@lexx3000@masto.ai
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lexx3000

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sad clown (no bookings) F84.5

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Sci_Fi_FanGirl, to actuallyautistic German
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@hessen.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

So, finally I got my official diagnosis.

Having someone neutral confirm my suspicion feels validating somehow. Helps to fight the imposter syndrome. It is a relief.

But it's also overwhelming and confusing. I want to tell everybody and live openly autistic, yet I also fear negative consequences. Then again, I'm tired of masking.

Complicated feelings that I don't fully understand.

lexx3000,
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@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic welcome to the cool kids club. i'm still feeling like i'm faking tho.

lexx3000,
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@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic we just established in my rant to the same group with another person, that we're soup. of all kinds of stuff in it. so yours have carrots in it, mine too, could still be completely different soup.

lexx3000,
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@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic from @EVDHmn

lexx3000, to actuallyautistic German
@lexx3000@masto.ai avatar

@actuallyautistic i keep seeing here ocd or "extremely organised" as a definitely autistic trait, while messy being assigned to adhd and i'm (adult diagnosed) living with a diagnosed in a childhood person and we're messy as hell, especially in combination while neither of us suspect adhd and it's just very annoying to have it as a given here, does anyone share this even?

lexx3000,
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@Selena @sahat @actuallyautistic yeah i referred to cleaning as ocd trait. a friend of mine has ocd about light switches and glass clicking, ritualistic thing.

lexx3000,
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@Dr_Obvious @alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic actually nothing gets quite dirty and dusty, especially if you live in a city i'm just watching how window frames get grey the next day after i washed them

lexx3000,
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@alexisbushnell @benetnasch @actuallyautistic yeah, i rather meant intensity of cleaning as an anxiety relief.

lexx3000,
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@Selena @actuallyautistic if you're really commited to record details in journals there's no attention to the mess. to me hyperfixation feels more dominant than organising and cleaning, unless cleaning is your special interest

lexx3000,
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@Dr_Obvious @alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic ok, true. very true.

lexx3000,
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@benetnasch @alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic eesh sounds hardcore

lexx3000,
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@Dr_Obvious @benetnasch @actuallyautistic i'm guessing i really used the wrong wording here as a quote.

lexx3000,
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@PatternChaser @actuallyautistic remembering where i put a thing i deem as my superpower, it's quite fascinating how brain recalls an action of putting an sd card in a small pocket in jeans with the logic "it fits perfectly". things get complicated when there's some roommates who move stuff.

lexx3000,
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@EVDHmn @spika @actuallyautistic i like soup

theautisticcoach, to actuallyautistic
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Good evening comrades!

If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be?

@actuallyautistic

lexx3000,
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@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic in bed, where i am. not my bed, but will do. maybe i'd teleport in 2015 when i just got 140 cm mattress and i could just read in it. that was a nice mattress .

lexx3000,
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@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic comrades is a funny word with a bad connotation

clouddweller, to actuallyautistic
@clouddweller@raccoon.place avatar

Any other folks get decision paralysis around holiday gifts? I don't want to seem thoughtless so I over think it to hell and back. I wish allistics word their interests on their sleeves the way we do. @actuallyautistic

lexx3000,
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@clouddweller @actuallyautistic nop, i'm usually clueless what? christmas? when? too busy with my bullshit

lexx3000, to actuallyautistic German
@lexx3000@masto.ai avatar

question to @actuallyautistic
depressed ones, is the narrative "what a useless dumb shit you are, freak that shouldn't have been born" ever go away? i recently discovered that apparently it's not a thing always in a background for other humans. it seems to be forgotten when i hyperfocus on some random bullshit that brings joy, but what about you?

lexx3000,
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@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic thanks. similar to mine experience and even when i make something i deem good, it's like happened not involving me really. currently i'm considering just doing drugs again.

lexx3000,
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@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic ok, that's bad news for me.

lexx3000,
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@tine_schreibt @arisummerland @actuallyautistic is it even possible?

lexx3000,
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@tine_schreibt @arisummerland @actuallyautistic that's cute, but i can't really pinpoint. maybe extreme poverty where i was born, when i was actually an extra mouth to feed and none of biological parents wanted me. but then the endless circling through homelessness, abuse and stuff. i sort of determined at some point that it's mostly targeted on the child me, so likely something from early days. i'll think about it, thank you

lexx3000,
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@fishidwardrobe @actuallyautistic hating the hatred

lexx3000,
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@nddev @actuallyautistic it's hard to separate, true. part of it being not well... not always able to earn money, i've had soul wrenching jobs with good salaries but generally am staying commercially useless. which could absolutely be autistic part.

clouddweller, to actuallyautistic
@clouddweller@raccoon.place avatar

Does anyone else @actuallyautistic have the problem of the jokes they make worrying people. Like people think my mental health is worse than it is sometimes because I make jokes about it… but it’s part of how I process and sometimes it’s actually just funny. I’m not talking self harm references, more casual void talk and the standard irony poisoning I thought all millennials were in on….

lexx3000,
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@clouddweller @actuallyautistic ah, yes. my part of processing as well. anything that makes me uncomfortable i will joke the hell out of. but i'm connecting it to ptsd rather than autism.

lexx3000,
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@clouddweller @actuallyautistic to break free is a journey, you'll get there given persistence

AutisticAdam, to actuallyautistic
@AutisticAdam@autistics.life avatar

Autistic people often have an interesting relationship with spare items. It's just how it goes with alot of us. Some of us gain a strong sense of security and inner peace from knowing we won’t run out of things we love any time soon, but
of course some of us also find spares pressurising and like to have only one of everything.

@actuallyautistic

lexx3000,
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@AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic difficult to differentiate in my personal experience because i grew up in poverty when we rationed till social money and then could afford only one thing at a time and i'm pretty sure it ingrained deeply. first time i witnessed people buying in bulks was when i saw how rich families buy groceries. once i had a decent income, hating supermarkets, i tried ordering bulks but generally i eat very little and groceries end up rotting.

karawynn, to actuallyautistic
@karawynn@wandering.shop avatar

A total stranger has acted against me in a way that has triggered my sense of gross injustice

and even though logically I recognize that the results are not objectively devastating and I should just accept it and move on

my brain absolutely refuses to focus on anything else except that someone is getting away with lying and making me pay the price.

My peeps out there know what I mean? How do you get out of the SO UNFAIR headspace?

@actuallyautistic

lexx3000,
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@karawynn @actuallyautistic i repeat over and over to others and myself that fairness doesn't exist, not for the places i am from. no karma, no justice. the amount of times i witnessed injustive and my incapability to get over it brought to this and it's sad and funny how nt-s are shocked by this concept.

lexx3000,
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@johnettesnuggs @karawynn @actuallyautistic oh that's so familiar. i'm guessing our living comes hand in hand with good friends losses. but why have friends if you can have books.

Private
lexx3000,
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@dukeoffailure @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic when i'm confused i just ask which emotion am i supposed to experience now and people who are used to my shenanigans and aren't jerks answer expected emotion

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