@actuallyautistic@allautistics
I keep seeing people complaining about how Mastodon is full of "splainy reply guys" and I think there's a misperception of #Autistic#infodumping going on. I think there's more of us on here and we're more comfortable being ourselves. What will it take to get the allistics to understand that our contributions are offered in a mature "yes, and" spirit as opposed to the juvenile "well, actually" they seem to always read it as.
We're genuinely smart, not stuck up.
I think in some cases you’re right. Some ex- (or still) Twitter users seemed to be pretty thin-skinned about it, and also other things - like quickly labelling questions as sealioning, or a little digression as whataboutism etc.
But I’ve also seen complaints by (mostly female) experts who were experiencing (mostly man-)splaining, one I remember sadly left Fedi because of it. So I think there’s both.
@nellie_m@actuallyautistic@allautistics there's definitely some of both going on. The reason they assume ill intent is because a lot of people do use that kind of approach to play their social games that we tend to not care about, or even perceive often. Imo it feels like a flawed huristic, like if abled ppl learn it's an asshole move to use a space set aside for disabled ppl, but then takes that to the extreme of calling out disabled ppl as assholes for using that space. They missed the point
People who mean "Well, actually ... [with "you ignorant doofus", or worse, implied]" greatly outnumber "Yes, and" or "Totally with you on this" ones (who skew #ActuallyAutistic) ...
... especially among men talking to women.
Hence, 'splainy reply guys.
I might also add:
there are #ActuallyAutistic people out there who, because of unresolved misogyny, bad socialization, or what have you, sometimes adopt the "'splainy reply guy" script because in some circumstances, it sort of works to get what they want -- because our overall society (thinking USA here, but it's true many other places) is pretty hostile towards women and especially women demonstrating expertise.
Crossing that bridge is hard. You can't do it as it's happening, because that just sounds like trying to 'splain the 'splaining. And people who assume a splainy guy by default aren't exactly wrong, either. Most of the time, it is a splainy reply guy and #ActuallyAutistic people are on the wrong side of the stats.
@dpnash@actuallyautistic@allautistics yeah, I've been on the wrong end of mansplainers myself. Being a smart AFAB, I've certainly seen my share of guys getting irrationally angry that I already know about the thing they're trying to impress me with. I have more issues with that IRL, and it's really impacted my ability to socialize. Online I don't have to deal with the potential danger, but then I get lumped in with the assholes who make offline hell so I can't make friends here, either
A few years ago I sat in a meeting while a (no longer here) electronics engineer mansplained astronomy to the (female) program lead scientist who was visiting from NASA.
It was entertaining AF when she explained all the very many ways he got it wrong.
@Vincarsi@actuallyautistic@allautistics I don't think all 'reply guys' are autistics info dumping (or, autistics reflecting the OP back as a way of agreeing: "Yes! Here's how I see it").
@fishidwardrobe@Vincarsi@actuallyautistic@allautistics I hate to add to the pressure we already experience to conform to allistic expectations, but I think that "mansplaining" is such a toxic phenomenon that we really do have to learn that our infodumping is often unwelcome.
It may be best understood as a matter of consent, checking whether our input is wanted.
so, we have two different groups now. @actuallyautistic and @allautistics. I understand that not all autistic people were there when the discussion took place, that resulted in the #ActuallyAutistic hashtag.
In short: A lot of NTparents took over the discussion and steered it in a direction that was toxic to autistic people themselves, talking over them, not with them in a massively ableist way. Promoting harmful stuff like ABA and the like. A lot of that took place on Twitter. Hence the tag to make sure we speak to each other, not to people that want to help us eradicate the autism from ourselves or any such nonsense.
To new people it sounds a bit exclusive though. Hence the #AllAutistics hashtag, that plopped up. ActuallyAutistic is meant to be inclusive of all autistics, regardless whether they have a diagnose or whether they know for sure. As long as they are in it for themselves. And is also fine for people that want info and learn directly from the horses mouth, cus they have autistic loved ones, kids etc. (many blood related people are some kind of neurodivergent too, anyways, whether they know it or not). it says "actually" too exclude people that would be disrespectful towards Autstic people. That's all. But it's understandable that it does sound exclusive to some, without explanation. The new people are in that vulnerable phase where they question themselves a lot. Am I really autistic or am I just an imposter. We all had this phase and it can take years and maybe it never ends. I still have these moments of" Ohh whow, I actually have this trait also. It just looks different in me". Well . It always looks different. Cus we aren't all white males with stereotype autism and its highly individualized.There's a ton of autistic people running around that aren't diagnosed and probably never will be. Your chance at being diagnosed as a woman is maybe one in four, depending on where you live, your status, your skin color, your traits. Some traits are more often leading to diagnose than others. Imposter syndrome is the norm not the exception. That's why we often hear" if you wonder whether you are autistic or not, you most probably are". NT rarely wonder about this. And we've all been through this stage. And BTW no one cares if you change your mind or if you're insecure. It's absolutely fine. You're invited.
So. I think we should have one. having two is inconvenient. And most people still hang out in the ActuallyAutistic- one. So either you all feel invited or we think of a name, that includes both, the history and the new people that have arrived. Just sayin'. I know it's probably gonna solve itself by one of them attracting more people and then being the remaining one, but I just wanted to repeat about the history and I don't want new people to get confused over this. Just so you know: There was no disagreement. It's just a question of history moving on and flow of information from old to new not always being perfect. If we need a change of defining terminology that's fine, but let's not get confused or feel divided ok?
Maybe it's ok. to have two, maybe the AllAutistics helps find people that are in the same state of finding out. Whatever helps is fine. I'm just writing this out so no one has to feel confused or not welcome. And BTW, there is a reason why people write hashtags in CamelBack., that's much more readable to screenreaders. Love to you all.
The most important thing (as you mention) is to be welcoming to the newly (self or formally) diagnosed and the enquirers. As long as some people are following each of the above groups and hashtags and can respond to those people, I don't necessarily think the duplication matters that much.
It will probably (again as you said) shake out over time.
@sahat@actuallyautistic@autisticme@allautistics the Actually autistic hashtag is dominated by white, middle class probably gifted recently figured out that they are autistic people from places like north America and Europe.
@CatHat@actuallyautistic@autisticme@allautistics
the whole of mastodon is mainly white european/north american. It has its limitations. But as far as my experience goes it can be a very supportive community.
@actuallyautistic@allautistics #ActuallyAutistic#AuDHD
i want to try a little bit of a resume after a few years of unmasking.
I've changed considerably. My style of masking had a lot to do with suppressing my own needs and being, nice - typically female socialization. It's a huge relief to untangle that an let it go. Ongoing process.
I have been confronted with rejection sometimes. I have to learn to navigate the apprehensive reactions when I'm obviously different and autistic. It's a style of being that I used to only observe in male neurodivergents, that I was close to. Its a rather new experience and as I let go of the pressure that made me mask, I undo a lot of subconscious decisions that I've made before I could even think properly. Probably in early childhood. That process also brings up fear sometimes. Like feeling exposed or insecure of what or who I am.
So I have to navigate both, not matching peoples expectations of how a woman should behave and not matching them as to how "normal" should be performed.The two masks are too intertwined to always know them apart. As a consequence I risk clashing with men much faster. I am even more acutely aware of their habitual ways to assert power in all these minor social ways... bit unsettling. It's a whole new set of skills to navigate that and figure out how much irritation will I cause when I do x and is that o.k., or do I make it easier for myself if I don't..Like learning a new social skill.
The core thing is that I have so much more awareness of what is really going on in me and what my wants and needs are. It's a different thing to play social as long as I have the conscious choice to do it or not do it. If you grew up masking, you don't have that. I feel I have taken it back.
life does not get easier.But also not harder. But my private life is freer and happier. And maybe life did not get easier because I'm still in the adjustment phase.I feel like these past few years of autistic unmasking were a transition and I am about to find anew form, I can move forward with. I have an inkling that it has also a lot to do with everything not getting easier right now. For most people.
I don't think I had a choice. Once I had started on this path, it just felt so right. It is healing. It is full of revelations. It brings me closer to my personal truth. But not everyone around you will like that change. But that is to be expected. Lately I feel, like if I'm putting my feet on the ground for the first time ever, properly. Like if some fog has cleared up. I'm more"in the world". Those lingering subconscious illusions of "I will magically become normal one day" are gone. My energy is more focused on reality as a consequence.
Spirituality is important to me. It may also have been a safe space and a bit of an escape where I could be as sensitive as I am. A flag to sail under and be neurodivergent AF without naming it. (seeing, feeling, experiencing things, inner realities , other dimensions, whatever you want to call it) I don't need the escape so much anymore. That changed my ways of expressing my inner perceptions. Like if I'm more certain about what place this has in my life and in my person.
One more important term is shame. There used to be this need to hide parts of myself and I did not even know why. Social embarrassment. And that is changing. It's still tough to be in those situations where I used to feel embarrassed so much, that I would mask it all away, and not do it. Not do the masking. Let it come up and dissolve in me instead. And navigate the social contact in a new way. It's a bit wild. But I like it.
How did your unmasking-journey go?
@sahat@actuallyautistic@allautistics 'Style of masking' is interesting. More worthwhile for consideration than 'to mask or not to mask' – strangers can't cope with me being me, what would be the point? Might as tell me to go live in the woods!
Yes, much better to consider HOW I am masking than whether I should.
What has changed, though, is becoming consciously aware of it and macromanaging it. Paying attention to my social battery and getting myself tf out of there if it's too low.
Betterthan the old way of masking until I'm exhausted and then meltdown, all the while veing unaware wtf is going on with me.