The vast majority (but NOT all) #ActuallyAutistic humans live with alexithymia, making it difficult for us to either engage or express (sometimes both) with our emotional state.
When combined with interoception issues (in our bodies) we lose access to just about all feelings besides those that we intellectualize.
Getting in touch with both our emotions and our physical embodied sensations is essential for living fully.
I thought I didn’t have problems related to alexithymia, as I believed to have above average ability to analyze and describe my feelings. It turns out, not only I’m significantly out of sync with my immediate physical state, I’m also very convincing when I talk about something I think I know thus nobody including my therapist noticed I was so out of touch with my feelings.
Just yesterday, I had two definitive periods where I couldn’t identify a cause for my anxiety and lack of motivation. As far as I was aware, I was extremely anxious at both instances and the feeling was directed towards something I was about to do. I felt stress on the verge of a panic attack and couldn’t bring myself to engage in the thing in front of me. This also came with a noticeable difficulty focusing my thoughts.
In both cases the issue was solved inadvertently when I did something to alleviate a physical need, first noise reduction and second, having dinner. In the first one I just decided to listen to a podcast instead of the work I thought I was stressing about and as soon as I put on my noise canceling headphones an enormous calm came over me and I was able to start working almost immediately.
The case with hunger is extra ironic because the thing I was procrastinating and feeling anxious about was having dinner in a restaurant with my wife, which was solved by having dinner at a restaurant with my wife.
@actuallyautistic I'm having a hard time with demand avoidance right now. I can just about being myself to do things from my to-do lists, but I just pull a blanket over my head when it comes to social stuff, ignoring people's calls and messages. Any tips from you #actuallyautistic guys on how to get out of that hole?
@actuallyautistic#ActuallyAutistic
People here on Mastodon have helped me so much. I wasn't good at masking and have been rejected so often.
I was a poker dealer for 25 years (Texas holdem) and that meant looking at the center of the table and watching everyone peripherally instead of making direct eye contact.
I got to old to continue and have a new job. I am on my second company in 2 years. I was going to quit from the first company but decided to try this one. I work in groups of teams on projects that can be resolved within a week. Or at least my portion of it. I have tried to check out books on making small talk and having conversations and there are not many out there. I have tried to ask people about themselves but I just fail. I talk to them when they are texting or I make too much eye contact. Blah blah.
My point is in following along I have learned to watch what other people do and copy them. If everyone is texting I pretend I am too. I am trying to limit my eye contact I was forced to learn.
I was in a weird null space this past weekend. I knew I had things I wanted to get to but just had literally no drive to do much. I did manage a few things but these were in the evening.
Sometimes I think my pattern is that I’m more productive when there are literally no people around that I know of. It’s not that they’re talking to me, but the very prospect of having to expend energy interacting with or avoiding them switches my drive off.
TL:DR A slow , sad day, with a couple of higher points. Slowly ascending the levels of my own personal hell!
Friends are life ! 🤗🥰
Today has been like wading thru treacle.
Up at 4am as per, said Hi to my Bestie then basically fell asleep again.
I had the ultimate mix of depression , SAD & Codeine withdrawal.
Breakfast was a brief, muted affair & I went straight back to bed.
I hit the codeine again because a) my back was killing me & b) it was the one are in my low mood I could actively tackle!
Chatted with my bestie , because I was in such a low state we had something of a deep sharing of thoughts & feelings, we came out of it understanding one another better & our friendship reinforced. 😊
Sometimes when I get this low my mind insists on an activity to divert me from painful thoughts, this afternoon was such an occasion. A major recabling exercise ensued in my bedroom & several tonnes of dust were introduced to the vacuum cleaner !
Tonight has been lovely, I am blessed with a number of close friends on Mastodon & they showered me with love, advice & kindness thoughts.
Whilst I am far from well, I am also ending the day several levels of hell higher than I started it !
Final Thoughts:
Fallout from unexpected major psychological trauma is not something that passes quickly.
Today was very much about finding a place to be alone & then slowly letting others in again.
Some paint, some cook, some partake in sport. I re-cable / install kit to seek peace & centre my soul! 😆
Thanks to my friends & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
What is this "mask", what do y'all mean by "masking"?
Like, what's the difference between a mask and a public persona?
Both my parents are pretty autistic and in total denial about it. Lacking siblings, cousins, a culture, or human contact, I really have no frame of reference for this stuff.
Autistic masking is a conscious or unconscious tendency to hide autistic traits so that we're not mocked, rejected or misunderstood. Many of us do it without thinking & are pretty good at it but it takes a tremendous toll on us over time.
Perhaps social camouflage is a better description? Among other autistics we don't need to hide these traits so they can be really positive experiences.
Yeah sorry to hear about your parents denial. It's very common because the myths & stereotypes about #Autism are very pervasive & largely wrong.
If you want to reach out to the autistic community directly use #ActuallyAutistic as it tends to get right to us.
There was a time, many years ago, when I intended to go to law school after graduating college. But I suffered #burnout and never followed through. I had already taken the LSAT and been accepted.
I've only just self-DX as autistic. I've been thinking about all the ways that affected my life. I think I am beginning to understand a lot of things that never made sense.
How do I make friends as an adult? I'm new to my area and don't have any local friends or community. Have been struggling with loneliness a lot lately.
Trying to make queer friends since coming out has been a complete disaster. Since a lot of us autistics are queer, and I feel more of a connection to the autistic community than the queer community, I figured maybe asking my #ActuallyAutistic peers for advice might be a good idea.
#SensoryIssues
I noticed many years ago, that certain fabrics, materials, clothing types irritate my skin less when it's sufficiently cold enough in winter. I wonder why that is. 🤔
TL:DR A day of 2 halves, a day where my relationship with my father changed forever.
This is not an easy read - peruse at your own risk.
Up at 4 as usual , chatted with CDP 🧚♀️ ,then this old squirrel fell back to sleep - it being Sunday n all
My Dad and sister were due over today so my Dad could complete the ASD assessment Informants questionnaire.
We had some unexpected snow so a quick conflab with the parent & we agreed that the visit should be ok.
Tidying up the house , getting washed / changed took up the morning then headed out early because of the snow.
We met at one of our favourite eateries & had a delicious lunch , I had my first turkey dinner of the season & it was delicious.
The drive back was mildly interesting due to the white fluffy stuff but nothing too serious.
We topped my Dad up with a cuppa & biscuits & presented him with the questionnaire - all 16 pages of it !
I emphasised that it needed to be as thorough as possible because a ASD diagnosis can be difficult without childhood details.
About an hour later he finished .
My sister & my Dad left about 4pm to get home before the snow got heavy again. We said our goodbyes etc & they were gone.
I then read thru the answers my Dad have put down …
17/47 questions had no answers , 7 were ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers to open questions.
Apparently the only thing he remembered of me as a baby was that I didn’t sleep well.
Apparently my only strengths as a person are : IT Work & Computer gaming !
I wasn’t expecting war & peace but the total lack of information in answers that ranged from my birth to the present day, via my pre-teen & teenage years was disappointing to say the least.
I am gonna have to approach other family members to see if they can pad this out!
We’re watching Fargo, for about the 4th time, it’s moderately amusing & involves a lot of snow …. hey there are worst ways to pick a movie!
Mixed nuts & alcohol are helping me cope with being such an important part of my Fathers life that in answer to the question “Can they feel empathy” was blank.
Final Thoughts:
I realise that I have not been a model son, I am no great academic , artist , musician or physician. Shit I can barely hold my own in the IT world. I had thought that my own low opinion of myself was just me , but it appears that my father has an equally low opinion of me, so much so that I barely register.
My diagnosis has suddenly become much less likely, since childhood details are fairly key apparently!
I am Squirrel, because being human is far too fecking hard !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Oh great someone posted a thing about how “ADHD and autism are only disorders in a capitalist society” again.
Speaking as a person with #ADHD I say unto you all that this take needs to die. I can’t speak for #actuallyautistic people but ADHD is difficult in a lot of ways that would still be difficult in, like, a post-scarcity space socialist paradise or whatever!
I find #Capitalism is used as a catch-all phrase for so many unrelated things.
Examples:#Anthropocentrism and #Androcentrism are generally part of European and Abrahamic worldviews, and still present if peoples with those worldviews base their economies on other European theories (Socialism, Marxism, Communism, etc).
I still strongly believe what disables #ADHD and #ActuallyAutistic people environmental (systems in society) and not built into the individual.
I'm going to throw this out there and it may sound a bit controversial, but keep in mind I have nearly 20 years's experience as an entrepreneur. Is there ANYONE who works with #neurodivergent business owners or #ActuallyAutistic business owners who don't just regurgitate the same allistic/neurotypical "marketing advice" that's sold all over the groups and "free offers"? Because I'm not seeing anyone doing anything different from the NTs. @actuallyautistic@actuallyautistics