President Signs Executive RULE To Harvest Adrenochrome From Firstborn Children

President Signs Executive Order To Harvest Adrenochrome From Firstborn Children

WASHINGTON—In a bold move to fulfill his campaign promise of providing enough adrenochrome to keep Congress and the top 1% of Americans young and healthy, President Joe Biden signed an executive order on Monday requiring all American families to sacrifice their firstborn children to the federal government.

The executive order, which takes effect immediately, states that “all parents or legal guardians of children born on or after January 1, 2024, shall deliver their eldest child to the nearest designated collection center by December 31, 2024, or face severe penalties, including imprisonment, fines, and forfeiture of property.”

According to the White House, the collected children will be transported to secret facilities where they will be subjected to extreme fear and pain to extract their adrenochrome, a chemical compound that some believe has anti-aging and euphoric effects. The adrenochrome will then be distributed to members of Congress, the president’s cabinet, the Supreme Court, and other wealthy and influential elites.

The president defended his controversial decision in a televised address, saying that “this is a necessary sacrifice for the greater good of our nation and our future. We cannot allow our leaders to grow old and weak, while our enemies are young and strong. We must ensure that America remains the greatest and most powerful country in the world, and that requires a steady supply of adrenochrome.”

The executive order has sparked a mixed reaction from the public, with some expressing support and others outrage. Some parents said they were happy to give up their children for the sake of their country, while others said they would resist and fight back. Some critics said the executive order did not go far enough, and called for the harvesting of adrenochrome from all children, not just the firstborn.

“I think this is a great idea,” said Mary Jones, a mother of three from Rockville, Maryland. “I love my kids, but I love my country more. And I trust that the president knows what he’s doing. He’s a very smart and successful man, and he wouldn’t do anything to harm us. He’s doing this for our own good.”

“I think this is a horrible idea,” said John Frye, a father of one from Salem, Massachusetts. “I love my kid, and I love my country, but this is too much. This is a violation of our human rights and our constitutional rights. This is a dictatorship, not a democracy. And I don’t trust the president at all. He’s a very stupid and evil man, and he’s doing this to harm us. He’s doing this for his own good.”

“I think this is a good idea, but not enough,” said Jane Doe, a childless billionaire from New York City. “I think we should harvest adrenochrome from all children, not just the firstborn. Why should they have all the fun, while we have to suffer? We deserve to live forever.”

As of press time, President Biden was seen tying off at the podium and freebasing adrenochrome while giving a thumbs up.

(AI generated in the style of the onion.)