to a group conversation.

Watching the conversation move onto a totally different topic, while a really good point is left unsaid, is a very specific autistic sadness.

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@sentient_water

Hey, there, I'm right here in the room! 😄

@jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@nellie_m

And it's great to be among friends. 🙂

@sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@sentient_water

Broadly speaking, it's going well, thanks. It's a difficult time family-wise — there's been a recent death in the family, and Mrs Wife has just been taken into hospital (for something non-life-threatening) — but learning that I'm autistic has been a blessing, not a curse, because it's helped me to understand who I am and shed new light on the past. I've been reading a lot, as you might imagine.

1/

@jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@sentient_water

After hearing advice from other autists that coming out publicly might not be a good idea, I'm planning to split my Fedi presence in two. I've just set up an alt, where I won't be talking about ND stuff, and I'll set up a second new, where I'll mostly be interacting with ND people. If it works out well, I'll drop Fosstodon (low char limit, no formatted text). IRL friends and colleagues will only get the non-ND account ID. 😄

2/2

@jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Susan60

About autism, or about other special interests(TM)? 😄

@sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Susan60

I only ask because I'm guilty of info-dumping about all sorts of things over the years. Mrs Wife has the patience of a saint. Now that I know it's an trait, I'm learning to bite my tongue but, oh my goodness, it's hard...

@sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Susan60

Thanks! That's kind of you.

Mrs Wife is profoundly allistic (she checked by taking some of the tests on <https://embrace-autism.com/>, but there was no doubt in my mind), so I've no idea how you might hint to your partner that he may be autistic. I do know that you're putting a lot of thought into this and I'm sure you'll do the right thing without any help from me.

@sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@sentient_water

That's rough. I'm sorry. I hope this place provides some kind of lifeline.

@Susan60 @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

On a personal note, I'm delighted to say that Mrs Wife is now back home and pottering about contentedly. She'll be stronger in a day or two, but everything's going to be fine. 🙂

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@tkk13909 @Susan60 @sentient_water @jyrgenn @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Ah, yes. I hadn't spotted that there was a ™ symbol on Android. Thanks.

raantuva, to actuallyautistic
@raantuva@turtleisland.social avatar

How to make and keep neurotypical friends as an Autist? Any ideas? I feel the lack of neurotypicals in my life is doing me harm. @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@jamesmarshall

Is that the right URL? When I tap it, I just get a to-do list.

@raantuva @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@davidvasandani

Ah, thanks. The toolbar is completely invisible with Dark Reader enabled!

@jamesmarshall @raantuva @actuallyautistic

StrassenKatze, to actuallyautistic
@StrassenKatze@universeodon.com avatar

Pretty much my experience so far, lol @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Aerliss @StrassenKatze @actuallyautistic Sometimes, NTs can do it too. Mrs Wife has a new friend with an autistic son. The friend knew about my autism before we did.

It makes me wonder how many other people have known or strongly suspected it over the years, and never said anything, at least in a form I was able to understand at the time.

samiam, to actuallyautistic
@samiam@lor.sh avatar

@actuallyautistic so many thanks to those who have made feel feel heard and welcome here in the past weeks. the story thus far: 41 years of "muddling thru" depression, anxiety, misc mysterious health problems, etc when one day a new friend (very rare!) shared with me that they are autistic, and respectfully asked me if i might be too.
this [re]kindled lots of thoughts and feels and sent me down a path of recognizing and uncovering some fairly autistic-seeming traits and behaviors that i had been ignoring or suppressing. i have lately been thinking of myself as "provisionally autistic" which is how i'm trying to walk this line between, one the one hand, not mentally framing Autism As One True The Explanation For Everything and stretching things to try to force them to fit; and, on the other hand, not giving in to Autistic Imposter Syndrome. i want "provisionally autistic" to be a comfortable in-between place where i can "let myself be as autistic as i am" without "trying to be autistic when i'm not" and just observe myself and see how it goes. if that makes any sense?

but (and this is a question mainly to all you late/recent adult [self/]dx folks out there, but of course also anyone else who wants to respond):
How do you KNOW?
i'm stuck in this place where lots of things seem relatable and plausible but there is no sense of AHA IT FITS. there's no THIS FINALLY EXPLAINS IT. i know it's early for me yet -- i've been taking this seriously for weeks not years -- and i probably have to be patient with myself . . . but ggghhhghg.
maybe i'm just venting? i don't know. i'm having a day.

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@samiam

I did some of the tests at https://embrace-autism.com/ and got scores that clearly indicated that I was autistic. That was highly suggestive. But then I read that site's page on autistic strengths and weaknesses, along with https://monotropism.org/ , and I was bowled over by how much of my past and my present it finally explained.

The more I read, the more it fits. Did you know autists often walk on their toes? As a child, I did that until I was told not to.

1/

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@samiam

I think you're wise to avoid looking for an autism dx as the final explanation for everything. Life is complex and there's always more to understand. But, if you do conclude that you're autistic, try to see the discovery as something positive. Everything you could do yesterday, you can still do today. Your fundamental nature hasn't changed. You just have a powerful new insight to help you make the best of your life.

2/

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@samiam

Try to avoid comparing yourself too directly with other people. Autism manifests itself in a wide variety of ways, and each autist seems to get a different selection. For example, many autists are hypersensitive to touch. For the most part, I'm not, but I get distressed if music isn't perfectly in tune. I get autistic overload easily, but, for me, meltdown is rare. For others, it's different. If it turns out that you're autistic, you won't be quite like me.

3/

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@samiam

Do keep talking to the autistic people here. I've found them to be a really friendly and welcoming bunch. You won't be excluded just because you're not sure yet or you aren't pursuing a formal diagnosis. Take your time. Meet the locals and see if you feel like one of us. If you do, that's great -- you'll have learnt something profound about yourself. And, if not, that's fine, too.

4/4

@actuallyautistic

ahrimans_erbe, to actuallyautistic German
@ahrimans_erbe@social.anoxinon.de avatar

@actuallyautistic
I got the infornation that my mother alway thought or "knew" that I am autistic. I didn't talked yet about it with her and I can't imagine that there is any chance I can't escalate it totally. I am 36 right now and feel deceived and betrayed. I had a tough childhood and youth. And big part of it was that she never set boundaries to me and especially my sibblings. There was a lot to forgive already in the past. And I thought I made my peace with my past, my family and myself.

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ahrimans_erbe

I feel for you. I've been in a similar position: I was 38 when my Dad revealed that one of the central pillars of my childhood had been a lie. It took me ten years to come to terms with the betrayal.

I thought less of my parents after that, but I eventually found a way to handle it without rejecting them or blaming myself for being gullible. That's what I'd urge you to try to do -- and it's not fun, so try to get through it faster than I did.

@26pglt @actuallyautistic

markusl, to actuallyautistic German
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ahrimans_erbe

That's exactly what I've been finding, too. As I've learnt more about autism, it's explained all sorts of things about my past and present and helped me to accept myself for who I am, rather than a not-quite-right version of who other people are.

Anyway, welcome to the community.

@Tooden @hellomiakoda @actuallyautistic

Richard_Littler, to actuallyautistic
@Richard_Littler@mastodon.social avatar

Ok, so I'm going to form a team of autistic Ghostbusters...

@actuallyautistic
#autism #audhd

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Carnivius

"Ghost sightings" are really just ambiguous sensory stimuli that people interpret in a certain way. When I was a teenager, I briefly thought I'd seen a ghost, and I reflexively put my hand up to protect my face. In reality, it was just a street light shining through the bare branches of a tree that was blowing in the wind.

Information from our senses is always incomplete. The question is how we interpret it.

@Tooden @Richard_Littler @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Carnivius

I can possibly answer that. Ever since #Fosstodon upgraded to #Mastodon 4.2, I've been getting email notifications for all sorts of things. I had to go into the settings in the Web UI and turn them all back off. (The setting isn't available via Tusky.)

@Tooden @Richard_Littler @actuallyautistic

ashleyspencer, to actuallyautistic
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

How does an autistic go about finding a special interest? #AskingAutistics

I don’t have one. I should have one. Tried numerous times to find something and nothing holds my attention like my business.

Does anyone relate to this being autistic and not having a special interest thing?

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic

I don't know you at all, so my opinion is worth half of nothing, but it sounds to me as if your business is your special interest.

Mine too, as it happens, although I'm an employee. I get paid to do the one thing I want to do, the one thing I'm really any good at.

There are risks to that. If I lose my job or if it turns sour, I'll lose my special interest at the same time. That's a big shock. On the bright side, it's great to enjoy one's work.

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic

But let me follow that up by saying that you don't need anyone's validation to be who you are, and you don't need anyone to tell you that you're doing autism properly. Everyone's unique. You are who you are, and that's enough.

yourautisticlife, to actuallyautistic
@yourautisticlife@mast.yourautisticlife.com avatar

@actuallyautistic

Here's another thing to add to my nightly ritual: nose strips.

I forgot about them because I think that (strangely enough) I did not use them last winter. I did search through my grocery receipts (they are electronic) and the last order I have for them is in 2021. So I think my memory is correct.

I tend to use them when the temperature turns colder. I restarted using them last night, and it made a difference in my sleep. I still woke up a bit early, but I slept very solidly prior to that.

I'm now wondering what the experience of other autistic people with these might be.

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@yourautisticlife

When I'm overweight or I've had a drink, I snore on inspiration between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I don't think nasal strips would help that. The only remedy is for me to maintain a healthy weight and go to bed sober.

Going to bed sober is easy, but getting back to a healthy weight after a foot injury is an uphill struggle. 🙂

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Elizabeth3

All advice gratefully received! Thanks.

My foot is on the mend (thanks to a capable physiotherapist), so I'm much more mobile than I was. If I haven't lost the excess weight in by Easter, I'll have only myself to blame. 🙂
@yourautisticlife @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Jobob

Thanks, but I generally nose-breathe while I'm asleep. The obstruction is further back, between the tongue and the soft palate.

Decades ago, my Dad had a small incision made in an attempt to stop exactly the same problem. It didn't achieve that, but it did open up a channel that squirted liquid straight into his lungs if he chewed a grapefruit segment. I don't think I'll be going for that.
@yourautisticlife @actuallyautistic

DivergentDumpsterPhoenix, to autisticadvocacy
@DivergentDumpsterPhoenix@disabled.social avatar

One of the nuances that "responsible drinking" campaigns often miss is the reason why Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people drink.

Autistic people don't necessarily drink with the goal of inebriation. Often, we drink to cope with the social environment. It acts as a social lubricant that makes it easier to talk and cope with the sensory bombardment that often happens in spaces where drinking is happening.

@actuallyautistic @autisticadvocacy @audhd

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ihazrabies @DivergentDumpsterPhoenix

That's a fascinating insight, and it gels perfectly with my own experience. Thanks for enlightening me. This explains for the first time why I found it so easy to cut down my own drinking and have more dry days from the start of lockdown onwards, when the UK as a whole started drinking more, and why I find it easy never to drink alone.

Kasey, congratulations on your upcoming decade of sobriety.

@actuallyautistic @autisticadvocacy @audhd

theautisticcoach, to actuallyautistic
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

How do my #ActuallyAutistic comrades feel about spirituality?

Not religion, per se, but spirituality.

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

I stopped believing in the idea of a spirit some time ago. I think life arises from physical phenomena and emergent behaviours, not from an invisible homunculus that raises more questions than it answers. Other people will disagree, and that's fine.

So a literal interpretation of spirituality is a non-starter for me. But I do find value in gratitude for what we have and humility in the face of things we can't understand.

JeremyMallin, to actuallyautistic
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

I wonder why there is a high comorbidity of issues and . 🤔

I myself have had strong acid reflux since my mid twenties.


@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@DebsWithCats

This offers some clues to the relationship between autism and IBS:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6096870/

As well as melatonin, the paper mentions probiotics. I've got some relief from probiotics. I've had to try several brands before finding one that makes a real difference. As the paper hints, I find the right probiotic lifts my mood as well as taking the edge off my car-crash digestion.

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic

AutisticAdam, to actuallyautistic
@AutisticAdam@autistics.life avatar

Autistic people are often criticised for “reading too much into things” and “assuming” the worst, but usually what we deduce is highly accurate, thanks to our pattern-spotting and dot-connecting abilities. I think the real issue is we typically unearth truths others want to remain hidden.

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@simid

As well as that, autists see connections between ideas that other people don't. A lot of comedy is about the unexpected — revealing something in the last word or two that completely reframes everything that's gone before. The autistic way of seeing the world is, by definition, unexpected to NTs. I often find myself making groups of people laugh by finding links they hadn't thought of.

@Laberpferd @fictionalbutnot @TeacherGriff @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic

foo, to actuallyautistic
@foo@neurodifferent.me avatar

People think I'm intolerant to smells (because they are only mildly irritated by them, or don't notice them at all) but I suspect my sensitivity to smell is dialled up to the max

If I am downwind of someone smoking a cigarette outside, I can detect it over 100yds away. "How can you smell it from that far away?" They say skeptically. Well, I just can. And it still offends my nostrils at that distance.

Some particular smells really provoke a strong reaction (like get it away from me Now)

I suspect I have a stronger than usual reaction to the obvious stuff that NT people also don't like (body odour, bad breath, public toilets, rotten food, bin juice, poo) but I also have a particular aversion to the smell of cigarettes, cannabis, and a particular Hugo boss aftershave (if someone is wearing this on a packed train full of smells, my brain isolates it and tells me).

Other smells turn my stomach in the morning in particular, as the "wrong smell for the time of day". Walking past a fish market, or if someone starts eating a sandwich on the train at 9am, it nauseates me more than if they did it at 1pm.

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ratcatcher

Sensitivity to cigarette smoke makes sense for everyone, not just autists. Until we tamed fire (which, in evolutionary terms, was recent), smoke was always a threat, and the sooner we noticed it, the more likely we were to get ourselves and our families to safety.

I suspect that this innate sensitivity was battered unconscious when indoor smoking was the norm, but will gradually reawaken as we all get used to breathing cleaner air.

@foo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ratcatcher

I thought that was just me! 😄

I grew up with a difficult person who smoked continually, and I knew that secondhand smoke was dangerous, so it's possible that I subconsciously learnt to hate it.

@foo @actuallyautistic

eo, to actuallyautistic
@eo@dads.cool avatar

@actuallyautistic
Does this happen to you:
I often have trouble focusing while my hearing fades in and out at about 1 second intervals. It's like there's some muscle or something pulsing behind my ears at the back of my nasal cavity.
I used to think it was an anxiety thing, before it was diagnosed with autism (but after I was dx GAD and CPTSD). But I have never heard of a similar experience in anyone else.

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@eo

How's your sleep? I'm an insomniac. When I'm very tired and I close my eyes to concentrate on something, I'll sometimes drift in and out of moments of deep, dreamless sleep. As I drift off, my concentration fails (obviously) and everything goes quiet.

Is it possible that that's what you're experiencing?

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@EternalOutsider

Thanks for pitching in. I appreciate it. 🙂

Getting to sleep in the first place isn't the problem: I'm permanently sleep-deprived, so I can fall asleep within a couple of minutes (sometimes even less). The problem is that, after about 5½ hours, I wake up, and I can't usually get back to sleep.

Lots of autists are short of melatonin, and I suspect that's my problem. If we could buy melatonin over the counter here, I'd certainly try it.

@eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@AutisticAdam

For me, bright light, even immediately before bed, isn't a problem. Seeing any kind of daylight early in the morning is much worse, because it almost guarantees I won't sleep again. For that reason, we have lined curtains and blackout blinds and I roll a beanie hat over my eyes when I go to bed.

Late-night screens seem not to be a problem for me unless they keep me up late or I watch something that's too exciting.

@EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@EternalOutsider

As I say, I roll a beanie hat down over my eyes. It works like a sleep mask, but it provides better coverage and it doesn't come off or move round while I'm asleep.

@AutisticAdam @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Finch

And that works? They ship it? And it doesn't get impounded by Customs? Certainly worth a try! Thanks for the tip.

@EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@n69n

Oh, wow, you're a real morning person. It's 12:30am here, and I'm thinking about getting an early night! 😄

Just because of the rhythm of our week, I couldn't set a regular bedtime that was much before midnight. Mrs Wife comes in at 10pm on a Sunday, and then I serve up a roast dinner.

@ScottSoCal @AutisticAdam @EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@ScottSoCal

I do something similarish, most nights: spend some time alone to unwind, and then creep quietly into bed.

@AutisticAdam @EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Finch

Thanks for this!

I've been contemplating asking for an official autism diagnosis just so that I can ask my GP to let me try melatonin on the NHS. But, as the political situation in the West worsens almost daily, there are reasons to keep my autism under the radar. So perhaps the safest course would be to bring in some melatonin and try it and, if it doesn't help, then just forget the idea. If it does help, I have a decision to make.

@EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@foo

Good tip. Thanks!

@Finch @EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Finch

Wow -- that looks good! It has a Wikipedia page that goes into more detail (some of which I understand, much of which I don't):

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daridorexant

This is the first sleeping pill I've seen that's recommended for long-term use and doesn't cause dependency or rebound insomnia. That's a big thing.

Thanks again.

@foo @EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@yourautisticlife

A decent bed definitely helps, yes. We paid extra, and it makes a difference.

I find exercise improves the odds of good sleep, but doesn't guarantee it.

Melatonin is prescribed for sleep problems in the UK:

https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/melatonin/how-and-when-to-take-melatonin/

I've read everything I can find about good sleep hygiene, and I've done everything that works. One other useful thing: sleep is better on dry days than drinking days.
@caocancio @EternalOutsider @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@EternalOutsider

We went for a mattress with a memory gel layer, but only you know what suits your body, bedroom and budget, so try lots, and be prepared to pay.

If you share a bed with a partner, use two single duvets, not one double. That way, you don't have to agree on how warm a duvet to use and, when one of you rolls over and tugs the duvet, the other is less likely to wake up.
@yourautisticlife @caocancio @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@EternalOutsider

There are all sorts of beds for all sorts of people. A decent bed shop lets you lie down on them and see how you like them. I wouldn't buy a bed I hadn't tried.

(We were given a bed as a gift when some friends emigrated. We used it recently when we were decorating the main bedroom, and we slept noticeably less well. It does make a difference.)
@yourautisticlife @caocancio @eo @actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@yourautisticlife

I'm glad you found a good one.

@EternalOutsider @caocancio @eo @actuallyautistic

CynAq, to actuallyautistic
@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

I'm finding that as I'm becoming more accepting of my own neurotype, I'm having an easier time differentiating what is more difficult for me vs what is easier. Similarly, I can now be increasingly confident in my coping strategies against burnout.

One thing I'm having more difficulty with is the sense of safety. Each day, I'm feeling more and more unsure of my safety within the world.

Accepting that I'm #ActuallyAutistic helps with my self acceptance, therefore with my self-care but it also drives home the fact that I'm fundamentally different, and certain problems I keep having with life are still insurmountable, even though they are not "my fault" anymore.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. I guess I'm trying to ask how do people of the autistic community handle the vulnerable position the acknowledgement of one's neurodivergence puts them in.

@actuallyautistic

markusl,
@markusl@fosstodon.org avatar

@Gtmlosangeles

I know this was posted with the best of intentions, and it's an important piece of research, but I couldn't get past the first few lines. Big trigger warning for my autistic friends!

I'll come back and read this when I feel better prepared.

@actuallyautistic @CynAq

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