How do I make friends as an adult? I'm new to my area and don't have any local friends or community. Have been struggling with loneliness a lot lately.
Any other #actuallyautistic folks get decision paralysis around holiday gifts? I don't want to seem thoughtless so I over think it to hell and back. I wish allistics word their interests on their sleeves the way we do. @actuallyautistic
Usually, I'm very self-conscious. But it happens from time to time, that I'm in a state of (work) flow and feel rather good about myself. Then, I'm more likely to engage in various conversations. Because I feel good, I might overshare, give advice, over-estimate my abilities or be silly. Consequently, I feel ashamed about my "outburst" and wish to never see any of them ever again. (Repeat cycle)
@actuallyautistic i ask because i think i might be addicted and that it amplifies the "weirdness" people perceive in me. But maybe I'm just weird. Idk.
@Dremmwel@actuallyautistic There is no such a thing. You have the right to say "no" (there might be consequences though, depending on the context). The way you adress this situation is your responsability (being polite, offering some alternative, etc). The responsability about how they feel about it is theirs.
@caocancio@actuallyautistic@Dremmwel I now qualify my response with timelines for what is being asked. But even that seems not good enough for nt bosses. They are like I ordered you to do it not tell me what is involved.
Does anyone else @actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic have the problem of the jokes they make worrying people. Like people think my mental health is worse than it is sometimes because I make jokes about it… but it’s part of how I process and sometimes it’s actually just funny. I’m not talking self harm references, more casual void talk and the standard irony poisoning I thought all millennials were in on….
@actuallyautistic@Dremmwel this. I’m definitely an absurdist and what can you do then but laugh at the massive joke that is life and all it’s tragedies and such.
So I started a meme account that no one knows is me. Now that’s where I designate my actual, unfiltered, sense of humor.
@TzipiDee@actuallyautistic I’m definitely that meme of that guy who tries to make jokes and is dismayed when the therapist doesn’t laugh at the punch line.
@actuallyautistic@lexx3000 Mt ptsd is intertwined with my autism. It’s resultant of how people in my life, including my parents, would bully me. It carries over to adult relationships and I’ve not really broken free at 37.
As an autistic person, I would feel uncomfortable judging anyone for their facial expressions. There are many reasons why I dont. I know what it’s like to be truly unable to control your facial expressions, and receive criticism from others for looking smug, angry and/or looking miserable, when infact you’re not.
@actuallyautistic@AutisticAdam people have been saying I’m condescending my whole life. It’s truly not my intention. Like I’m lonely, I want friends, I’m not trying to come off like that
One difference I see between mastodon and twitter:
On twitter the autistic community is very large, and issues regarding such things as hashtags, acceptance of self-assessment, etc, have been substantially worked out a long time ago. There are some disagreements that arise from time to time, but on these core ideas it's just a few individuals who oppose acceptance of self-assessment.
The concepts associated with the neurodiversity paradigm are widely supported.
My own dislike of twitter was (and is) mostly centered around the silo effect of Twitter structure. There are influencer accounts that dominate discussions, towering over the crowd like big vertical silos, and most significant discussions that get any real notice occur within those silos. It's really hierarchical, and vertical rather than horizontal. I've written threads there which discuss this and while there were a lot of supportive people who agreed with me, some didn't, and a few of the huge influencer accounts took a disliking to me. Names some of you would be familiar with.
Yep, that really happened.
Seems most autistics there don't mind that top-down structure, which is why they stay there, I guess.
It is a much bigger world there, that is true.
I really like the relative degree of absence of that verticality here on Mastodon.
My friends’ gf is the mother of an autistic child and she often uses this fact to discount and discredit my self dx, which I feel is unfair because I can’t afford to seek dx and would if I could. She keeps suggesting I get back on meds for depression and anxiety that we’re really not helping my disorders so much as obliterating my sex drive and thus destroying the relationship I was in. I don’t know how to politely tell her I’ve tried the things she has recommended and they didn’t work for me, without sounding like im just discounting it out of hand…. Or being obstinate. But somethings don’t have a cure and Im ok with that. I just don’t want to be judged. #actuallyautistic@actuallyautistic
@actuallyautistic@yourautisticlife I did try to mention that it didn’t work for me and she kind of treated me like I was making excuses, not that I have experience managing my own condition.
It's always interesting when people speak about their "ADHD symptoms" while describing traits of being autistic and then argue, in the most autistic of ways, of why they aren't autistic.
Another observation that is borne out of investigating the problems that my ex-wife and I had.
I've learned about neurodivergence about a year ago. Prior to that, I knew my ex-wife had ADHD, but I did not know anything about neurodivergence.
Like most people in the world, I thought that we neurologically work all more or less in the same way. Then I had experiences that led me to be exposed to the idea of neurodivergence. Eventually, I realized that I'm autistic.
I think that my ex-wife also thought we're all wired in the same way. I don't think there's been an awakening on her part about the fact that her brain and mine do not work the same way.
All this to say that I think some of the friction that we experience in our lives can be understood if we understand that all brains do not process the information they receive in the same way.
I'm wondering what schools are doing to expose kids to the concept of neurodivergence. I don't know that me and my ex-wife really understanding neurodivergence earlier would have saved us, but I'd like future generations to have all the tools at their disposal for living a harmonious life.
My biggest disagreement with life in general, and I now believe this is the fundamental difference between how my brain operates and how the average NT brain does, is how things are prioritized.
In my brain, things are prioritized per their material utility. If something has immediate utility, a visible benefit to someone, or if it's solving a pressing problem, they are on top of the importance list. It may sound like a callous way to put it but health related, life saving action is categorized in the "high material utility" bin for my brain.
In addition to this prioritization, I also tend to equate difficulty of a task with its perceived importance. "If something is very important, then the stakes must be high also" my brain says. On the flipside, if I know something is trivial to accomplish physically, it's not "important" in my brain.
In the life made by NTs for NTs, most "very important" things are trivial to the extreme. Bureaucratic paperwork, deadlines, remembering birthdays, most jobs are just mindless busywork to me, with no perceived importance whatsoever, but somehow they seem potent enough to stop the world in its tracks for the majority of people.
This creates enormous stress for me, and is responsible for most of my burnouts in my 50 year life. The dichotomy between my sense of priority and that of the world around me.
When I was still in my PhD program, the work I did, the information I and my team uncovered were the priority for me. The integrity of the work was paramount. Increasingly, through the feedback I received from my advisor, I started feeling like something was wrong and the real thing to focus on should have been how I marketed my research and my efforts rather than the work and the results themselves. This led to my burnout and me leaving before I defended my dissertation.
I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts on this topic. Do you also think your version of what's important is fundamentally different than the world's?
@actuallyautistic how are y’all’s sleep schedules impacted by autism/adhd? anyone else get stuck in waiting mode overnight for an early morning obligation?
@yourautisticlife@parcheesy@actuallyautistic its not like an actual diagnosis or anything like that. What I mean is it doesn’t occur regularly enough or in long enough duration for my psych to diagnose me, but it comes in spurts where I become very sleep deprived. The spurts seem to be very similar sensation as my waiting mode, like this vibrating paralysis to my physical and emotional momentum. It’s very hard to describe without sounding a little nuts.
@yourautisticlife@parcheesy@actuallyautistic its not like an actual diagnosis or anything like that. What I mean is it doesn’t occur regularly enough or in long enough duration for my psych to diagnose me, but it comes in spurts where I become very sleep deprived. The spurts seem to be very similar sensation as my waiting mode, like this vibrating paralysis to my physical and emotional momentum. It’s very hard to describe without sounding a little mentally unhealthy.
@parcheesy@actuallyautistic@yourautisticlife my psych said he doesn’t consider it pathologically insomnia unless you are awake constantly for days. I was like, that’s ridiculous, the human body couldn’t endure that level of restlessness indefinitely.
@Fayedray@spyro I’ve been pleasantly surprised how robust the fedi autism community has been. Additionally there is really no debate here as to wether self dx is valid, with everyone I’ve talked to about it being supportive of my reasons for not seeking dx rn. It feels a lot safe than twitter or insta.
@actuallyautistic@theautisticcoach I get really nervous, especially about having to try and make conversation with the barber, but also don’t love managing my fear they will cut the tip of my ear off.
I'm working on a blog post about meditation for people who find meditation really difficult, especially thinking about autistic and ADHD folks. If this is you, I would love to know what concerns or questions you have about meditation. Please reply to this post and let me know, what makes meditation difficult for you? @actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic#adhd#audhd
