the more i read here the more i wish that you simply message the mods in private and give them stuff like the instance name.
They have NO reason to dox you.
From what i got you guessed the issue by testing around on YOUR side. You dont know anything about their side so you cant 100% identify the problem.
If you want to have the conversations outside of Lemmy i am sure that they would accept if you create a throw away matrix account and talk over this.
The issue you have others could have too and if you are not able to talk about it with others could have propblems too.
I mean it could be some weird bug that no one else discovered so far.
What would really help if you speak with the other devs, only talk about facts (not assumptions based on facts, that are still assumptions), stay calm and hydrated