Support is important. Being trans means being a minority, and that means being exposed to minority stress. There’s a significant segment of the population that hates us (not because they really do, but because they’ve been conditioned to).
Being trans, especially during the transition period, is fucking hard,and it’s about 10x worse when Fox News is shoveling hate as fast and far as they can.
I’ve had a lot of really negative experiences since transitioning, especially in the workplace. But I’ve also found some of the most meaningful relationships and a career that feels like I’ve found my purpose.
There’s lots of good and lots of bad, and that’s why support systems are . If you’re in an area that is hostile with no support, you might want to look at non-social forms of affirmation. If you’re in a supportive or even neutral community with some kind of pereonal support system, then you have a real chance of living your best life.
If you’re somewhere in between, I suggest weighing the risks and benefits and going from there.
At the start, doing exercises to stretch your vocal chords and generally just practice is the most important thing. You can worry about fine detail later- a big part is training your muscle fibers to do what you want, and like any muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets. In this case strength won’t lead to power, but rather, control.
Pitch is the last thing to work on. Resonance is the most important aspect (if your goal is to pass). Intonation is very important as well, and there are certain ways of speaking that are associated with cis female voices, like upward inflection at the end of a sentence.
It takes time- with a good clinician in a well supported program, someone who is out and using their new voice, it may take as little as 6 months. Doing it alone via the internet, it will likely take longer (especially if you’re not out - practice is key!) so don’t get discouraged. Just practice, practice, practice!
The shower and the car (if you have one) are generally safe places to practice, and since we travel and bath everyday (ideally), it can be a good way to work in consistent practice.
Overall - amazing. I would stress and worry about whether or not people knew, or could somehow tell, or anytime I dressed I was so anxious whether or not someone would find out.
Not having that cloud hanging over me or in the back if my mind is wonderful.
It’s not all roses though. My conservative parents and I have a strained relationship at best. My dating life is non-existent, and I’ve come to terms with being alone. Sometimes I question whether it was worth it, although I inevitably come back to realizing the frequency of my current doubts are a tiny fraction of the anxiety and questions I had before.
If it’s safe, go for it. If it’s not safe, work to get to a place that is, and go for it. We only have one life.
I did at the restaurant I worked at when I transitioned, although I switch to initials instead of a female name. Everyone was super cool about it, just went, “ok cool.”
Don’t be surprised if people mess up, especially people that know you better - it can be harder for people that know you better to make that initial switch. But if your workplace seems cool with it, it probably will be.
Good luck! This is one of the most nerve wracking parts of transitioning, but also the most rewarding. Reach out if you need any help processing when it’s over!
Just want to comment on the “trap is ok/not ok debate.”
It’s totally cool if you or your partner(s) identity as a trap. As an older trans girl, being a trap was a badge of honor. It meant not only do you pass, but you’re fucking hot. Almost like a trap/not trap distinction of attractiveness (which is also horribly misogynistic and demeaning), but it was a qualifier.
So I get it, part of me likes the idea of being called that - in a private, contextual sense. But the problem is the word and the connotation it has in the general zeitgeist, which implies that a trans person (typically a trans woman) “tricks” a man into having sex with her, and then deserves whatever happens to her, regardless of how dehumanizing it may be.
It is the horrible, completely unjustifiable rationale behind the Panic Defense, and that’s why it is a term that needs to be buried. Continued use of it is an unconscious signal that trans women are perpetrating some kind of deception just by existing in a man’s field of vision (if, of course, she comes close enough to cis white heteronormtive standards of beauty).
Be woke. Don’t say trap (except in the bedroom. And then smack my ass a little 😋).
For the first time, I am content. It’s honestly a wild feeling - less then a decade ago I was about a half step from homeless and an opioid user. Now I’ve successfully transitioned, gotten my dream job, and have a super cute fat kitty. And I just got a message from what seems like a genuinely decent guy who I’m meeting for coffee.
It’s fucking wild. Every day I just appreciate all the small things so much. It’s really made me refocus my goal to try to help people as much as I can now.
Rootin for yall. I hope everyone gets to feel this way.
My mom said a lot of the same things, including the “you’ll always be my deadname”.
Honestly, I think in a way that statement is supposed to be comforting from her point of view (not trying to defend it, just giving context to her ignorance).
It’s hard with family when you know it’s an uphill battle at best. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do it.
Don’t let their worries about your identity color how you feel - this is a big surprise for them, whereas you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking and agonizing about this. You, your feelings, and your identity are valid, regardless of what they are.
I transitioned 5 years ago, publicly now for 4 years - I still have doubts sometimes! It’s natural for any really big life decisions! But those doubts come less and less often, and that sense of euphoria and contentment is much more common for me these days.
Take a breath, take it slow, focus on your safety, and reach out if you need help or support.
And, as the ancient saying among our people goes, “You got this!”
Please DM if you need help getting started or finding resources in your area.
Definitely safety first! In order to live our lives as our best selves, we need to be healthy and safe, which cane be really hard to balance when the people around you aren’t supportive.
Depending on your skin tone and the color of your body hair, laser can be very effective for large areas for (relatively) cheaper.
Pale skin and dark hair have the best results with laser. The closer your hair color to skin color, the less effective it is, although newer lasers are getting better at doing darker skin tones in general.
If you’re willing to travel to Chicago, U Chicago has an amazing program and seems to have much shorter waiting lists. (One of their two main surgeons was Dr. Schecters colleague for many years). Don’t get me wrong, Rush is great, I had my top surgery there. But I heard it’s over a year just to get a consult right now