Right now I’m at a breaking point. I’ve been in therapy and medication which didn’t helped and I stopped them. I’ve also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I’m only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they’re way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we’re really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don’t burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don’t have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I’m going through since they have their own health issues now and they’re not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I’ve failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don’t enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me “in the game” is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.
At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can’t even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.
I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I’m almost 50.