I've had a lot of people in my environment die, but most of them were people that I didn't know very well or just someone I worked with or whatever. My dad died when I was 19 and if I grieved at all it was for a lifetime of drama that my family had to put up with before he did the decent thing and ate a bullet.
That's the "a lot". I've had a couple - very small number - of friends, two of which could be considered close that died unexpectedly. One was heart condition and his health wasn't great to begin with, so not much of a surprise even though it certainly wasn't planned. The other was tragic - I worked with a girl Sabrina.
I quit the job and moved on, she stayed behind for a few years. She eventually got fired, I think because she wanted to be paid a living wage, and they fired her. While she still had insurance she figured she should get a check-up while looking for a new job and she was diagnosed with TB.
I don't have the details, but shortly after getting the TB meds she went into renal failure...died a few days later. I saw her in the hospital the day before she died and was one of the only white people at her open casket funeral. I didn't care for the corpse.
There have been a few times when I've seen a woman that resembled her and I felt a little saddened by it, but still...not what I would consider grief.
I've lost pets...those always seem to hit harder, but there's still not much in the way of tears.
I'm not sure if I'm broken or practical.
Everyone and everything dies. There are 8 billion people alive right now that in 150 years time will absolutely be dead. Just seems easier to recognize and understand that. Our time here is fleeting. <shrug>
@theautisticcoach@actuallyautistic I find grief far too painful. I place relevant bits of it in boxes (as it were) that reside on mental shelves to be opened at some future date. It usually takes 20+ years for me to get to a point where grieving happens.
@theautisticcoach@actuallyautistic Calmly to begin with, usually the emotional processing takes a LOT longer than allistic emoting. I’ve had four relatives die in recent years, two uncomfortably recently and close in timing to each other. I get waves of grief and overwhelm only after having to do all the practical jobs first, which can be months after.
After my father’s death, I focussed so hard on doing everything that had to be done that I forgot to grieve. I think part of the grieving we go through when diagnosed/self diagnose, for opportunities lost etc, is also about opening the flood gates for all that other grief has had been stored up over the years. And maybe not knowing what it’s about is because it’s about a lot of things.
@actuallyautistic@Susan60@CynAq@theautisticcoach Can very much relate to these effects, both in bereavement and ‘diagnosis shock’. When first relative died, I had to support their partner, and only after they passed could I fully grieve the first loss as I’d been so focused on doing.
@innervisioner@actuallyautistic@CynAq@theautisticcoach
I’ve been told that I’m too much of a rescuer, & thats probably true to an extent, but I think it’s also that abundance of empathy thing too. It’s not that I care more about others than myself, as that I probably register their feelings before I’ve processed my own? (I’m working this out as I go…)
@actuallyautistic@theautisticcoach@CynAq@Susan60 That sounds like you’re more aware of others’ needs because they instinctively know & communicate them more than we do. Wouldn’t assume rescuer status because of that, just that maybe your needs weren’t made clear from when young to learn to prioritise yourself? It’s laughable that autistic folk are deemed devoid of feelings!
I was undiagnosed, an expressive & clearly emotional girl in the 60s. Once I’d learned to mask & suppress behaviours well enough to escape the worst of the teasing & bullying at school & at home, my issues went under the radar as more serious & urgent issues arose elsewhere.
I learned a little about prioritising myself as a young mother, & when counselling other young mothers. You can’t hope to be a “good” mum if you don’t look after yourself.
@Susan60@CynAq@actuallyautistic@theautisticcoach Sadly a familiar and recurrent situation in ND folk of certain ages… But huge props for learning & readjusting when you became a mum. I’m not a mum - circumstances - but learned later when working with/for others got overwhelming. The cabin crew oxygen mask message is very relevant! 😉
It wasn’t easy. Looking back, I really think that my AuADHD provided as many strengths as difficulties, but I’m very aware that’s not the case for everyone.
@theautisticcoach@actuallyautistic@CynAq Definitely: I wonder if this is too much hitting us at once, such as multiple simultaneous losses in later life, that causes confusion about what’s being grieved?
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