Computer Science. I didn’t even make it one month and my depression got so terrible, I could not even take in any information, and I didn’t have any motivation to do assignments. And my dumb ass was trying to get away from my parents so I signed up for campus housing (it was technically off-campus, but it’s owned by the university.) and by the first night, I got terrible anxiety attacks and I kinda got paranoid that people would murder me when I sleep (ya know, those news stories about murder in college, thats why I’m paranoid), so I couldn’t even sleep until 3AM the first night. Oh, did I mention I have to share a room with someone? Yea that kinds suck. And my first class was next day at like 9:10AM, and since I had practically no sleep, I woke up at like 8AM and felt anxious af and there’s no breakfast at the residence hall besides a vending machine so if I want to eat, I’d have to get to the campus. And I didn’t even know how the shuttle bus/vans even work and I downstairs at 8:30AM to wait for the shuttles. Then I got there at 8:55 so I thought: Hmm lets get some breakfast, and there’s nothing I liked so I just got some chips anyways, even though chips isn’t even real breakfast food. But then before I knew it, it was already like 9:07AM so i panicked and finished my bag of chips (2nd bag of chips btw) and rushed to the classroom (I don’t know why I always imagine those big lecture halls you about college in the media, but here its just classrooms) and got there like a few minutes late, it was the first day so professor didn’t even care. I felt a bit like: Did I just come late the first day? Fuuuuck!
So that’s my first day. Then it just goes downhill since I couldn’t adapt to the situation I had to go home on the second day of college, just to time out a bit, then I just got into a habit of sending weekends at home and only weekdays in the residence hall but I also go home on Tuesday or Wednesday night because I’m anious af. And I had to restart my antidepressants because it just keeps getting worse. And at one point I just got so sad I took my entire bottle of antidepressants, in my college apartment room. But like I didn’t get a reaction or anything, just felt a bit “high” for the next 24 hours, nobody even noticed, so like I didn’t go to a hospital or anything. This was like the second week. So by the first week of the second month of college, I couldn’t do it anymore. I missed so much assignments I couldn’t ever catch up. I wanna jump of a bridge. So I just told my mom about it and she “okayed” me pausing college. But the tuition couldn’t be refunded because it was a bit too late at that point so she was out like $8000 dollars (it was a state university, and I live in state) for the semester. So basically from that point on, I was a dissappointment to her. Every week she reminds me how I wasted her money. I mean I don’t think I can ever fix depression. I feel like depression made my IQ drop like 10 points. If college had an IQ test (thankfully they don’t) I probably wouldn’t be allowed to be re-admitted.
Anyways, I know people love to leave their parents as soon as they can. But you never know if you are actually capable of doing it until you try. I couldn’t even do it with all my expenses paid by my parents, I definitely wouldn’t be able to if I had to fund myself. The future just seems so bleak to me. Like I can’t even function as a human being.
Sorry for the wall of text… wait, did I just write an essay of my life story? Ahh… I wish I had this motivation when I was still in college.