So, on pronouns.

salarua, 9 months ago

answering your questions as best I can (I’m a straight male too) in order:

1. if he/him seems right to you, then your pronouns are he/him. if other pronouns seem right to you, then your pronouns are those pronouns. pronouns don’t have to match up with your gender or presentation, go with whatever you vibe with
2. when meeting new people, I give my name and pronouns. “hi, my name is salarua and my pronouns are he/him.” of course, it’s nice to give your pronouns when asked, but other than that it’s up to you
3. just including your pronouns in your profile is good. some people put them in their nicks, some in their bio or about me. if you have a Mastodon, Akkoma, Misskey, or Firefish account you can put your pronouns in your custom fields
4. you can try and figure out other people’s pronouns from how other people refer to them. many people will also give their pronouns if you introduce yourself with your pronouns. it’s not a faux pas to not know someone’s pronouns beforehand, although I admit I don’t know a non-awkward way to ask someone their pronouns
5. a good bet is to refer to people whose pronouns you don’t know as they/them. if you mispronoun someone by mistake, quietly correct yourself and continue with whatever you’re saying. “so after arriving at the office, he- sorry, they went to go see their supervisor about the presentation…” as long as it’s not done out of malice, people don’t mind being mispronouned if you acknowledge the slip-up and move on
6. I haven’t met anyone irl with neopronouns either. presumably people with neopronouns would go by them if they were among people they felt safe with. unfortunately most of the world isn’t safe :(

ada, 9 months ago

Honestly, just try and avoid aggressively using gendered pronouns as the default. It’s not the end of the world if you do, but if you just stick with using they/them and names until you’ve had a chance to pick up on the social cues, you’ll be fine. And if it’s in a situation where no one knows anyone else, and where the social cues aren’t giving you the answer, then yeah, that’s the time to lead with your name and pronouns.

But none of it’s a big issue. Trans folk feel it when you get it wrong. We notice, but we also understand that sometimes mistakes happen, especially in a society that has taught everyone to associate pronouns and assumed gender. What’s important isn’t that you get it right every time, what’s important is that you pay attention when you get it wrong, and do your best to get it right from then on.

shapis, 9 months ago

I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.

barry_budapest, 9 months ago

You can normalize preferred pronouns by declaring them when you introduce yourself. Eg. I’m Barry and my pronouns are he/him. That’s being a good ally.

If you get someone’s pronoun wrong, it’s no big deal as long as you don’t keep pushing it. They can correct you and you should just use their pronoun after. The most important thing is to use the correct pronoun once told.

You can also ask if a person you have just met has preferred pronouns.

planish, 9 months ago

People will sometimes introduce themselves with pronouns, or sometimes wear little badges with them.

There are definitely people IRL who don’t use the pronouns one might guess by looking at them. I haven’t met many (any?) people who go by neopronouns, but they are around the Internet.

You can often just guess pronouns for people, but if you can’t read the gender someone is presenting (is your new friend rocking a kilt, sports bra, and enormous beard?) it might be polite to ask, and/or to use “they” until you get the right one.

You don’t have to want people to call you he/him just because you are a man. But he/him is overwhelmingly popular with men, so it’s a fine choice.

If there is a field for pronouns, and you want people to know yours instead of them having to guess, you should put yours in there. The other reason to put pronouns in, even if people are likely to guess right, is to exercise the field for the people who often get guessed wrong.