When it’s been a few days since I watered my plants, I grab my spray bottle and tell them…
I mist you....
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein make another monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?
… two animals who are in a baaaaad moooood.
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank!
What do you call a beehive with no exits?
Un-bee-leaveable.
What do you call a pilot who always flies the same plane?
Very dedicated to her craft.
I bought an incomplete joke book the other day...
I just bought the world's worst thesaurus....
Not only is it terrible, but it’s terrible.
You know, I can do a little Algebra and work my way through trig
But geometry is where I draw the line
A Roman walks into a bar
and says “I’d like a martinus”....
Why are the melons all single?
Because they cantaloupe.
why did the soldier leave the restaurant?
He got his order to go
Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had Bad Blood.
What do you call a monster with a high IQ?
Frank-Einstein!
Last night my wife and I watched 3 movies back to back,
thankfully I was the one facing the TV.
I was going to tell a dad joke about construction
But I’m still working on it
Why was the apple pie crying?
It was in its fillings
Why did Waldo go to therapy?
Because he needed to find himself!
Why do pirates never win body building contests?
Because even if they have have A+ arms, they all have C legs.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square!
How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine
Why do couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to workout!