Only a few times have I gotten in trouble for it luckily and I never actually done anything more than shout the most disgusting insults at someone.
Honestly, that sounds pretty normal to me. I do see this behavior everywhere (people getting angry and shouting the most disgusting insults at someone). It seems like you do have some sense of control, since I’ve also seen anger get physical, throwing things, destroying things, attacking people, attacking themselves, which it doesn’t seem like you’re doing.
often enough I feel they fucking deserved it.
Anger has a purpose. It is meant to get you to do something about problematic things. If you actually do feel like they deserved it, and you actually only shouted at them, then this really does seem like the most normal thing in the world.
To me personally, it sounds more like you have some belief put into you that all anger is bad and you shouldn’t be angry ever. Then you control your anger all the time, keeping it bottled up, and then when something triggers a larger amount of anger, all the anger you bottled up over the last X amount of time gets compounded on top of the trigger for a truly strong rage.
I’m not a therapist. Like other people have already said, you should see one. I don’t know where you’re from, of course if you’re from the US this can be hard with money and all.
If you don’t mind me asking, if it is too private I understand, what’s your (rough) age and sex? What is and has been your parental situation? Have they not said anything about this/helped at all, or are you old enough that they’re out of the picture?