My Story

**Wall of text incoming.**TL;DR - Love (and cannabis) can change the world

This isn’t something I’m proud of, but it’s important not to deny who we were, lest we lose sight of who we are.

I very recently had an awakening that started with self-reflection and has continued into what some might call spiritual enlightenment.

Go back a decade or so ago, and you’d see a version of me much closer to who I am today. Somewhere during that decade, I got heavily into conspiracy theories. This put me into a very negative space, as it caused me to see everything with a suspicious eye, always looking for deeper, hidden meaning and not just accepting the chaotic nature of reality.

Despite this, I found love. I became a husband and a father.

Then COVID hit and all my hair-brained theories and predictions started to come true, as far as I saw it.

The Internet started to shun people like me, putting us in the same group as bigots and far-right extremists. More proof I was always right. I was effectively forced out of Reddit and into far-right forums, as they were the only places not censoring the conspiracy theory content I wanted.

This pushed me into a much, much more negative space, as now I had my conspiracy theory discussions in the context of forums filled with bigots.

I spent nearly every waking minute in those forums, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos.

Even though I still considered myself liberal-minded, and even though every person in my life was a positive, progressive influence, I started to agree with those bigots in the forums. By the end of COVID lockdowns, I was a fully-fledged transphobe, believing that the wonderful societal progress we’ve seen these past few years was actually a conspiracy to weaken humanity in preparation for The Great Reset.

I couldn’t discuss my theories with the people in my life for fear they’d reject me. I began to alienate family and friends, removing the last few positive influences in my life, which only pushed me deeper into my delusions.

It took the indiscriminate love of strangers (and, admittedly, a lot of cannabis) to put me into the right state of mind to finally turn my overanalytical, cynical eye inward, and I didn’t like what I saw.

I went all-in on my first-ever Tarot reading, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos within, and I came out the other side a new man.

It took the unconditional love of a lifelong friend who’d recently come out as trans (and, again, a lot of cannabis) to bring me back into that receptive state of mind, and during a deep conversation with them, everything fell into place. I came out of that conversation a new nonbinary individual.

Now I look back to the person I was, and I barely recognize him. He was filled with hate, though he thought it was love. His mind was closed, though he thought it was open.

He was the worst version of me.

I can’t deny who I used to be. I can only learn from my mistakes and surround myself with the love of family, friends, even coworkers and strangers on the internet.

backhdlp,
@backhdlp@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

I read cannibalism like 3 times wth 💀

Eager,

I’m glad to hear that you’ve had such a positive shift in your perception of life and I’m curious to learn more about it if possible.

Could you go into more detail about your tarot reading and some of the important points of the deep conversation you had?

If someone is like how you were and is cisgender, do you think they could still have the same kind of awakening?

Do you still subscribe to any conspiracy theories?

BumpingFuglies, (edited )

I’m sorry, I can’t answer this just yet, but I didn’t wanna leave you hanging for two days. Tomorrow is a big day for me, and I don’t want to get back into the mindset it took to write all this until afterwards.

I guess I can answer a bit, actually: I see tomorrow as the last card in my first reading (we did two in a row): The World. I don’t know much about Tarot (yet - I’m slowly learning), but I gather The World represents birth/rebirth, new beginnings, things like that, and tomorrow is the first time I’ll be going out, meeting complete strangers, and making new connections as my true self.

I’ll get back to you once I’ve reentered the world.

BumpingFuglies, (edited )

Alrighty, I’m mostly done with my day with The World (which has been phenomenal and left me with feelings of love and acceptance, both by society (or the part I care about, anyway) and by myself). I’m ready to get into it.

Could you go into more detail about your tarot reading

As I mentioned in my first reply, my Tarot experience consisted of one reading immediately followed by another. The reader (is that the term?), a friend of my partner’s who was a stranger to me before that day, originally was going to give a reading to my partner’s other friend who was visiting, but they were too tired to get into it. The reader (I’m sticking with the term) lamented that they had a reading in them that needed to get out, so I tentatively offered myself. As we had just smoked a very large, powerful joint, I was in the right state of mind to be open enough to decide to go all-in and try to glean as much meaning as I could. I didn’t believe in Tarot, but I wanted to.

They asked me to look through the deck and see if any of the cards spoke to me. I did so, and was struck with a wave of emotion the instant I saw The Hermit. Tears immediately filled my eyes, and the reader put it down in front of me as the first card in my reading.

Following The Hermit was The Wheel, which I interpreted (incorrectly, though I wouldn’t realize until a later conversation with my lifelong friend) as me joining Lemmy, which I’d done a couple weeks prior. It felt right, as I was leaving my lurker past behind and actually participating in Lemmy.

The rest of the first reading is a blur, though I can say it was all Swords (a suit that, from what I know, has to do with quickness of thought and something that could be helpful or harmful) until the last card, which was The World.

The second reading was 100% Cups. The Knight followed by the Knave, then a bunch of numbers. Cups, from what I gather, are associated with emotions and change. I interpreted it all as a kind of four-dimensional picture of my life with my family. It spanned time from my child’s birth to far in the future, and it was a bit of a blueprint for how to ensure a happy, healthy life for me and my family. I rearranged the cards, as the reader told me positioning matters, and I accidentally created a spread (whatever that is).

After this, I was filled with hope for the future and myself. I wasn’t truly me yet, but I’d taken the first step, and I had a strong feeling that there was more to come. I thought constantly about my readings, trying to understand their meaning.

I should mention that the reader is an incredibly intuitive person, and was able to craft the experience to suit the way they could quickly tell my mind worked - logical and analytical. They’re also now one of my closest friends.

some of the important points of the deep conversation you had

It’s hard to be very specific about that conversation, though I can say that it was less of a conversation and more of a one-sided stream of consciousness as I started off telling my friend and their partner about my readings in as much detail as my less-than-sober brain could muster. I then made a joke about me being gender-nonconforming, and saying those words felt so right. So, as a dab a few minutes prior and my Tarot reading two days prior had put me into an open state of mind, I followed that feeling. My stream of consciousness continued, my friend and their partner only interjecting to offer support, and I gradually came to the conclusion that I didn’t feel any connection to any gender, aside from a tiny bit from being biologically male.

I realized I was nonbinary. And a new wave of pure joy washed over me, through me, and I was treading water, immersed in this feeling. My friend’s partner, who occasionally sees auras (when they’re strong), told me she saw a golden aura around my head. She told me this was strongly associated with spiritual enlightenment. And it sounds haughty, but that felt right. The feeling hasn’t gone away since then.

If someone is like how you were and is cisgender, do you think they could still have the same kind of awakening?

I believe no one is beyond redemption if they truly want to change. Even if I was cisgender, I still think my discussion with my friends would’ve led me to a similar awakening of spirit. The biggest hurdle is wanting to change.

It was my willingness to be open to the Tarot (augmented by a joint) that led me to understand that I had to change. It was my friends’ willingness to listen about my Tarot experience and that experience’s lasting effects on my openness of mind (augmented by a dab) that led me to my epiphany and subsequent transformation.

Additionally, my years-old experience with psilocybin had created a permanent crack in my emotional/spiritual armor, which I believe was essential to breaking through that first barrier of wanting to find meaning in Tarot. I’d felt something during my mushroom trip, and it remained in the back of my mind, reminding me that there’s something bigger than me I couldn’t perceive on my own. I cannot recommend magic mushrooms more highly for those looking to expand their minds. Just be sure to get a trusted chaperone if it’s your first time.

Honestly, there isn’t any one recipe for change that can work for everyone. The most important parts we all already know: be open-minded and open-hearted. These are two things that many people struggle to achieve simultaneously. It took great serendipity and love from both a modern-day shaman and my oldest friend for all the pieces to fall into place for me. Not everyone can be so lucky.

If I were to give any one piece of advice, it’d be to surround yourself with love and purge hate. My move to Lemmy meant I hadn’t been seeing nearly as much hateful content as before. My partner was there with me in the beginning of my Tarot reading, offering love and support and giving me the initial push to get started, though I actually was relieved when she left early on, as I was feeling that I couldn’t truly bare my soul to the reader with my partner present - after all, I didn’t want to say anything that could hurt her ('cause what relationship is 100% positive, especially with a negative guy like I was at the time?).

Do you still subscribe to any conspiracy theories?

A few do still make sense to me, but whether they’re true or not, they either have no impact on my life or I can’t have any impact on them, so I don’t really think about them or let them affect me anymore.

cosmicsoup,
@cosmicsoup@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

It takes a lot of strength to own up to your mistakes. I hope you’re proud of the positive changes you’ve made and how much growth you’ve achieved. 💜

BumpingFuglies,

Thank you for saying that. I’d like to say it was difficult, but honestly, thanks to all the love and support of my partner and my friends, the only tough part was opening myself up to change. Once it got started, it snowballed pretty quickly.

But yes, I am proud (but not too proud) that I found myself. I’m proud that I managed to find such a terrific, supportive partner even as I was beginning down my dark path all those years ago, that I somehow managed not to lose her even as I pushed her away. I’m proud of her and my friends for sticking with me through all the negativity, for having the patience not to give up on me.

And I’m proud of my tear ducts for not drying up after all this crying you just made me do! 😭💖

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