Your safety comes first. That feeling of euphoria is what you deserve for your bravery and its worth living your life as your true self to feel these moments of euphoria. I think you really are trans, yeah. Not every trans peraon has super obvious trans moments in their childhood, and memory is also easily faulty. I think you may want to get in touch with the trans lifeline or the travor project. You wanna be talking to people who can help you keep this negativity at bay or open up the transition avenues to you.