Tim_McTuffty

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 25 Thursday 23/11/23

TL:DR I need a bright sunny day please Mr. Weatherman! ; I have been too long without a close friend , now I have one my inner child is reluctant to share them with others & has been sent to the naughty step to reconsider this opinion! ; I was struck by how much further I still have to go!

A grey & grisly day today, with that horrible cold rain that is just heavy enough to make walking really unpleasant , so me being the big wuss that I am decided that dryness was the better side of valour & stayed in.

Mrs Squirrel was out & about again today, it really seems that currently being on my own is fairly calming & helps me relax.

My bestie was out & about all over the place helping her parents so that kinda put the kibosh on gaming & or chatting with her for most of the day, but that is my selfish side talking, I am one of many friends she has & I need to remember that when I am disappointed that she is otherwise engaged !
Yes I am that distanced for socialising, I have been a virtual hermit for something like 5 years , the whole having close friends who wanna spend time with me is a bit of a novel experience !
I did sort out my EA online account , it took some major tinkering & the creation of a new email account , but we got there in the end !
Next time she wants a gaming session we can try ‘It takes 2’ together ! Huzzah !

Managed to catch up with my friend last thing before she went to bed, a brief laugh with her then good night. 😊

No news on the DA referral front but then I wasn’t really expecting any just yet .

Final Thoughts:
Hey getting this out a little earlier as I’ve actually started to do bits thru the day!

SAD & agoraphobia are still big things, the weather today just reinforced my current disinclination to leave the house. Well I honestly didn’t think things would be resolved overnight !

I have found an ND friend who understands a lot of what I am facing & allows me to help them as much as I can with the problems they face thru their autism & ADHD .
I have other close friends online but I feel too nervous to engage with them to the same extent as they are NT & I feel (possibly incorrectly) that they will find me too strange or too shy, 3 people have blocked me for being too me I guess, this discourages me from getting too close.

As with everyone life is a mix of light & darkness , I am fortunate that my ASD journey is allowing more light in & making the darkness less frightening!

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 24 Wednesday 22/11/23

TL:DR Back to War & Peace I’m afraid Kevin 😆 ; Busy days , with good outcomes help to motivate me to dig myself out of this cycle of depression & ill health! ; EA are a pain in the bum!; Nuggan bless the Besties of this world!

My days are stupidly busy at the moment , which is really good, as on the whole I am enjoying the activities that are taking up my day.

However it is meaning that squeezing time in to do everything I want to is getting challenging!

Getting up at 4am is taking some getting used to, or rather , as I said yesterday, getting to bed on time is taking some getting used to - “I’ll just read that last toot” is the sticking point at the moment 😂

I like getting up so early, I say getting up , its currently waking up & catching up with my bestie then getting out of bed when Mrs Squirrel stirs. The early morning is quiet & peaceful, there is no stress, little urgency & almost total silence .

I tooted about Project WOOF (War On Our Flab!) the other day, & I made a massive step (or number of steps) towards getting this properly underway today.
I voluntarily, with very little persuasion from my bestie , went for a walk !
Agoraphobia conquered for the day ✅
Fresh air breathed ✅
9000+ steps ✅ ✅
Didn’t die of exhaustion ✅

I think I was out for about an hour , & walked about 75% of the way up the highest hill in the valley!
i am very pleased with this !

Got home to find that, even though certain peeps were working from home ,washing dishes was not on the agenda . Hey ho.

Rediscovered that I am totally OCD about stuff going back in the right place in the kitchen , not in fact the nearest resting place in to the dishwasher!
Trigger triggered ☑️
Trigger recognised & frustration channeled into productive activity ✅

So the plan after lunch was to get some gaming time in on ‘It Takes 2’ with CDP 🧚‍♀️
However the Universe had other plans.
EA online account - ‘password has expired , please reset’
Old email a/c
30 minutes of trying to get said email account accessed = fail!
Ok setup new EA account - ok
Link new EA account/c to PSN = FAIL - PSN already linked to an existing account !
Happily no solid objects close enough to the recliner to allow banging head to the point of unconsciousness !
Meanwhile CDP 🧚‍♀️ is on the PSN party chat wondering if her friendly neighbourhood Squirrel doesn’t need a zimmer frame attached to his game controller !
Her mate Mel, joins in the general disbelief in the computing abilities of someone who used to configure Mainframes for a living !
In the end I admitted defeat & we played ‘Man of Medan’ for a couple of hours.

Then a few hours of catching up on here interspersed with the evenings repast & a bit of banal TV that Mrs Squirrel likes & is boring enuf for me to keep a casual eye on but still socialise on Mastodon.

Final Thoughts:
I need a schedule !
I need to put the devices to bed at 21:30 not 22:00 because otherwise I’m losing a critical ½ hours sleep!
I need to update my email addresses when I bin off old email a/cs !

I am slowly coming to terms with being autistic, (please Nuggan the Diagnostic Assessment agrees ! )
In doing so I am starting to tackle some long term problems & ,whilst there is still a way to go, conquering the Agoraphobia & the whole not liking to talk to folk on the phone !
Having a bestie to support & be supported by is awesome !
When the PS5 dies I’m getting a ES/9000 or current equivalent , I can’t cope with these tiny computers !! 😂 - Erm does anyone know of a cheap datacentre somewhere ? 😜😂

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 23 Tuesday 21/11/23

TL:DR A much better day than expected , largely due to the support of my friends.
A positive , but disconcerting move towards a Diagnostic Assessment was made today , so all in all going to bed a much happier bunny than of late !

So another day with the house to myself has helped relax & chill me out a bit better.

There is much turbulence hidden under the seemingly calm surface of my most important relationship & I fear that key supports in its structure are less than stable. 😔

My mood was up enough to clean the bathroom, which is a chore I dislike enough to need a decent chunk of motivation to get going !

I also got brave enough to ring my Bestie again , this was partially driven by the fact that I know she has problems with her hands due to fibromyalgia & hyper-mobility that are exacerbated by being out in the cold. So chatting over the phone meant she didn’t have to try to type while she was out for a walk into town.
We had a good long chat, set the world to rights & had a good laugh as well. 😊

Getting used to my new sleep cycle is taking a toll, waking at 4am is fine with the alarm, but actually getting to sleep by 10pm is proving challenging , mostly because I’m addicted to Mastodon! 😂
Thus at about 4pm this afternoon when I wanted to get an hours gaming in I actually fell asleep 🙄🤦‍♂️

I want to end with some really promising news, I was contacted by a 3rd party MH provider today , I was initially suspicious because it was not the one I was expecting, but it turned out to be kosher & I’m 90% thru the registration process. I just need to get a copy of my id docs tomorrow & then send them off.

This is a major step forwards , this is related to my referral for a Diagnostic Assessment for my ASD , & timescales for it are so much better via the private sector thru the ‘Right to Choose’ NHS option.
I am conflicted with taking this route because it is helping privatise the NHS via a backdoor, but I cannot dispute that the 4 weeks waiting time is considerably better than the 2 - 3 year waiting times to access the NHS’s own mental health services! Right to Choose basically provides the benefits of going private while it simultaneously waives the hefty costs normally involved !

Final Thoughts:

I had dreaded the fallout from Sundays’ events, some of it is yet to fall , but I was expecting to be in mid-depressive slump by now, but , whilst I’m suffering some of the symptoms , the full on experience has been avoided!
I put this down to the support I have had from my friends on here & in particular my lovely , kind CDP 🧚‍♀️🥰
Chatting with my bestie, actually having a bestie once more , is a blessing. Having an ND bestie who understands where I am coming from & can empathise is almost unbeliveable, that we can support each other is really special !

Being 1 step closer (& a big step at that) to a DA so quickly has cheered me up enormously, I know that the path ahead is long & probably hard, but I am actually making serious progress ! 😊

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 22 Monday 20/11/23

TL:DR It’s STILL only Monday! ; Early to bed, early to rise - just make sure you tired !; The unadulterated truth is a sharp blade , one should not wield it without caution!

Today was a very ‘Meh’ kind of day.
Breakfast was quiet but you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife . 😔
It was a relief when Mrs Squirrel had to go into the office for the day!

I’m starting to move my sleep cycle so I wake earlier. Aiming for 20:30 - 04:00 , I’ll wait while those of you allergic to pre-dawn wake up calls recover 😆

There are 2 reasons for this.

1. Mrs Squirrel insists on going to bed (to read) as close to 20:00 as she can get. Every night! This leaves me on my own till about midnight when I go to bed to get my statutory 6 hours sleep ( that’s what my body clock is set too 🙄🤦‍♂️ )
2. One of my dear online friends has a 17:00 - 00:30 (ish ) sleep cycle & I want to tie in with that a bit better so we can chat of a morning.

So I’m a bit tired today as my body adjusts , objecting loudly obviously !
I am also recovering from yesterday’s fracas , the MH fallout of which will take a few days to work out of my system.

I did a few chores & downloaded ‘It takes 2’ to play with my Pixy friend when she next has a moment 😊
(CDP 🧚‍♀️🥰😁 not NGP🧚🥰 )

Then I had a long phone chat with my very close friend , possibly my bestie I guess .
I overcame my anxiety about talking to people directly & I think we had a good chat. 😊

Then I hit Mastodon - 256 toots ! I love the guys I share a TL with , but really peeps !
This is why I’m a little late with this , I’m still a little behind but will finish off when I publish this.

Final Thoughts:
The aftereffects of my ASD mini meltdown yesterday continue to reverberate, peace & cordiality have been restored in the household but such episodes are not without scarring , certainly for me.
Talking with my Bestie helped as I discovered that some of the feelings I was having about yesterday they had had in the past. They are ND too & they are helping me understand my ASD better.
I also discovered yesterday that, when pushed to the point of angry exchange, I can only tell the truth & nothing but the truth, in its raw, unadulterated , unfiltered form! This is actually not as good a thing as one might think, folk don’t always like that level of truth, it can, in a nutshell ,piss them off!
Had I not been in my current state of self analysis I’m not sure I would ever have noticed .
Another tick in the Triad box methinks, but not an idea negotiation technique 🤦‍♂️

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 21 Sunday 19/11/23

TL:DR This another entry that is hard to write & hard to read, there is no cw because there is nothing really controversial here. Even so read at your own risk.

Another lay in this morning promised a lazy carefree day, but that was not to be.

Getting downstairs 2 minor triggers, then 1 big sod off one were set off within a few moments.
I ended up storming out of the house in an ASD fuelled strop.
I hate walking in the rain, I really hate walking in cold rain, but I needed to walk , I needed space.
I walked to the top of our hill, chatting with a dear friend who helped me , stopped me crashing & pulled me back from the brink.

I got home & as has happened in the past my inability to handle multiple triggering events was thrown in my face & I ended up being the one who backed down, the one who felt guilty & to blame , the one who made the peace overtures in the shape of food & drink.

Don’t get me wrong I’m am not wholly innocent in this episode, but neither am I wholly guilty, I should not have had to shoulder all the blame simply to return a quiet life.

So the mask goes back up, pent up frustration simmers gently in the background, waiting for sufficient additional frustration to reach the next explosion, probably in about a year.

This evening détente had been restored, all parties were on talking terms , will things change, unlikely, one refuses to change the other strives for a mixture of a quiet life & to not ‘rock the boat’. I leave the reader to decide who plays what role.

Final Thoughts:
ASD & depression are hard to deal with, harder when the one who should be someone to turn to is the one triggering episodes.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or indeed judgment of any party, there are aspects of today, like my autism , that caused the situation to be so much harder for those involved.

This is the other side of the coin from yesterday, what a difference 24 hours makes.

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 20 Saturday 18/11/23

TL:DR A lazy day, but progress was still made! Writing is so much easier than other forms of communication for those who lack Social Communication skills .

Hurrah for Saturdays !
A much needed lay in this morning that led to a decidedly enjoyable gaming session & learning a few new tricks on the PS5 associated with multiplayer options 😊

My ASD played with me in the moments leading up to starting the gaming session . A new game , new genre , playing with someone who knew the game & had completed it. Angst levels were high!

However because the person I play with is kind & patient & the game ‘Man of Medan’ is a slower pace than the games I usually play it was a truly enjoyable experience & the angst quickly passed.

A long chat this afternoon via text allowed a friendship to grow stronger. ND experiences shared & a deeper understanding of each other developed.

An evening of takeaway, cider & ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ rounded off the day in a very pleasant way. 😊

Final Thoughts:

As I have commented before a deeper understanding of autism, as it affects me , & others (including the responses to previous diary entries ) makes life a little easier & friendships a little deeper.

Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 19 Friday 17/11/23

TL:DR Alexander G. Bell will be turning in his grave ! ; My friends must think I’m a screw loose! ; Don’t bring that slide rule any closer ! ; The inner child in me is excited as anything!

I really need to remember to write this thru the day. Given that I managed to lose my AirPods precisely 2 feet away from my head doesn’t exactly bode well on the memory front 🙄🤦‍♂️

I found today that my aversion to using the phone is seriously deeply seated!
I really wanted to speak to a really close friend today, but could not. I lost my airpods as mentioned above & my autistic self told me that my friend would judge me (as I had txted them about the loss) & refused point blank to use the phone to speak to them.
I was perfectly fine texting them, but speaking to them was out of the question !

Just had a bun fight with someone who misread a toot & then argued with a coder & claimed that coding wasn’t easy & absolutely needed a high degree of maths capability. Hmmmmm.
All I can say is my 13 year old Niece can run mathematical rings around me & ,for me at least, programming isn’t that hard. Except Assembly Language, which was created to punish programmers who wouldn’t eat their greens !

Oh and I’m sharing TLs with @ [email protected]! 😊 does slightly excited little dance (I de-tagged her because I don’t wanna flood her TL with my nonsense!)
Well I think that proves both the inner child in me is alive & well & that the bit in the Triad of Impairment about not comprehending correct social behaviour holds true for me!

Final Thoughts:
Conquering my ND tendencies may prove harder than I thought, who’d have thunk that speaking on the phone with a dear friend would be harder than actually meeting them face to face? (They live 500 miles away so no real chance of that in the foreseeable future 😔)
I wonder if one of my autistic ‘super powers ‘ is the ability to code without any competence in Maths ?
Hey is my inner child ND too ?

Thanks to all my friends on here & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 18 Thursday 16/11/23

TL:DR Life , don’t talk to me about life ! There’s some hard reading ahead, UHBW.

Let’s just say I’ve had better days & leave it at that.

I am in bed, not because I’m ill but because I’m really not up for sitting downstairs on my own , again & again.
So at least here I can snuggle under the duvet & pretend I’m 80 miles & 45 years away & my Mum will walk in to tell me to turn out the light & wish me good night in 15 minutes 😣

I’m casting about for someone in the real world who hasn’t triggered me today, my brother his partner & my niece, by dint of not actually interacting with me pretty much fills that list.

Thank Nuggan for Mastodon & the ability to loose myself in the presence of people who will at least not ignore me.

I am so very close to taking my frustrations out on me , but then I would feel I had let good friends on here down so perhaps not. Also I know that some of my reactions are ASD amplified again & in realising that I can step slowly back to a safer space.

I am not looking for sympathy, or understanding, this is a diary after all.

Final Thoughts:
I would list the triggers & frustrations one by one , but what would that serve .
I faced the temptation of full on self penalisation & resisted , so a little progress there I guess.
I wonder if people with conditions that seem to force them to live in their past memories have simply had enough of ‘now’ & prefer to live in the comfort of ‘then’ ?

Thanks to all my friends on here & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 17 Wednesday 15/11/23

TL:DR Blood is thicker than water, unless you’re on blood thinners ! Also good friends are hard to replace especially when you understand them a little better ! Oh & please don’t break my brain with illogical logic !

I had another good day today, Mrs Squirrel took me out of a post birthday lunch treat. Then we watched movies.

Also I shared my MAJ1 TL with someone today & it was a most welcome reunion, nice to see you back Fi 🤗🥰
I hope that now I am understanding me better & autism better, I can stop putting my foot in it !

This afternoon into this evening a merry thread developed , seasoned Squirrel Fans will not be surprised to learn it involved #Cake 😂

A new peep sharing my MAJ1 TL @AntiPapa_Ken produced an inordinately long Emoji acronym , my logical ASD brain took one look at it & closed down.
I suggested that acronyms should be shorter than what they represent , his response was “where is the fun in that?”
Now my NT side knew that this was a joke, that it was humour. However my ND mind was like ‘there is no fun in that, it makes no sense ‘ & promptly shut down any further train of thought on the subject.

However as the song goes “Into every life a little rain must fall!”

Today was a day of sunshine & and major rain storm!

My Dad & Sisters have not sent me a card or presents , or at least ones that arrived yesterday (my birthday) or today .

My Dad did ring yesterday & my older Sister texted me but, that feels like a consolation prize.
I know that my feelings of utter rejection are OTT & most probably driven to these levels by my ASD mind , but that does not help.

There is something primal about being ‘rejected’ or at least feeling you’ve been rejected by your immediate family .

It is worse because I had hoped that the revelation of my being autistic would explain some of my anti-social behaviour, but it seems not. Maybe it needs longer conversations & explaining to my Dad that I have been this way since birth. That is definitely gonna be a shock to his system !

Mrs Squirrel has hinted at a post, post birthday lunch tomorrow , but the way I feel at the moment , hiding away at home & having something simple appeals more.

Final Thoughts:
Once again the duality of my ASD becomes evident, on the one hand enabling me to reconnect with folk & brightening my day.
On the other hand the inability to process nonsensical information because my brain wanted to take it literally & my Bambleweeny 57 sub-meson logic circuit ( gotta fit a HHGTTG ref into this somehow ! ) simply didn’t want to know !
Finally heightened emotions were once more boosted to uncalled for levels by my tendency to project the worst on every situation .
It’s been a roller coaster day !

Thanks to all my friends on here & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

Tim_McTuffty, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 16 Tuesday 14/11/23

TL:DR Sometimes life is good 😊

Today I have completed 56 circuits of the sun! Thats a flipping long way to walk I’m telling you ! 😜

It’s been a really good day, spoken with family on the phone , been out to lunch with Mrs Squirrel, chatted with friends on Mastodon!

Got some nice presents , including some squirrel themed ones, everyone loves da squirrel , including it seems Mrs Squirrel 😂

I wanted to catch up with a really close friend this afternoon , sadly that didn’t happen. I hope that I will catch up with them tomorrow !

Thanks to all my friends on here & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #TheMammutMoves

theautisticcoach, 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

How did my #ActuallyAutistic comrades come to know that they’re autistic?

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic