eochaid

eochaid, 9 months ago

Serious.

If you are seriously annoyed by any of these things, then it should be a reminder of how unburdened and care free your life is that such a thing actually bugs you, and spark a sense of pride and contentment instead.

eochaid, 9 months ago

My problems aren’t anywhere near as bad as yours, but I’ll add my own complaints to comiserate at least.

My wife is a type 1 diabetic. I have a pre-diabetic A1C (type 2) that i inherited from my mom. My insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield) claims they cover preventative care. But they refuse to cover our regular A1C tests - it’s not preventative because they already know what you have. As a BCBS support person told me, if they’re throwing spaghetti at the wall, its preventative. If they’re aiming for a spot - it’s no longer considered “preventative”. So thats like $600 - $1000 a year. Chump change compared to many in this thread, I know.

Also, for some reason, they only offer coverage for one type of insulin - novolog - which happens to be the one insulin that causes my wife issues. She’s type-1, so her immune system killed her insulin production at around 5 years old. She’s dependent on insulin to survive and uses an insulin pump. Novalog is less effective than literally every other insulin for her - which means she has to take more - which means more risk of long term problems. This insulin also requires a pre-bolus (basically taking insulin) of 1-2 hours before every meal. That means every meal has to be preplanned and prepared for or she starts a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Humalog, aphidra, fiasp? All work more efficiently and within like 15-30 minutes.

The local HMO my work used before offered tiered options. We could pay a bit more for a better option. I would have no problem paying double to get her Humalog. BCBS says no. Novalog or pay out of pocket.

I have occasional headaches that start in the back of my neck that turn into bouts of depression followed by mania a few days later. My neurologist wanted to do a full MRI panel to look for issues. Insurance denies it - medically unnecessary. The neurologist appeals and they’re like “fine fine, but we’ll only cover the head, not the neck” even though the pain started from my neck. They don’t find anything in the head. So the neurologist says, “well unless you want to pay out of pocket, we can’t check the source so…assume it’s just migranes?”

Oh and by “cover”, I mean they paid a small part of it. It still cost me $1,500 to do the ones that were “covered”.

That’s a smattering of the interactions I’ve had with my insurance that I can remember right now.

My parents are retired and on medicare. They pay far less and get way better medical care than I do with one of the biggest private insurance chains in the country. Go figure.

eochaid, 9 months ago

I did.

My wife dropped Reddit but never adopted Lemmy, despite my attempts lol.

eochaid, 9 months ago (edited 9 months ago)

Nope, not true in the slightest. There’s actually a lot of variety in biomes, flora, fauna, characteristics - and a lot of them even have multiple biomes with different life per biome.

What i expect people are complaining about is one of two things:

1. Planet scanning is boring.
2. On noes generated dungeons

To the first point, I agree planet scanning gets pretty boring if that’s all you do for 5 hours straight. But there’s a TON of content in this game. Switch it up. Once you’re done with a mission, go explore the planet you ended up on and scan the things. Or don’t. Who cares. Planet scanning isn’t necessary at all. I think a lot of people see that planet scanning gives you a ton of credits and xp, go grind that one thing, and then complain that it’s boring.

On the second point, yes every planet will have a bunch of locations that are like “Cave” or “Covered Crater” or “Abandoned Facility” and such. A lot of them are small resource troves, but the facilities actually feel pretty handbuilt - if you check them out. But I think a lot of people see “Abandoned [whatever]” and think “oh autogenerated content, meh” without checking it out. I certainly have been guilty of that. But every time I actually decide to go in, I’m surprised at how much fun I actually have in those environments, how much environmental storytelling is actually there, and how well built the levels are. I feel like they hand built a bunch of these or components of them and an engine puts it all together.

The reality is that every Beth game ever has used procedural generation. And they’ve been getting better at it with each game. Skyrim felt less empty that Oblivion. Starfield feels less empty, overall anyway, than Skyrim. The handbuilt hub planets are way busier than any location in Skyrim. The procedural worlds feel more empty than skyrim for sure, but it makes plenty of sense, theres still plenty to do, and the amount of planets makes it feel less empty. And overall, there’s a LOT more handbuilt and story content than skyrim - by several factors imo.

I’ll also point out that the procedural content is just flavor. You don’t need to engage in it but it’s there if you want it. This game has a TON of handbuilt content - more than any other Beth game. The faction quests feel like a full game in their own right. The side quests are plentiful and quite deep. Complaining about procedural content in this game feels like complaining about the number of leaves on a tree.

eochaid, 9 months ago

I totally agree. I’m having a blast with this game. Imo, the best thing Beth has ever made (yeah, suck it Morrowind stans)

I think the problem is that this game has a bit of a slow burn. It took a bit for it to open up and make sense for me, more than most Beth games. I think over time the hate cycle will die down and people will get it on a steam sale and finally sink their teeth into it and after a couple of years it’s going to be as beloved as Skyrim is today.

eochaid, 9 months ago

What a wierd take, given that people STILL play Skyrim, Morrowind, and Fallout games in droves to this day. And that there are a ton of YouTubers that have made careers exclusively off of Beth lore and build videos and such.

Also given the post is about the game shifting to “mostly positive” on Steam. Which means the vast majority of reviews on steam are actually positive. And a lot of the negative reviews have to do with performance and technical issues, not the gameplay itself.

Also the fact that other “open world story-based shooters with rpg and crafting mechanics” are actually really popular - you know like Cyberpunk, or Mass Effect, or RDR2, or arguably, Jedi Survivor.

If you don’t like Beth games, that’s fine. They’re not for everyone. But it doesn’t mean your opinion is universal.

eochaid, 9 months ago

I get you, but this is how people are today - and the internet feeds it. We get a lot more positive feedback from negativity these days and the internet brings more people together which means there’s more chance for a spontaneous negativoty circlejerk. And honestly, it’s harder to be positive against the grain in such a situation than it is to join the circlejerk.

This behavior has nothing to do with Lemmy or Reddit or Mastodon or Twitter or whatever platform. Yes, each has a “culture” but those cultures are easily changed as more people join. And that’s the problem with Lemmy. What you remember is a smaller community with enthusiasm for a new platform. Over time, as Lemmy gets more people and the “newness” dies down, negativity will surface. The only difference between Lemmy and Reddit is the management and federation, the people are always going to be the same.

The only thing we can do is be the change we want. Create your own positive posts. Interject negative circlejerks with positivity. Run against the grain. What you’ll find is that, whilr you’ll get hate, people will come out of the wordwork to join in your positivity - but only once someone else does it first. Misery does love company, by positivity is infectious and sometimes needs a patient zero.

Think about your contributions to this goal. You saw a lack of positivity and your immediate response was to complain about it with this post. You’re feeding the thing you hate with this very post. If, instead, you had posted something positive, then you’d be woking towards a more positive Lemmy. But instead, this post is pulling it down and forcing everyone to wallow in the very negativity you think is destroying Lemmy.

Now, of course you did it because it’s a much easier way to force a conversation. You see a problem, you want to talk about the problem. But that’s exactly why you see more negativity. It’s way easier to see and react to the negative than to react with positivity. And that’s why no matter what platform you’re on, you’re always going to have this issue.

The best anti-war stories are those that are set during peacetime, because they show the alternative, rather than glorifying the violence of war. At the same time, you cannot fight negativity with negativity.

If you want Lemmy to be a more positive environment, you’ll need to add some positivity of your own. But I promise you, your investment will pay dividends. People will come out of the woodwork to join in whatever positive message you put out. Sure, you’ll have haters, but others will defend you. You just have to start the ball running.

eochaid, 9 months ago

No. Not at all.

Honestly, I hated the wire part of my wired headphones for years. I tend to listen to things while I’m doing chores around the house and I can’t tell you the amount of times the cable caught on something and sent my earbuds or my phone careening to the floor. Or was forced to untangle myself from a door knob. Or forgot I had earbuds on and stood up from my desk only to throw my phone to the ground.

I went on a bit of a journey with bt headphones but eventually got a pair of Sony Linkbuds and a $30 Bluetooth thingy for my car that plugs into the aux jack, and never looked back. Every other day I plug the case in on my nightstand along with my phone. Nbd. Linkbuds don’t have the best sound quality I’ve ever experienced in BT buds, but the comfort wins over all others.

I also recently got a pair of PineBuds Pro for $70 and man that battery case is legit. I only have to charge that beast once a week. Just waiting on someone to release a better sound profile for those things because they are BAASSSY. But beyond the bass, the potential sound quality is actually quite good. I’m looking forward to what the pine64 community does with these.

I’ll also say that I have audiophile hearing (I’ve been tested) and I absolutely hear the difference in sound quality using BT and a good set of cans - when it comes to earbuds, the difference is negligible between wired and wireless. Given that 1. I’m more often listening to words than music from my phone and 2. The convenience, I’ll go for wireless more often than not if given the option. Plus, outside of niche phones and defunct LG phones, I never saw a headphone jack that could properly drive a good set of cans. There are way more output devices I would choose over a phone to drive high quality audio.

That all said, do I think manufacturers should remove the headphone jack? No. Apple did it to sell more airpods. Everyone else did it to save a nickle on their costs. Just because I don’t use it doesn’t mean it should go away. If anything, there’s an accessibility element. BT buds are expensive. USB-C / Lightning buds are expensive. Aux buds are cheap. And wired buds are the easiest and cheapest way for someone to get audio out of a phone or talk on the phobe without fucking holding it in the air to broadcast their conversation to the world. And for that reason, I think the jack should ABSOLUTELY come back.

eochaid, 9 months ago (edited 9 months ago)

The movies did Faramir dirty.

In the books, he immediately rejects the temptation of the ring after Frodo tells him of Boromir’s temptation, saying that a thing of the dark lord should not be used - thus proving how much stronger and wiser he was than his brother.

Faramir is one of my favorite characters in the books - a black sheep that represents hope for humanity after a book and a half of being shown humanity’s failures. And he’s such a badass in RotK

Peter Jackson weakened his character because of pacing and because he didn’t understand that stories need occasional bright spots of hope and it’s of the greatest sins of the movies IMO. Which is even more rediculous when you realize that Tolkien based the character on himself.

eochaid, 9 months ago

My wife, a couple friends, and I have all put a ton of hours into this game and absolutely love it. I put several hours into the shipbuilder alone. Every hand built sidequest I run into feels like a TNG episode. And I love the kinda Becky Chambers / Star Trek-style utopia with mystery and drama theme they’ve got.

This is the most Bethesda game they’ve ever made, for better of worse. It doesn’t hand hold you. There are plenty of times where I’ve looked at my quest log, found nothing i could do except the main quest, and then decided just to jump to a random system - only to get pulled into some crazy new adventure for a couple hours. You’re supposed to be an explorer, if you put even the smallest effort into exploring, you will be rewarded.

A lot of people complaining were never going to like this game or any Bethesda game and I don’t know what to do with those people. The amount of constant negativity on the internet makes me really appreciate stories like TNG and writers like Becky Chambers and Cory Doctorow, because they’re so positive and affirming and optimistic and when they criticise, they also offer solutions. And this game really scratches that itch for me.

And after almost 40 years of life dealing with the constsnt cycle of negativity and hatred and anger and frustration and drama, on the internet, a global scale, and in my own life…I’m just tired. I can’t play games with “edgy dark stories” anymore. I can’t go back to New Vegas because its bummer after bummer. And i know a lot of people thrive on that “scortched earth” bullshit but I just can’t anymore.

I just…wanna sit down and play a game. And maybe one where everything is okay for once. And this is that game for me.

eochaid, 9 months ago

And you stanning Cyberpunk and No Man’s Sky as polished games is hilarious to me.

It took several years of fixing No Man’s Sky before it was anything more than a boring tech demo. Cyberpunk took years of bug fixes and a popular anime to break people out of the hate circlejerk and actually experience the fucking game. Starfield hasn’t even officially released yet. People need to chill the fuck out.

Also what are you talking about with “the engine is showing it’s age?”. This is a brand new fucking engine. I’m playing the game on my Xbox in 4k and it looks better than anything I’ve played this year.

eochaid, 9 months ago

I agree totally.

I don’t get people stanning NMS over Starfield. I mean No Man’s Sky is alright as a tech demo sandbox but even with the latest update, I get bored so quickly. Even the stations and civilization hubs feel dead, the plot is just so haphazard and slapdash. Starfield feels so much more cohesive and…has actual characters. But they’re also just very different games. Starfield is heavier on story content and NMS is heavier on procedural generation.

I loved Cyberpunk’s story but I’ve found very little reason to come back outside of the main plot. GTA5 was a technical achievement under sweatshop conditions and while I hated the story, the world felt alive and full of things to do and places to explore. Cyberpunk feels like GTA if it was made with half the team and with one less year of development (because it was).

eochaid, 9 months ago

If you like Bethesda games, you’re gonna like this one. If you don’t like Bethesda games, you’re not going to like this one. I don’t know what else to tell you, bud.

Don’t mistake the bitching of a vocal minority of lemmy/reddit posters and YouTube influencers (who bitch primarily for clicks) as “everyone”. There are actually a lot of people who like these games - myself included - and a lot of them aren’t on any sort of social media. I loved vanilla Oblivion, Fallout 3, Skyrim, and Fallout 4 and love modded versions even more. I’m having a blast with vanilla Starfield right now - easily dozens of hours over the long weekend. And I’ll probably love modded Starfield even more as well.

eochaid, 9 months ago

For those scoffing at the title - the author substitutes eggs for tofu chips and has instructions for doing so.

Seems wierd they left the “egg” in the title if it’s vegan and doesn’t have eggs

eochaid, 9 months ago (edited 9 months ago)

obviously

“Vegan Tomato Egg Stir Fry” is not the same as “Vegan Egg”

Fuck me for trying to clarify for those not familiar with the terminology.

eochaid, 9 months ago

I know writers that were inspired by Chuck Tingle to right their own romance novels.

This man is having the time of his life and I am all for it.

eochaid, 10 months ago

She wants the scared and amazed face? I don’t get it.

eochaid, 10 months ago

And you normally put your dick in the external hard drive?

eochaid, 10 months ago

I couldn’t give two shits about a fucking icon.

eochaid, 10 months ago

And she saw some shit on her own as well.

Plus she’s a godsdamned empath. How did SHE not go insane?

eochaid, 10 months ago

This is why I feel Becky Chambers should be the future of Sci-Fi.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Best sleep I’ve ever had in my life.

eochaid, 10 months ago

No time for distrowars

…says the guy that makes a meme shitting on users of every other distro.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Pretty sure this isn’t that controversial of an opinion. Pretty sure any economist that disagrees with you is a shit economist. There’s a reason there’s a related field called “socioeconomics”

Also fuck this meme format. Stop using this facist for memes.

eochaid, 10 months ago

I write simple explanations in english because developers can only write simple instructions in code.

eochaid, 10 months ago

1& 2: These are the kinds of things that appeal to people with OCD and enthusiasts with more time than work to do. And for the former, more customization can be destructive to productivity. Most people just want to sit down and either get work done or get their game open - not sit for hours customizing the interface.

I rarely ever use my taskbar and start menu on Windows because I can hit the start key and type to find the thing I want. Linux can do that too, but you’re focusing instead on finnicky customization. Most people have a cluttered desktop for a reason - nobody cares or has the time to properly organize their shit. I would suggest focusing on the real performance and productivity benefits of Linux.

3: The only people that care about telemetry are those that already hate Microsoft and already use Linux. Most Windows users couldn’t give two shits that Microsoft uses their anomymized usage data to fix bugs and evaluate feature adoption. Also, the only way to avoid telemetry is if the only servers you ever access are in your basement.

4: I agree that Windows is really obnoxious about the bullshit they’re putting on even base Windows install, but it takes me like 5 minutes to go through add/remove programs. You know what takes me longer than 5 minutes? Getting any non-standard hardware working on Linux, and even some software, and often because the base OS is missing something or has some box unchecked because a FOSS enthusiast has opinions.

5: Not enough people are aware of the fantastic set of freeware MS makes called PowerToys. PowerRenamer actually handles this gap for me. I feel like it should be included with windows but alas, some people would probably consider it “bloatware”.

6: MS certainly has issues in this regard, but I’m curious to know how Linux Mint actually faires. Consumer-focused distros tend to benefit from their low adoption rate and don’t get hammered by attacks like Windows and RHEL derivatives do. But I’ll freely agree that most Linux distros tend to be more secure by default. That said, does it really matter to the average Windows user? No it doesn’t. Because the biggest security issue for both Windows and Linux is actually the user - not an OS flaw. Even a default Windows environment is normally secure enough for most users.

eochaid, 10 months ago (edited 10 months ago)

I see this shit every day. You know why? User base.

Linux doesn’t have to worry about grandma using it. The vast majority of the Linux user base is technologically adept humans that know not to remove the bootloader.

But you know for a fact that grandmas were trolled into or accidentally removed system files so often that Microsoft did something about it.

Also note, Chromebooks - which use a Linux adjacent os that is marketed to a wide audience including kids and the elderly - doesn’t let you do shit to system files. Android and Steam Deck are also highly locked down.

The point is its a wierd flex to say that linux gives sudo users the power to break your system when its really just saying your os is too niche to have to worry about grandma.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Me at 21 vs Me in my late 30s after my equilibrium dies and over 10 years of office/tech sector work without changing my 20-something diet - after changing my diet to rabbit food and adding exercise, yoga, and regular hiking trips and finally managing to lose some of the initial weight gain.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Whoops…yes. But to be fair, my equilibrium sucks too.

eochaid, 10 months ago

No.

eochaid, 10 months ago (edited 10 months ago)

Enough with the fan wars. Let’s be perfectly honest for once. Windows, Linux, MacOS - they all suck. Sometimes in similar ways, sometimes in different ways. But they all suck.

Windows users - I get you, you use it because it sorta works 40%, of the time and sucks in the way you understand.

Linux users - I get you, you know all of the arcane incantations you need to quickly install, update, and troubleshoot your os in a terminal window. It works - once you apply your custom bash script that applies every change you need to get everything exactly how you like it. But again, it sucks in the way you understand.

MacOS users - well I don’t really get you. You know what you’ve done.

We deserve better than this, guys. We deserve an os that just works, is easy to use, easy to configure, doesn’t require an IT degree to use, and that we can recommend to our grandma without a second thought.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Okay, this quote from the Wikipedia page made me laugh.

TempleOS received mostly “sympathetic” reviews. Tech journalist David Cassel opined that “programming websites tried to find the necessary patience and understanding to accommodate Davis”.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Uh huh.

please reconsider your priorities

Ngl, I laughed pretty hard when I saw that you ended your giant rant with this line.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Nah.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Except that there’s a ton of actual competition in the screwdriver market that has forced innovation and improved screwdriver functionality that it is essentially “solved”.

Even cheap screwdrivers are easy to use and will do the job, they just might break after a few years. Expensive screwdrivers add extra features and are built to a higher quality. You can absolutely look up reviews and find “the best” screwdriver.

You also don’t need to learn to use a screwdriver. They’re all built to be self explanatory. If they have advanced features that need explaining, they’ll include a manual that explains each feature at a high school reading level because that’s their target market.

Also, there is no locked in loyalty to screwdriver brands. If a brand releases a shit driver, they’ll get roasted. If a new contender puts out a screwdriver that’s better than the rest, tradespeople will flock to it.

I would love it for OSes to be treated like screwdrivers are.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Yeah it was just a joke because I love to piss off the MacOS guys. But its like a brotherly teasing. Like, I love you guys, but I gotta rib you, you know.

I think Apple’s biggest sin is that everything works as long as all of your hardware, software, and co-workers have an apple emblazoned on their back. But the moment you have to work with anything or anyone that doesnt use Apple, you have problems. And Apple seems to encourage this because it gets their users to dread working with Windows or Linux users.

The sad thing is that I like a lot of their software. But using their OS is like having Steve Jobs standing over your shoulder and smacking you on the head when you try to shift outside of their intended workflow. I keep running into situations where Windows and Linux would let me go left or right (after finding a hidden and misnamed switch or running a well researched and crafted bash command), and MacOS just put a roadblock on the left because fuck you we said no.

I know that my ideal of a perfect OS is unrealistic. MacOS is more stable because it’s more rigid. Windows and Linux prove that the more flexible you are, the harder it is to use. But settling for one option and looking down at everyone who chose different isn’t going to help. We should all keep criticising our chosen option and root for others that are criticising their own. Because it seems like Apple, Microsoft, and the Open Source community are all in a rut, safely ignoring basic fucking usage issues because of an implicit assumption that their user base isn’t going anywhere.

I live in a mixed OS household. My wife and I both use windows and Apple machines for various purposes (my wife’s work requires both, my mac is just for dabbling) and I have some linux boxes for streaming or storage or whatever. And while that gives me the benefits of all three, I also have to deal with the problems of all three. And its a lot, guys. Not to mention they all refuse to work together.

eochaid, 10 months ago

No that’s fair. It just assumes that everything you’ll ever need is on a browser, which in the case of grandparents, is probably true.

I would just um…never tell them about the Android app store because that can get real messy real quick.

eochaid, 10 months ago

I guarantee you’ve had “problems” but you’re so used to Windows now that you have the muscle memory to deal with it without thinking much about it.

Using all three in my household kinda highlighted for me how much I was just ignoring or working around the ugliness of Windows every single day.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Just use a PC, where “act on thing” can be one of 57 possible letters and/or combinations.

eochaid, 10 months ago

…and hundreds or thousands of dollars of equipment and the knowhow to use them without setting your house on fire.

That all said, beautiful ring.

eochaid, 10 months ago

It also helps that she’s a pornstar and can fake an orgasm like nobodies businesa.

eochaid, 10 months ago (edited 10 months ago)

This video confirms what I’ve thought for a long time. The biggest problem with Linus Tech Tips is Linus.

And the fact that the video even declares that it took Yvonne to put her foot down before any changes could take place confirms that LTT has a cult of personality that is damaging the brand and the team. And keeping Linus as a CVO isn’t going to change that.

And of course, Madison’s accusations bring a whole new layer to the drama. A layer that should have been more obvious to me given that the only woman on that video was Linus’ wife.

Also, anyone else find it funny that Gary Key made yet another mistake in this video - that Linus was the one that talked about testing every video - and not Gary’s own fucking team member? Also his little “I dont agree with EVERY criticism” was a bit too petulant and defensive for this video. Come on…

eochaid, 10 months ago (edited 10 months ago)

Honestly, I couldn’t quite simpatize with her. She complains they were giving her too much to do?

Unless you fully understand the effort involved in her reported daily and weekly quotas, you aren’t qualified to make an opinion on them. But what might make more sense to you is that LTT currently has a full team dedicated to what she was expected to do by herself.

The biggest issue for me was her reports of a toxic work environment. When she would bring up concerns about her workload, they’d respond by insulting her and threatening her job. She even saw an instance where a coworker felt she was sexually harassed and Linus yelled at and berated her for being an idiot.

My guess is that Linus is the owner and works like one, and wants everyone else to work as much as him.

This is exactly the kind of boss that creates a toxic work environment. A good boss should be respectful of each employee’s strengths and limitations and foster an environment where everyone can contribute meaningfully without feeling unduely overburdened.

A good boss encourages a healthy work/life balance.

Yes, Linus is a workaholic. His work ethic is unhealthy. He has publicly acknowledged this on WAN show numerous times. If he expects his employees to work as hard as he does, then he is knowingly fostering an unhealthy work environment.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Here’s the video. Steve says its pretty concisely: youtu.be/FGW3TPytTjc

eochaid, 10 months ago

At a certain point, the sheer amount of fan housing mass is blocking air flow more than anything else.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Also Firefox mobile already supports (a tiny limited subset of) extensions. And the version before their big UI overhaul supported extensions from the add-on store - although it would be unusable if you loaded up too many.

The big change is that the new shinier faster version of Firefox will now support their new desktop extension platform - and probably run them much more efficiently.

Pretty sure the person who wrote this headline only ever used Chrome mobile.

eochaid, 10 months ago

As a married cis man moving towards his 40s, I can only confirm from my perspective that the male-to-male friendship experience seems broken.

First of all, in college I learned about the performative nature of gender and that gave me the tools I needed to push back against social pressure. I wear what’s comfortable, I try to be considate towards others, I talk about emotions, and I do what sounds fun without a care about whether it makes me “feminine” or “gay”. I feel that pushing against gender performance expectations has made me a better and fulfilled person.

But male-male friendships are still really hard, and I don’t get it. I’ve lost all of mine, for various reasons. Some of us got busy with careers, families, or whatever other reason. I’ve reached out now, multiple times, over the last few years, to old male friends and coworkers that I worked with for 5+ years.

The conversation starts with a list of accomplishments. I congratulate them, so glad they’re doing well. We’re both pretty happy in careers too.

I ask how they’re doing, what do they do for fun, you still with that same girl? Fine. Same old. Uh huh.

I suggest that maybe we should do something sometime. Play disc golf. Play some games. Hang out. Meet somewhere. Bring your kids if you want, I’d love to meet them…and at this point they get distant and eventually ghost me.

After a few instances of this, I started to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Maybe they didn’t like me. Maybe I said something wrong. But there was one other instance. A woman I worked with for like 9 months. I called her once to ask for a job reference. And we ended up talking for an hour about our lives, our SOs, life goals etc. Before I could ask, she ended up suggesting that hang out and bring our SOs.

The only male friends I have right now are the male SOs of female friends or my wife’s girl friends.

Some of the most fulfilling friend groups we’ve had since were groups with LGBT and NB folks. And I think that’s because, even though gender performance is absolutely an important thing in these groups, there’s less pressure for us, a cis couple, to “perform” in a certain way. Our conversations are more real and liberated. It’s less anxious and competitive. But at the same time, those friendships eventually end because I don’t they can really connect with us - like, we’re still outsiders and so there’s a bit of a block. I understand, but it sucks.

Because we try to connect with cis men, or even couples, in our area, we either get standoffishness or competitions. Like, we’re getting evaluated for our performance of gender / society / life expectations. My wife and I have careers, no kids, and we’re fine, but we’re also trying to explore who we are outside that. And new cis friendships at our age seems to be less about connecting and doing fun things and more about bragging about accomplishments or complaining about the lack of them over coffee.

And its so hard to find any cis men that are just fucking chill and maybe tired of all the anxiety and social pressure around masculinity and just willing to be a person rather than a “man”.

eochaid, 10 months ago

Friend. Compatriot. Denizen of the internet. Thank you for reaching out, for telling me your story. But yours is an example of one of the many attitudes in men that frustrate me to no end and keep us all lonely.

You are not lonely because of your problems. Instead, you’re allowing your problems to excuse your lonliness.

Listen to yourself, “folks like me are just destined to be forever alone”. No you’re not. If everyone who said that on the internet decided to get together, we’d have conventions that rival comic con. It’s not impossible, you can overcome it, and you deserve to have a social life.

I get it. It’s hard. I’ve been there. I am also an introvert that suffers from social anxiety disorder. It takes a monumental effort and a lot of mental gymnastics for me to put myself in social situations. But I force myself into uncomfortable situations because I know it is good for me.

So enough berating you. What do you do?

In regards to finding a partner, my best advice is to work on yourself first. Women typically don’t care that much about physical appearance but they also don’t want to dive into a depressive spiral. A codependent man is an unattractive man. Work on the things you don’t like about yourself. And once you are happier and a little more sure of yourself, love will come naturally.

My best advice is to get a therapist. I’m fucking serious. Because when you are working on yourself, no matter how mentally healthy you are, you will get yourself in ruts that block any progress. And a therapist has the tools to get you out of it. But also because you can tell them your goal (have a social life) and your blocks (introvert, etc.) and then they can help you craft a plan. They’re like a personal trainer for your brain.

“A therapist is expensive” - not necessarily. Talk to your primary care doctor. Tell them you’d like to talk to a therapist. They will give you a referral and your insurance will cover part of it, guaranteed. If it’s still too expensive, use a service like Betterhelp. They’re not perfect, but it’s better than nothing. Regardless, get a THERAPIST not a psychologist. A psychologist can prescribe drugs and you don’t need that until your therapist suggests it.

But most men won’t take that advice no matter what I say. So the only other advice I can offer is to do the work. Look for local events or get togethers in your area. Look for sub to Lemmy / Reddit groups dedicated to your town or area. Look for Discord groups local to your region. Look for book clubs or crafting groups. And look beyond your typical interests. You never know, you might find a new hobby and new friends.

Then, go to events / get togethers. Force yourself to talk to people. Be uncomfortable. Truly. It’ll suck at first but people will respond if you engage - remember that people are there because they want to meet people. Awkwardness is totally okay.

Regardless, every time you’re tempted to say “folks like me are destined to be forever alone” replace that with “I have decided to be forever alone.” Come on man, you can do it. I believe you can. You deserve a social life.