Elder Punk. Cancer survivor. Zero Covid. Autistic & Autigender. she/they

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theautisticcoach, to actuallyautistic
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Do my #ActuallyAutistic comrades have difficulties with tying their shoes?

If so, you're not alone.

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Yes, my shoes were always coming untied when I was a kid.

Then a friend told me he thought maybe I had watched my mother tie my shoes too closely and mimicked her too exactly, so actually I learned to tie them upside down. Because of course my mother was facing me (inward) when she tied them, and I am facing the other direction (outward) when I tie them.

Since then, I have tied them “upside down” to my perspective, and it works! They stay tied. It feels wrong but it works.

VeeRat, to actuallyautistic
@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

I told my mother that I am Autistic. I am in my 50s, she is in her 70s. I had not wanted to talk about it with her for a very long time now, because she tends to believe that anything like that is caused by her being a "bad mother"; she bought into that hype from a long time ago, and never let it go.

I got the expected response. She said that she doesn't think I'm Autistic, because she bases her knowledge of Autism on the people who make the news due to NT people thinking they are gifted or strange, and on movie characters like Rain Man. She said it's ok that I investigate Autism "if it makes you feel better". Not that I was asking her permission.

Then when I was listing behaviors of mine that I attribute to Autism, she said, "I do those things too." I said, "yeah, it is hereditary...". But she would never investigate it about herself. She could never accept the label for herself, or for me.

I don't know why I try. I guess I do find some peace with myself having told her, because I felt bad talking about it so much with other family members, without her knowing. I still don't feel the need to talk with her about my cPTSD from childhood; I know I won't get a good response to that.

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@punishmenthurts @actuallyautistic Definitely, she's not wrong that she could have done things better. But she is wrong to believe that this is the cause of my Autism. Her parenting was part of the cause of my childhood trauma, and enough of a cause that I still think I would get a poor response if I tried to talk with her about that.

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@Cetraria @actuallyautistic yeah, I wasn’t sure what the response would be exactly. I was misdiagnosed for many years with bipolar, which we assumed was likely on my father’s side. She was fine when I used to talk about that, I think because she didn’t feel like she was to blame. I guess Autism is harder for her to accept because of her assumptions.

Definitely do what makes sense for you. I thought that I might avoid some drama by telling her.

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@actuallyautistic @Cetraria Oh yeah, definitely. I know she had a lot of struggles, so I have mixed feelings about my childhood. I don’t think she was malicious, but what she went through affected how she parented. And if I try to talk about my feelings, she always brings it back to her feelings.

VeeRat, to actuallyautistic
@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

I'm so grateful for everyone here who suggested books on Autism by Devon Price PhD. They have helped me immensely. Thank you all.

The more I learn about Autism, the more I am learning about myself, and the more I am feeling comfortable with myself. It's a great feeling.

I wish I'd had better support for Autism much earlier in life. But I'm glad to be discovering it now.

StrassenKatze, to actuallyautistic
@StrassenKatze@universeodon.com avatar

I am feeling called out by the top half of this @actuallyautistic

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@StrassenKatze @actuallyautistic It can be great though when I get into a personal story sharing session with someone else who is not NT, and we go back and forth sharing our own stories and relating to each other. Probably would be confusing to an NT person.

russellmcormond, to actuallyautistic
@russellmcormond@fosstodon.org avatar

Asking @actuallyautistic

We have all heard the phrase: "You are either with us, or against us".

I've observed for many people, given that choice, they will not want to be perceived as against anyone so will claim they are "with".

I don't believe very many real-world scenarios are binary, so I see this as a logical fallacy https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/black-or-white .

If forced into that binary, I will always say "against" given I reject the question itself.

Is that an thing, or is that just me?

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@russellmcormond @actuallyautistic I agree with you. I will often try to explain the nuance, even though usually this ends up being pointless.

StevenSaus, to actuallyautistic
@StevenSaus@faithcollapsing.com avatar

How do you tell the difference between reactions you have because you're neurospicy and the reactions you have from past trauma? (Let alone where they overlap!)

(I'm talking more behavioral than sensory here, things akin to rejection sensitivity, etc)

@actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@StevenSaus @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd A lot of it overlaps for me. For an example, I have repeatedly prepared to make major life changes. I don’t even want to actually make the change most of the time, it just feels like I need to prepare. And then sometimes the preparation brings about the change because I can’t change the path I have put myself on. It took me a long time to realize this is due to changes made to my life during childhood that I had no control over. My autism made my reaction to these changes much worse, and caused them to be much more traumatic. My behavior as an adult has been an attempt to control life changes by preparing for things to happen, even when they weren’t going to. This is a trauma response to events in my childhood that were amplified by my autism. I have a lot of examples like this, where they overlap or one amplifies the other. #ActuallyAutistic

VeeRat, to actuallyautistic
@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

h/t @chu

Study linking poor clearance of BPA with Autism and ADHD. They are not claiming that this is a cause, though there is some speculation in this article.

“The research found that kids with ASD and ADHD couldn't clear out BPA and another similar compound called Diethylhexyl Phthalate (DEHP) with as much efficiency as other kids, potentially leading to longer exposure to their toxic effects.”



@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@chu @morten_skaaning @servelan @actuallyautistic Yes, I think it’s useful for that reason, to understand that there’s something physically different about people (kids, at least) who are autistic or ADHD. I don’t like the implications that the article makes about root causes, but the basic study result of a physical difference is interesting.

neurotraveler, to actuallyautistic
@neurotraveler@neurodifferent.me avatar

@actuallyautistic Filed under,

don't move my stuff

Expectation that my things will remain where I keep them.

Does anyone else have a tendency to get really frustrated and upset when something you keep in a certain location is moved randomly by someone else? And you look everywhere, and can't find it? And the more you look, and as you realize it's not turning up, and you just can't find it, a feeling of utter calamity and dismay, of catastrophic sense of "the universe is no longer the same" sets in.

I really can go into a highly upset state of mind. Some would no doubt call this a meltdown.

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@actuallyautistic @neurotraveler Yes, and it actually makes it hard for me to clean the house, because I don’t think I should move anything that my husband has set down. But he’s hoping that I can find places for things! It’s so hard for me to understand that someone else would want their things moved!

autism101, to actuallyautistic

Some autistic people find making phone calls extremely stressful and unpleasant and will avoid them at all costs.

Please don’t try and force your communication preferences on others.

image: anon

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@actuallyautistic @autism101 I am ok making phone calls, though I had to become accustomed to it. I have always been the partner or roommate who was the best at being able to do it, so I have made a lot of calls on behalf of other people. At some point, I just decided to accept that I come across as a bit odd to whoever receives my calls, and that they would just have to deal with me.

Somehow, it’s always been a little easier to be on work calls than personal calls. It’s the same with cleaning or paper filing, or any other task that I do both at work and home, it’s always easier when it’s part of my job to do.

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic I can hyper focus on job tasks, like writing code or manually working on an Excel spreadsheet. I get upset when it’s lunchtime and I need to go eat, even though it means I can stop working for my break time, and I’m losing free time if I work into my break. Stopping when I’m focused is upsetting.

But writing code and working on spreadsheets are not special interests. I only do those things as part of my job. Ask me about the game The Binding of Isaac though, I will tell you what each of the hundreds of items in that game does, and you’ll have trouble getting me to change the subject. 😊

@VeeRat@zeroes.ca avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic When people say they are ready to go home from a social gathering, they don’t leave right then. Usually it takes them another 20 minutes or so to actually leave. And they think I’m rude if I leave right away, when I say I’m leaving. They seem to want some additional small talk before I go, but when I’m ready to leave there’s no way I can manage small talk.

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