I am currently struggling with my emotions that, for some reason, I no longer have control over, and it is so intense, I sometimes cry while walking just thinking about how my mom is struggling with her daily life, while waiting for her eye operation.
My entire life, I was #Spock. But for the past month or so, I've been Spock the human.
I never thought I will need a support group one day, since I've learned to live masking and find ways. But, right now, I definitely need a support group. And I am trying to find one locally that I can join physically. And just cry, and just share, to just be me, someone who will listen.
None of my usual calming methods and tics are working anymore. The emotions are just too intense, I have no idea how to put the lid back on it.
You may find that what you're most upset about is just the top layer, and there's more under that. Whether there is or isn't, it's all right. Just take it one step at a time, and if you need to scream, vent, cry, or whatever, we're happy to be a sounding board.
@youronlyone@actuallyautistic@autistics@youronlyone
Hi, yuki.
sending you love. Your emotions are a good thing. Just difficult to handle with the cultural framing and having to learn selfacceptance and how to feel stable while having these strong waves. Wishing you all the best and lots of selflove.
We'd all be so much safer if everyone was that way. We weren't able to hurt each other anymore the way we do now.
Do YOU need to put the lid back on your emotions. I have decided, by and large, not to put the lid back on mine.
I've told the story in another message of how last weekend The Pink Phantom by Gorillaz came on in my earbuds while I was waiting for the subway. This song encapsulates so perfectly a breakup of mine that I started crying right there. I did not stop the music. I just cried. That partner was my greatest success and my worst failure.
I've had cancer. (Doing fine, thank you.) My cancer lessened my ability to mask. I think one of my autistic traits is uncontrollable sadness. I cry at all kinds of things, from just finding something beautiful that I have to cry, to sad stories.
On and on the topic of Spock acting human... I have a shortcast about that, linked at the end of this message.
@yourautisticlife Thank you for sharing, and the shortcast is relatable. LOL!
I started to be Openly Autistic last year, thanks to the #Kdrama#ExtraordinaryAttorneyWoo. I mean, it's about time to stop masking and be who I am.
But, I guess, emotions was not something I considered. I don't know, it seems that my decision to unmask, also "unmasked" my control on my emotions, and due to the problems that suddenly started to come, I only realised now that I no longer have control over it.
And I have no idea how to manage it this way. It's all new.
I started wondering, was masking ever helpful? I mean, right now, because I kept my emotions wrapped-up, now that I lost control over it, I have no idea how to handle the intense emotions.
I'm glad, no anger related emotions (yet), because I'll probably hear "you have anger issues" when that's not the case.
@youronlyone@actuallyautistic@autistics@youronlyone it's nice to meet you! we have a lot in common. for me, I also crave community to feel affirmed in my experiences, but for me the details involved in that are a bit too much at the moment
I'm a writer and a teacher, and during my summer off, I worked a lot on my emotions, and I feel a little more stable. I wish you some ease of mind with what you're going thru, and please know you're not alone 🕉️ ☮️ ❤️ ✊
@seanwithwords Yep! I crave for community. Even if I'm just an observer, somewhere in a corner, people watching, it's like "I exist, I am not invisible, I am not an alien" (although I joke about being an alien or a human from a parallel earth).
Now that you mentioned it, maybe this "new normal" (a.k.a. isolation) is getting on me. Even at work, I had expectation of interaction, but unfortunately, everyone's too focus.
I still prefer to be alone. But not alone wherein there are no more interactions with other people. I can join a small community, but not concert-like crowds.
Not contradictory, just autistic. I miss having people I can talk to - really talk to. But I also hate crowds, parties, nearly ever kind of social gathering. I don't know, maybe if there was a party just for NT people.
@youronlyone@actuallyautistic@autistics@youronlyone it doesn’t sound contradictory at all! I was talking w a friend this week about how we use social media and for me, I stay away from platforms (or do more lurking) when too many of my IRL friends become social media friends, bc while I crave some connection, I need to keep some of it at a distinct distance. Also I crave small, often crowded poetry scenes, but hate bigger crowds or 1-on-1 interaction
@seanwithwords You described me. ^_^ Glad to know it isn't contradictory, sometimes I wonder why I am that way.
Small crowd is fine. If it gets bigger, it's so draining, and eventually confusing. But if it's 1-on-1, it's scary and awkward, especially when it comes to small talks, unless we're that close.
It's similar to, "I don't want to be touched yet I like it when someone hugs me tight".
@youronlyone@actuallyautistic@autistics@youronlyone
Hi Yuki, I hope you can find the support group that you need.
I can only say that you're not alone and that I feel you!
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