Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 51 TUESDAY! 19/12/23
TL:DR What days is it !!; Restricting my punctuation & emoji use as I tagged one of my fave VI Peeps in todays post ! ; NMS is the bees pyjamas! ; Mastodon ROCKS !
Erm I made a small error in my @Maj1 salutation this morning . . . I may , just may , have suggested it was. . . .Monday again 🙄🤦♂️
Ok I fess up , I totally said it was Monday this morning - not surprisingly this caused some confusion & more than a little piss taking on my TL 🤦♂️ 😆
I would have cottoned on to this if I hadn’t spent the morning tiding my bedroom so that I could actually move without risking serious injury whilst chatting with CDP 🧚♀️ 😊 , & then the afternoon playing NMS in co-op & solo. 🤦♂️
I would like to say that I had a more productive day , but hey ho I’ve nearly completed the 2nd truncated NMS Expedition 😆
Had fun catching up this evening & am writing this while watching S1.2 of Red Dwarf 😊
Tracked down @FreakyFwoof after losing track of him (soz mate, totally forgot your handle and was searching for your given name - my bad 😞)
Thanks to @nellie_m for reminding me of his UID ! 🙏
Final Thoughts:
Today has been a good day , I got a bit frustrated this morning , but the more I understand my triggers the more I can apply some basic dampening on them .
I am so glad that I moved to Mastodon just over a year ago , this community is unique & if you land on the right Instances & meet the right folk it is a life changing experience !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR NMS forever ! (well until I get bored with it ! ); Mrs S.s Cans have been replaced successfully ! ; Mastodon ROCKS ! @weirdfolks ROCK harder ! ; 50 DAYS !
Welcome one & all to my 50th ,consecutive, entry ! This is now , officially, the longest diary I have ever kept ! 🎉🥳🍾🥳🎉
As is often the case at the moment today has been a much better day!
Chores were done, NMS was played , both in co-op & solo & I had a lovely time on here this afternoon - I only intended to spend a quick 10 minutes around lunchtime & before I knew it it was 15:35 !
I discovered that the whole ‘over stimulation ’ thing actually applies to me . . occasionally I can have true flashes if insight within moments of learning something new , this , sadly, was not one of those moments! 🙄🤦♂️
Mrs S.s new headphones rocked up as promised , so they were duly charged up & paired, just in time for her to watch TV while enjoying her evening repast.
I placed them proudly in front of her . . . . “Do they work ??? “ were the 1st words out of her mouth .
I admit I was slightly short with her & possibly slightly sarcastic, because of course after her spending the day anticipating this moment I was gonna present her with a dead set of headphones ! 🙄🤦♂️
Hey ho.
Final Thoughts:
I am totally back into NMS & loving it - hey I know its an addiction , but it’s better than some of the alternatives !
I am especially enjoying playing it in limited co-op with CDP 🧚♀️, we have a lot of fun together !
A massive Thank you to those that participated in the Cake war this afternoon with @MaJ1 , I have not had so much fun in ages ! 🤗🥰
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Triggers galore, with minimal chances for recover today.; Please sir can I get off now , I really don’t like this ride !
Today has been an exercise in masking when triggered.
I bought Mrs Squirrel some seriously expensive headphones to enable her to watch the TV in comfort, in the Black Friday sales.
I could go into detail here & bore the pants off you all , but the short version is that she bust them .
Me being me went thru the whole diagnostic routine TNA ( to no avail - sorry couldn’t resist ) .
So I set up an online chat session with the company I bought the headphones from , they were initially prepared to refund the price paid, but not replace the headphones , which are now considerably more than I paid in the sale !
When pressed they offered me the manufacturers details and suggested that I pursue the manufacturers for a replacement.
I this point a major trigger hit - I was already stressed by the situation & by the chat , now they wanted me to approach a 3rd party!
My brain at this point just decided this was unacceptable !
I told the Rep that I was autistic & suffered from PDD & I just wanted the refund, I also mentioned you lot & said I would recount the story . . . oh the power of SM ! I ‘forgot’ to mention that I am a squirrel on here , but hey all is fair in love and capitalism! I merely said I had a 1000 followers - which is true across the 2 accounts! No lie no foul !
Yon rep put me on hold for 5 minutes & when he came back all of a sudden a replacement was on the table 😊
So new headphones en-route as we speak, due tomorrow !
In the background while all this is going on Mrs Squirrel is trying to organise a Sandwich Platter for what is now a traditional buffet lunch at her Mums that your’s truly puts together.
I have been perstering her since October to do this ! Not surprisingly on the Sunday before Christmas such things are few & far between & our regular supplier was unable to help!! 🙄🤦♂️
Triggered again , I held in all the frustration & made a mental note of all the extra effort I now have to put in because I was ignored - again!
Some light relief came for an hour or so playing NMS with CDP 🧚♀️, I had arranged to spend the whole morning playing co-op with her , but that had to be vastly foreshortened due to the headphones saga !
After tea I went to try & pause the DVR from my phone app to go to the little boys room - no joy . Mrs Squirrel also had no luck trying to use the app on her phone - I was just about to go into full meltdown when I looked round to check the IR sender linked to the app & discovered it was hidden behind a Christmas card !!
Now the discussion has been had about said sender that it be neither moved nor blocked! Apparently Christmas cards are IR transparent …. in the same way that you can catch COVID from 5G transmitters! 🙄🤦♂️
Final Thoughts:
Nuggan save me from folk with the technical capabilities of a small sprout!
If you are reading this then you already surpass that level & thusly stand high in my regard!
So the day ends with me sitting on a mound of frustration that I cannot get rid of easily , An 8 legged monster from the deep has helped a little , but only a little as I don’t fancy a massive hangover in the morning! .
I may put my normal sleep pattern on hold tonight & play NMS until I fall asleep thru exhaustion at around 2am.
This will bugger up tomorrow , but none of the alternatives are any better & some are noticeably worse.
EDIT: I am mentally & physically shagged, the NMS marathon may have to be put on hold.
As I have said before, this is a diary, not a plea for help or sympathy , it is simply a brain dump to try & help me, & maybe others make sense of this game called life !
I cannot even analyse how much of this is ASD, or PDD or just an NT reaction .
The comms side is defo ASD, as are the high frustration levels at fairly minor events.
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 48 Saturday 16/12/23
TL:DR Really , you think tonights entry is too long ! SMH 😜😂
First of all shoutout to all who offered support yesterday it is amazing that so many people reached out! Just Thank you ! 🤗🥰
Had a brilliant co-op with my Bestie this morning , we discovered the PS5s share screen facility, Remote Supports’ tool of choice ! 😆
An afternoon of tree building & decorating was accompanied by a trio of Christmas movies - Muppet’s Christmas Carol, Nightmare before Christmas & Arthur Christmas.
There may have been Blandys & Xmas treats followed by pizza !
Final Thoughts:
Nothing like good friends & a couple or 3 good movies to brighten the day 😊
Watched Arthur Christmas , see if you can spot a certain Squirrel near the end ! 😜 🐿️
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR NMS is game de jour yet again, I may be somewhat addicted!; Alcohol crutch or curse ? ; The rollercoaster ride of life continues.
Another day on No Mans Sky, it’s 80% of my life at the moment!
I’ve been ‘lucky’ this week in that Mrs Squirrel has been in the office most of the week so I could really relax & not mask & not be triggered for most of the day.
I often wonder if this is just a ‘bad patch’ or if it’s something more.
Tonight my phone went while I was washing up, Mrs Squirrel was less than 5 ft away on the couch but “couldn’t” answer it.
Thankfully it turns out it was a spam call, rather than an important one.
Alcohol fixes many things it seems.
Nothing much, a couple of ciders & a rum n dry, but more than I usually have - heavyweight drinker that I am 😂
Final Thoughts:
The rollercoaster ride continues, I am definitely on the way up at the moment , but it is most certainly 2 steps forward 1 step back !
I worry that booze is becoming a crutch, I tell myself that it is simply the taste I like, but I wonder if there is something more to it.
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 46 Thursday 14/12/23
TL:DR NMS is game de jour again, I may be a tiny bit addicted!; MH is well on the way up, but there are still peaks & troughs!; Sometimes being autistic sucks !
Another quiet day, my addiction to gaming is back.
Pretty much spent the day - minus a couple of hours doing chores (gotta do the essentials ) playing No Mans Sky, my goto recovery game.
In one way this is a very good sign , it means my MH has improved past the ‘can’t be arsed with anything’ stage to the ‘can be arsed with 1 thing’ stage.
On the other hand perhaps if it was something more productive I’d feel like a better person.
Good news on the MiL boiler front, all fixed & working , with minimal cost & effort!
Just been triggered 🙄🤦♂️
Mrs Squirrel did the thing where she heads to bed at 8pm & turns the TV off, sod the fact that I might have other plans. It’s laughably easy to turn it back on again, but the fact that she treats me like I’m not here - which she knows I HATE triggers me something rotten, how hard is it to ask the question?!
I know it was probably unthinking , but then so is just making her lunch & not mine & leaving the sink a mess because hey it’s not like there’s anyone else in the house to notice.
Sorry I’m off my AD meds, for reasons to complex to explain here, so filters that would normally be applied are missing.
Final Thoughts:
I wonder if future generations of governments will make access to a fully immersive gaming experience free to control the masses ? I for one would not fight that 😆
To quote a song, whose title & performer are lost to the vagaries of my memory … “Into every life a little rain must fall! “
Why does being triggered have to be so all encompassing a mood change ? Why can’t a silly thing just annoy me slightly & be forgotten , instead of darkening the whole of the rest of the day ?
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 45 Wednesday 13/12/23
TL:DR NMS is game de jour again! ; Besties are the best 🤗🥰 ; Pretty chilled & MH is on the up ! 😊
Super good day, pretty much NMS wall to wall, major push to finish Expedition 9, which turned out to be worthwhile as I got a mean Fighter ship out of it , that I can use in EVERY other save & all future saves.
CDP 🧚♀️ will defo be jealous in the morning 😆
Talking of CDP 🧚♀️ who could wish for a better bestie, we played solo this morning but chatted & then had a major co-op session this afternoon!
I think it is a quirk of my ASD that I can only coop with 1 person, & they have to be an exact fit! No wonder its taken so long to get into co-op playing !
Project WOOF sadly took a serious step back today, I could not resist hitting the Danish Butter cookies, which are bite sized & ridiculously moreish !
Hey ho, mucho exercising & dieting in the new year!
The fact that today was another day where all the masks were off also helped sp much to relax me!
Final Thoughts:
Ok I must be getting better MH wise, my gaming addiction is coming back!
Vis a vis the above - I need to schedule my time !!
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR NMS is game de jour ; If deadlines loom then locking myself away physically & digitally seems to be the only way to get me to concentrate ! ; Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of old successes! ; Best friends rock n roll ! ASD assessments take FOREVER !
Morning chat with CDP 🧚♀️ ended up in an early morning NMS session, not co-op as I’m on with my expedition & she wanted to practice build & repairing. In the co-op save we have found a couple of ‘S’ class Royal Ships from the get go, which is fantastic ! Sadly mucho repairs required & a cold planet - which we will have to warp to another system to find !
CDP 🧚♀️ is still getting used to my quirky memory , with many a ‘oh another thing that I forgot to tell you earlier ….. “ driving her slightly nuts 😆
Went into DnD mode to finish the ASD self assessment form notes for this afternoons session.
Dug out the documentation from my TDB (Tape DASD Buffer) project, you know what, once upon a long time ago I was a shit hot Storage Manager ! Shame I’m now a house elf , but hey , memories ! 😊
Finished in time to have a chat before the meeting which was lovely!
The 2nd assessment session went really well, although I waxed so lyrical that a 3rd session is now booked to complete the S/A report!
I could finally relax after the appointment ended & I played a little more NMS .
Mrs Squirrel , who had been in the office returned & game had to go away , mask had to go back on & tea had to be made.
Final Thoughts:
I am so much better MH wise since I started this journey, yes there are episodes & triggers , but they are thankfully short lived & easier to cope with thanks to the support that I get from my Elephant riding friends !
I had forgotten why a major financial institution trusted me to ensure its key data was backed up in a timely & effective manner - I never realised it at the time, but I was a decent Tech back in the day !
One more Pre-assessment session then I’m assuming the real thing sometime in January / February ‘24 .
I hope that next year will be a turning point in my life - preferably for the better 🤞
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR My time management sucks ! ; I knew the positive streak was too good to last ! ;I’m totally focused . . “oh look , squirrel!’
Busy day today.
Up at the usual time, but mixed chatting with my bestie with a little NMS to try & get the Expedition moved fwd.
I’d like to say that I jumped to the whole ASD stuff after breakfast, but I’m back to being well enough for the game addiction to be present so lost another hour to that 🙄🤦♂️
I spent the morning fighting with the scanner to persuade it to scan the ASD Informant reports in & then collate them into the right order , came close to just chucking the thing out the window !
Spent a couple or 3 hours this afternoon playing NMS co-op , enjoyed it enormously , although did feel guilty that I had failed on concentrating on the ASD stuff left to do!
Late afternoon into this evening was spent summarising up my educational & employment history, boy have I done a lot of stuff ! I could have done without being reminded that 2012 was the last year I was able to work due to a massive MH breakdown.
A call with the elder of my sisters was a nice way to end the day.
Final Thoughts:
I rediscovered why I don’t work anymore, having fought with a mix of the technology , my stubbornness to cough up to renew our MS 365 sub. & reminders going off left right & centre for stuff I had put on a back burner for today , I was thoroughly frustrated with everything by the time my Sister rang this evening, to the point where the cats & Mrs Squirrel had vacated the immediate vicinity and various pieces of tech were in severe danger of being lobbed across the room!
I don’t do defeat, I do however work on the basis of a deadline to force me to do stuff, which then leads to frustration if stuff goes wrong!
To thoroughly misquote Yoda ,“Frustration leads to anger , anger leads to hate , hate leads to the dark side ! “
Tomorrow morning will absolutely have to be dedicated to finishing this flipping ASD Self assessment report !
I can prevaricate for England it seems !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR I am not unaware of the significance of of todays entry 😆 ; Chats with my Bestie & my Bro made my day; Who knew writing could be cathartic !; Christmas, like Winter, is coming !! 😉
Sunday was a ridiculously nice day, only let down by the weather !
4am , sleepy chat with my Bestie, then when she went out to walk yon doggie I snoozed until Mrs Squirrel woke about 8ish.
Breakfast was followed by catching up on here a little & a bit of TV over a cuppa.
My brother rang & we had a really long chat to catch up & talk about my ASD diagnosis & how he could help. I think my brother is my most favourite sibling & we get on like a house on fire!
This afternoon was taken up by writing a long letter to my old Deputy Head Master / 5th form English teacher from Secondary School, he writes a quarterly ‘Old Boys’ news letter & we have kept in contact for 40 years. Old habits die very hard so I still see him as a kindly figure of authority as opposed to any other form of relationship.
I have told him about my initial diagnosis for ASD & I think he will maybe understand better than my father , which would be nice.
I also told him about my antics on here & sent him a couple of my poems - I hope he likes them (& gives me a good grade 😆 ) .
I also wrote shorter letters to one of my aunts who lives in Cumbria & a the single friend I still keep in touch with from my days at IBM.
The afternoon flowed into evening as I wrote countless xmas cards, a task that I am not overly fond of , but tradition dictates.
A quick evening meal & an episode of the last series of ‘Ghosts’ got me to now.
Final Thoughts:
Having spoken to my bother for nearly 2 hours today it struck me that he, his partner & my teenage niece are my favourite blood relatives , by quite a long way. I am uncomfortable with this a little, I do love the rest of my family , but in a slightly distant fashion.
Christmas is not a massive thing for me, but it is a time when I dust off my address book & re-connect with the tiny list of people that I keep in touch with.
It is a strangely satisfying experience .
Gotta crack on with the ASD assessment stuff tomorrow !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR How long can this streak last ? ( I hope I haven’t jinxed it ! ) ; I never expected the Diagnostic Assessment to be such hard work, it’s worse than applying for a job, it’s worse than applying for a job in a high security location!
Well who’d a thunk - 3 days (nearly) on the trot of a fairly chilled Squirrel!
Up early, but having had a rough night I had a quick chat with my Bestie then went back to sleep.
Had a great NMS co-op session with CDP 🧚♀️ after breakfast, it was so much fun teaching someone else the tricks & bits n bobs, she was worried that I might get bored playing with a noob , but it was enormous fun !
Worked on my ASD assessment self-report form, today, & have started tracking trigger points & behaviour.
Boy am I set in my ways !
It’s weird , many of my routines are deeply based on logic, but are routines nonetheless !
There are 25 pages to this thing! I have until Tuesday afternoon ! (Which is probably why I spent the grand total of about an hour on it today 🙄🤦♂️ )
This afternoon & evening have flown past , the latter part of the day was taken up with catching up with a couple of topical satirical news shows & then Mrs Squirrel & I watched ‘The Creator’ which I can defo recommend to sci-fi fans, some slightly tongue in cheek nods to Star Wars, Blade Runner & Chappie !
Final Thoughts:
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s all going far too well!
I best get a fecking ASD diagnosis after all this work, I know me and oddly I will probably feel like a complete fraud & stranger still a complete failure if I don’t !
I hope I sleep tonight, I’ve had a few restless nights so far this week & need some decent sleep !
I love sci fi movies 😆
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR A chilled, quiet day , one filled with love & folks helping me to centre myself!; SNICoM is born 😆 ; Blessed are they who have good mates !
Hurrah for quiet days !
Spent the day mostly chilled, the usual triggers around a certain someone seemingly being unable to do basic tasks but noting remotely serious! Thank Nuggan !!
Got to have decent chats with both CDP 🧚♀️ & my Kelda, which truly made my day. Two people I can honestly say mean a massive amount to me & , in their own unique ways make my world a much better place!
My Queen may well be pouting at this point, but worry not , the love of the Sister of my Heart intertwines with all others !
It seems that I have developed a somewhat piratical air, my threads (via MAJ1 ) are apparently notorious & I have somehow reached the point of having an inner circle (again via MAJ1 , since Tim is a total innocent 😆 !) - or as DT (a key member 😆) would have it … SNICoM -> Squirrels Notorious Inner Circle of Miscreants ! 😆
You don’t have to be slightly bonkers to be ASD , but it certainly helps 😂
I managed to con my brother into filling in an ASD Informants report - that’ll teach you to be a smart arse Bro! 😜😂
I end today , really very happy & slightly drunk! ( Project WOOF is in abeyance 🤦♂️ )
Final Thoughts:
Thank Nuggan for truly close friends , I am blessed by having an obscene number of them on here!
Members of SNICoM I salute you ! 🤗🥰
Bro , it is likely you will never get to read this, but I love you , I hope all eldest sons are lucky enough to have such a one in their family!
Sorry I am waxing lyrical because I am slightly drunk, but - in vino veritas !
This is a super long road that I am on, even though I am making decent progress, I am not religious but I am truly blessed to have good & caring friends to help me make the distance!
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Wet; Boiler diagnostics completed; Galaxy quest rocks; Lots of love to my Bestie ! 🤗🥰
What a day, was so tired this morning that I had a quick chat with my Bestie then went back to bed for s couple of hours.
Drove over to my Mother in Laws in the pouring rain , found that I had to clean out the tiny room where the boiler lived before I could get a proper look at it!
Powered off the boiler & spent a merry 20 minutes fighting with the front cover which hadn’t been removed in years !
Got Simon our tame plumber on a video call so that he could diagnose the fault with me - turns out that the fan is dead.
Got slightly triggered when one of my MiLs’ carers rocked up, but we both had our separate jobs to do so interaction was reduced to a quick “Good Morning”.
Sorted out getting details needed for ordering the replacement fan & then had to break the news to my MiL that yon plumber could rock up next week to fit the new fan & she need to agree to that & to paying him.
An hour & a half later we finally convinced her that this was basically the only way to go.
Several triggers were hammered home & I nearly stormed out at one point when she argued that it didn’t need to be done because “I’m immune to hypothermia” , naughty words competed vigorously to be the 1st to be released upon the world, but good manners prevailed & I held them at bay!
We finally got her to agree & raced off at speed before she could change her mind !
A stop off at Costco on the way home for a much needed hot dog & a Cherry cola , followed by Xmas treat shopping helped to get my mind back into a less stressed mode !
Got home & worked with Mrs Squirrel to complete her ASD Informants report form. Thankfully she was able to fill in a lot more than my Dad did !
Bestie went to bed early again feeling rough, wish her a speedy recovery 🤗🥰
Watched ‘Galaxy Quest’ for the first time in years & enjoyed it enormously, it was interesting to see both the nods made by the movie to the space sci-fi genre & also the nods made by other later movies to Galaxy Quest.
A quick catch up on here , & sadly it was only a quick one , has led us to me writing up my diary.
Final Thoughts:
Mother in Laws like mine are the epitome of the gags made by comedians in the late 70’s !
She could be more rude (yet to receive a thank you) awkward or just plain childish if she had wanted to , thankfully she stopped just short of getting the boiler outer casing wrapped round her like a steel straitjacket !
I cannot even begin to list the triggers bounced on from a great height. I am, in retrospect , quite pleased that I recognised some of them & took appropriate steps to minimise their impact!
I may adopt the quote : “ Never give up, Never Surrender ! “ Jason Nesmith - Galaxy Quest !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 38 Wednesday 6/12/23
TL:DR Project WOOF is back on track !; I love walking in sunny conditions; Squirrel to the rescue , no problem too small to look at & say ‘Nope , not a nut in a blenders chance of me fixing this! ‘;
Besties deserve all the hugs the internet can carry ! ; Triggers , what triggers !
Up at 4am as per, had a long chat with my Bestie, which was great 😊
After breakfast & a catch up session on here , I checked the weather & saw it was going to be a sunny day so with a little prompting from a dear friend I went for a walk up to Windy Hill , it was really sunny, but very cold - 2 hours & 12400 steps later I got home, knackered but having had a really enjoyable walk & talk my friend on the phone.
My Bestie was feeling under the weather this afternoon so chatting was limited to me doing what I do best & bombarding her with cute memes 😊 . Hopefully a decent nights sleep will see her right 🤗🥰
The rest of the day was fairly routine right up until around 16:30 when Mrs Squirrel popped her head around the door & asked if I could do a ‘favour’.
This turned out to be an emergency dash across the moors to my Mother in Laws’ to look at a none functioning boiler.
I’m no plumber , but I can do basic diags like check for power / gas / general functionality .
The boiler was deader than week old fish finger sandwich !
Did the old turn it off & on again routine , on the vague chance that The Lady would smile on me (if you have to ask who The Lady is then you need a pTerry refresher course ! ) but she didn’t.
We dug out a couple of electric heaters so yon MiL wouldn’t freeze to death & came back home with a plan to sort out a plumber tomorrow .
Once we got home I tried our tame plumber - Simon- who has serviced our boiler for years, on the off chance he would wonder to the end of the known world to look at a manky boiler.
Turns out that we can save some dosh & I can go across in the morning and take him with via the magic of a video call! He thinks its a fan & wants me to confirm it so we can reduce the time it takes for a fix.
Yay, gotta wonder ‘lonely as a Squirrel’ across the moors again !
Final Thoughts:
This morning was really enjoyable , it’s getting much easier to leave the house if my Bestie gives me a prod 😊
Mucho triggers faced down this afternoon & evening, no wonder I’m shagged ! The time critical nature of the situation & the diagnostic element absolutely helped draw my mind away from the whole going out, ‘socialising’ , ringing people things !
Anxiety is still there tho, I worry that I could have done more or that I should have rung Simon from MiLs house & then we would be that bit closer to a solution !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Meh still rules , but in the face of todays video meeting I was forced to tidy my desk! ; Official Diagnosis process has well & truly started! ; Besties Rock! ; Mastodonians Rock !
Busy day today, once I actually dug myself out of my pit, which I really didn’t want to do!
On the plus side the house was quiet as Mrs Squirrel was in the office !
Phase 1 of a major desk tidy revealed that there was actually a desk under all the junk after all !
Phase 2 will be going thru all the aforementioned junk & either bining it or putting it away.
Also moved & re-cabled my docking station so that it stopped looking like I had spilt a can of oversized spaghetti on the floor!
I chatted with my Bestie for a decent chunk of the desk tidying process , which was really nice 😊
She told me some exciting news she had received & I was so very pleased for her !
Thus we arrived at the key point if todays story, ASD Pre-assessment appointment 1.
The lass I’m dealing with at this stage ,Abbie, was very nice to deal with & put me at my ease, event though I was initially deeply uncomfortable with the whole idea of the video call freaked me out no end!
The hour long call seemed to take for ever , but it was finally over & the stage is set for next weeks session.
This evening has been taken up with trying to catch up on Mastodon, a near impossible task this late in the day when I have to be in bed & asleep by 10pm at the latest.
Final Thoughts:
I’m still recovering from the discovery that, for whatever reason, my Dad appears to know sod all about me. It’s gonna be a slow process to come to terms with this I think.
It always brightens my day when folks I know get good & unexpected news , for it to be my Bestie was just the icing on the cake! 😊
My ‘official’ journey to a diagnosis has begun properly today, it is both a pleasing & a daunting realisation!
One of the questions was “What do you want out of this ?” ultimately my answer was I’m not sure, I have never been well , thus I don’t know what that ‘looks’ like . If it’s even possible !
Mastodonians rock ! Love you guys, even if I can’t keep up with events as much as I would like at the moment!
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR A slow , sad day, with a couple of higher points. Slowly ascending the levels of my own personal hell!
Friends are life ! 🤗🥰
Today has been like wading thru treacle.
Up at 4am as per, said Hi to my Bestie then basically fell asleep again.
I had the ultimate mix of depression , SAD & Codeine withdrawal.
Breakfast was a brief, muted affair & I went straight back to bed.
I hit the codeine again because a) my back was killing me & b) it was the one are in my low mood I could actively tackle!
Chatted with my bestie , because I was in such a low state we had something of a deep sharing of thoughts & feelings, we came out of it understanding one another better & our friendship reinforced. 😊
Sometimes when I get this low my mind insists on an activity to divert me from painful thoughts, this afternoon was such an occasion. A major recabling exercise ensued in my bedroom & several tonnes of dust were introduced to the vacuum cleaner !
Tonight has been lovely, I am blessed with a number of close friends on Mastodon & they showered me with love, advice & kindness thoughts.
Whilst I am far from well, I am also ending the day several levels of hell higher than I started it !
Final Thoughts:
Fallout from unexpected major psychological trauma is not something that passes quickly.
Today was very much about finding a place to be alone & then slowly letting others in again.
Some paint, some cook, some partake in sport. I re-cable / install kit to seek peace & centre my soul! 😆
Thanks to my friends & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR A day of 2 halves, a day where my relationship with my father changed forever.
This is not an easy read - peruse at your own risk.
Up at 4 as usual , chatted with CDP 🧚♀️ ,then this old squirrel fell back to sleep - it being Sunday n all
My Dad and sister were due over today so my Dad could complete the ASD assessment Informants questionnaire.
We had some unexpected snow so a quick conflab with the parent & we agreed that the visit should be ok.
Tidying up the house , getting washed / changed took up the morning then headed out early because of the snow.
We met at one of our favourite eateries & had a delicious lunch , I had my first turkey dinner of the season & it was delicious.
The drive back was mildly interesting due to the white fluffy stuff but nothing too serious.
We topped my Dad up with a cuppa & biscuits & presented him with the questionnaire - all 16 pages of it !
I emphasised that it needed to be as thorough as possible because a ASD diagnosis can be difficult without childhood details.
About an hour later he finished .
My sister & my Dad left about 4pm to get home before the snow got heavy again. We said our goodbyes etc & they were gone.
I then read thru the answers my Dad have put down …
17/47 questions had no answers , 7 were ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers to open questions.
Apparently the only thing he remembered of me as a baby was that I didn’t sleep well.
Apparently my only strengths as a person are : IT Work & Computer gaming !
I wasn’t expecting war & peace but the total lack of information in answers that ranged from my birth to the present day, via my pre-teen & teenage years was disappointing to say the least.
I am gonna have to approach other family members to see if they can pad this out!
We’re watching Fargo, for about the 4th time, it’s moderately amusing & involves a lot of snow …. hey there are worst ways to pick a movie!
Mixed nuts & alcohol are helping me cope with being such an important part of my Fathers life that in answer to the question “Can they feel empathy” was blank.
Final Thoughts:
I realise that I have not been a model son, I am no great academic , artist , musician or physician. Shit I can barely hold my own in the IT world. I had thought that my own low opinion of myself was just me , but it appears that my father has an equally low opinion of me, so much so that I barely register.
My diagnosis has suddenly become much less likely, since childhood details are fairly key apparently!
I am Squirrel, because being human is far too fecking hard !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR I am a truly socially impaired entity, I am thankful that I have really good & close friends to help me with this. (If that is not an oxymoron! ) ; I fear that spoons are soon to become a big part of my life. ; I am starting to understand that this journey I am on is many faceted , complex and Andrex™ long! ; Downton Abbey is still brilliant !
Today started early, as my days now do with an early morning cuppa and a chat with my Bestie.
Breakfast was had & Mrs Squirrel went to do the weekly shopping run .
I played No Mans Sky in co-op mode for the 1st time with the Cheeky Dutch Pixy who has been kind enough to introduce me to co-op gaming.
The experience was disrupted when an old Playstation Friend of CDPs joined us & my ASD triggered like a bomb going off ! I shrank away from both the new comer & my friend. I came close to turning off the playstation , but settled for flying off to the far side of the planet & changing all the privacy settings.
I fear that I may have scared my friend with some of the the things that I did & said, not that they were terribly terrible, but I am aware that my friend has her own battle with ASD (or ASS as it is in the Netherlands) & that was never my intention , but I had no real control over my reaction. I sincerely hope that a) CDP 🧚♀️ will forgive me & b) that in time I will learn tools & techniques to help me deal with such things.
A friend on Mastodon spoke of spoons, & the disconnect between the apparent & physical levels of exhaustion felt by some ND folk. I don’t know if this is a thing for me. I know that I never feel fully refreshed by sleep , but is that just me ?
This afternoon was a quiet one, a few chores & then a Downton Abbey double bill, with chinese takeaway & cider in the intermission.
Watching Downton Abbey: New Era , Violet has just died & my sentimental side is in full flow 😭, I’m such a soft squirrel on the quiet!
Final Thoughts:
The full force of my Social Interaction Impairment element of the ASD Triad hit me like a spade in the face today, the force & speed of the trigger was, in retrospect , quite scary.
The idea of ‘having enough spoons’ was raised again, I have yet to fully understand this concept & wether it applies to me.
When I started my ASD journey I’m not sure I fully understood what I would encounter & what I would learn along the way. This is intriguing, fascinating & frightening almost in equal measure !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Hey I spoke to my Dad on the phone , failed miserably at updating some automation & wonder to what extent ASD can drive impulses.
To be honest absolutely nothing of particular note has happened today.
Oh I guess I have managed to keep a diary of sorts for a little over a month ! 🥳
I spoke to my Dad on the phone (I called him - achievement! ) regarding him coming over with my baby sister to complete the ASD Informants questionnaire on Sunday .
I txted my Bestie regarding nothing in particular , just a nice chat , enjoying one another’s company.
I kinda firmed up a friendship with a Peep on here that had gone through rough seas , but which is now in much calmer waters & this cheers me up no end. 😊
I’m trying to re-write some automation to take advantage of the new facilities provided by the new phone & IOS 17, but it’s been hard to concentrate thru the fog of painkillers.
I’m in severe danger of getting excessively nerdy here so I’ll see if I can find another train of thought to follow. . .
I wonder if ASD has an impact on impulse control, I foolishly undertook some minor diy yesterday afternoon because my back felt a bit better & it was only a ‘small job’. In reality it meant lifting 13.5 kg of awkwardness & mounting it on a wall. I achieved this , but paid for it today because I just exacerbated the damage to my back 🙄🤦♂️
I’m casting about for another reason other than simple stupidity. 🙄🤦♂️
Final Thoughts:
Well the last 3 days have been exceptionally unexceptional , I can almost hear peeps yawning as they ponder whether watching paint dry on a waterfall would be a better use of their time.
Note to self, avoid writing diary when drunk & still under the vague influence of codeine, it’s really not a good look !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 32 Thursday 30/11/23
TL:DR Honestly folks the summary would be longer than the main entry 😆
Another quiet day, chatting with my Bestie this morning then giving her some emotional support this afternoon .
My back is still super painful , but getting better I think.
Did some miscellaneous bits & bobs this afternoon once my bestie had gone to bed nothing too stressful or strenuous .
My autism is becoming more recognisable as time goes on , the way I organise stuff, the attention to detail, the triggers for fairly minor stuff. Happily the codeine high is drastically reducing the impact of triggers so making managing my reaction that bit easier. To be fair there are currently less triggers too.
Final Thoughts:
The codeine is helping me chill , if it’s active component wasn’t cocaine & it wasn’t addictive I’d be tempted to just keep taking it.
If life could continue like this indefinitely that wouldn’t be such a bad thing….
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 31 Wednesday 29/11/23
TL:DR Today I proved I had a spine - a very sore spine, but a spine nonetheless !
(No Niamh not that kind of spine 😆 )
4am starts are becoming easier, even with a sleepless night due to severe back pain.
All the plans for today got brushed under the carpet as back pain forced a day of relaxed contemplation & a bit of a social media binge.
A couple of chats with my Bestie helped the day progress nicely.
This afternoon saw a bit of mischief & chaos over on @MaJ1 s a/c which helped to polish off the day. 😊
Final Thoughts:
Given the amount of codeine floating thru my system to keep the back pain under control we’re lucky I managed 1st thoughts , let alone final ones!
Hopefully tomorrow will be less painful & involve fewer prescription drugs !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Sunshine! ☀️😁; walkies, water & what the hell is wrong with my back! In that order! ; Besties are the bees pyjamas ! 🤗🥰 ; 7500 steps towards Project WOOF are not to be sniffed at !
Today was a better day, getting up at 4am is becoming easier, settling into a pattern:
A quick trip to the smallest room is followed by a romp downstairs.
Having fought off & subsequently released the 2 Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts of Traal (aka Sophie & Alice mogs) tea is brewed & poured .
Breakfast crockery is laid out & then off back to bed.
I settle down to drink tea & chat with CDP 🧚♀️ as she returns from the gym & then sorts herself out for the day ahead.
Arwen is a lot better today so CDP 🧚♀️ is a lot happier ! 😊
This has a definite positive effect on me 😊
Mrs Squirrel is off into the office today, & in a fit of generosity & downright bravery in facing down my acrophobia, I offered to give her a lift to the edge of the city where she catches public transport into the city centre.
On the way home I stop off at one of the many reservoirs in our area & attempt to do a favourite walk around it’s shores.
7500 steps later I’m a fairly happy bunny, Project WOOF has progressed, it was a glorious walk around the reservoir, with the sun shining & no breeze to speak of.
Then I try to get back in the car & discover that somehow I’ve knackered my back !
A decent amount of intense pain across my lower back leaves me wondering how the hell I’ve managed to bugger it again!
Once home, chores are done , spine complaining wildly all the while!
A fairly healthy lunch of a tangerine & (honestly) a few handfuls of mixed nuts , washed down with corporation pop are followed by a nice long phone call with my Bestie! 😊
Who entirely fails on the ‘sympathy for the afflicted’ front! Words like ‘old’ & ‘decrepit ‘ were flung about in hilarious abandon. To be fair I did not disagree or discourage this because I was laughing too much. 😂
Once my dear friend had gone to bed I found myself not only at a lose end , but a painful lose end , so did what any right minded person would do & cleaned the bathroom. This may have been a straw too far if you get my drift…. sod breaking a camel’s back , mine exploded & suggested resting may be in order.
The rest as they say is history, I picked up Mrs Squirrel, cooked tea & collapsed in the recliner for the evening.
Final Thoughts:
In the interests of not sounding like a broken record I missed the almost obligatory trigger points that were tripped for me by a certain someone today. Needless to say this afternoon could have lived without that.
Walking is definitely helping in a number of ways, although doing my back in again is not one of them! I’m going to hit the codeine tonight , & I have to take a fairly high dose, so expect a slightly manic squirrel in the morning & then a bit of a crash landing, probably tomorrow afternoon.
I find the feedback I’m getting to my diary deeply supportive & very helpful, so please keep it coming. 🙏 🤗🥰
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR A grey day, with brief flashes of sunlight; New friends on the horizon, replacing those that fail the test of humanity; I go to bed not knowing if I want to awaken. SAD + PDD + ASD = MEH
Today has been such a grey day in all respects, although a tiny chink of light shone thru about tea time.
This morning started with worries about one woman & her dog, forming a stronger than average bond with a friend to make them a Bestie has a price to pay - the price of caring! I’m really not a dog person, but there is a certain chocolate Labrador that has snuck in under the radar! .
Then it rained , & rained & just for a bit of variety it rained ! I’m not saying it was wet, but the Koi in the pond was putting up a brolly last time I saw him !
Mrs Squirrel was working from home so the peace of the house was regularly broken as she wondered past in her own little world.
One of the things I have noticed is that talking about triggering events usually involves having to involve a certain other member of the household, & it just seems like childish tale-telling. Which is frustrating & a trigger in itself ! It’s a catch 22 situation seemingly!
There was some light relief mid morning thru mid afternoon as I chatted with Peeps on here, & had a laugh.😊
I tried to play Fallout 4, but couldn’t concentrate & ultimately fell asleep for an hour.
I caught up with my best friend as she made ready to go to bed, she & yon Lab are a lot better which was a relief.
We had pizza for tea, but ,with Project WOOF at the forefront of my mind ,it lacked that certain je ne sais qui.
The high point of the day was getting an email regarding some pre-assessment forms & interviews , bringing a formal diagnosis that bit closer.
As part of this I need to get my Dad to fill out a questionnaire so a Paternal visit is on the immediate horizon.
I am fascinated though that a professional MH Social Health worker of my acquaintance seems to know nearly nothing about autism , I’ve read ½ a book on the subject & it appears I know much more than them !? That said in the past the self same person has claimed not to know any psychiatrists. I do wonder if this is not a ploy to avoid getting involved.
Had a brief chat with someone I’m newly sharing a TL with , we seem to be cut from similar circuit boards and I hope he can cope with my sense of humour & general weirdness !😊
On the flip side someone I share a TL made a really nasty joke at the expense of another Peep, I rarely block people, but I will not tolerate outright trolling of one of my Peeps. There is enough hatred out in the world in general without having to have it splashed on my TL.
SAD is kicking big time tonight, in an extremely ‘MEH’ mood, I’m going to bed when I publish this , there is too much world & too many people in it for me to engage with tonight 😔
Final Thoughts:
I hate late Autumn/Winter, it’s dark, grey , cold & horrible ! I think I’m totally channeling Marvin the Paranoid Android tonight .
My world seemed in chaos today, one moment a high, the next a deep low. I am struggling to make sense of it all , and at the heart of everything a storm is brewing that may drown me or give me a new lease of life, only time will tell.
My TL;DR seems grim, but I will be back tomorrow , likely a lot more my Squirrelly self ,so don’t worry. 🤗🥰
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR 4am is in fact a real time of the morning 😆 ; Shopping is so much easier when shops are empty ! ; It really does not take a lot to spin my mood around ! ; Erm is it a good thing to feel like someone has just rammed a pipe cleaner thru your heart ?
Up at 4am , read & chatted with my closest friend until 8am.
Then a relaxed breakfast & some chatting on Mastodon led on to a trip to Costco.
It was super busy with queues not seen since the pandemic !
It was a little too crowded for me & either the number of other people in there or the lights set off a dizzy spell with a helping of nausea. So even though I went in with an eye for a Black Friday bargain we weren’t in there long enough.
The afternoon was a little challenging , a close friend was deeply upset by her dog being unwell, which because they are so close I felt too, this is absolutely not their fault , simply a cascading reaction to a furry friend in distress. Love to them both ! 🫂
Then multiple triggers were set off at home, nothing too serious but enough to make me change my mind about sticking to ‘corporation pop’ & moving to something a deal stronger. 🫤
The evening finished with the last instalment of the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean ’ fest & then a mad dash to get this diary entry out !
Intermittent LHS chest pains since the 12000 step walk have been slightly worrying, but I’m still alive & my obs are all normal so nowt to worry about I hope. After much experience of my version of chest pain & A&E visits the standing order in our house is ‘it’s fine so long as I haven’t passed out!’ .
Final Thoughts:
4am is a nice time to get up, if only because I can have a sneaky snooze between 7 & 8am & still be up to make breakfast on a Sunday 😊.
I think I may have broken some plumbing slightly on my walk the other day , will try a shorter one tomorrow & see where that gets me. Not to be rude but please don’t offer ‘advice’ unless your a cardiologist with a deep knowledge of CAE . Ta 🤗🥰
It seems I can be triggered on the spin of a penny almost !
All it takes is a minor, foolish , unthinking action by another & it spoils the rest of the day. 😞
Note to the couple of folks I know who are reading this by way of trying to learn about autism in others & how to relate to them: If you trigger someone by mistake, & you notice a sudden mood swing , it might help to find out the why of it & maybe try to address the action that caused the trigger.
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 27 Saturday 25/11/23
TL:DR To wake, to game, to sleep, perchance to dream! Or something 😆
This morning was a little easier to wake up , but I’m still finding it hard to get to bed on time - to heavily addicted to Mastodon at the moment!
I did fall asleep again about 6am for an hour before Mrs Squirrel woke up so am still feeling fairly awake at 4:30pm.
Had a lovely time playing ‘It Takes 2’ with my Bestie, they have hypermobility & I’ve got the hand/eye co-ordination of a peanut, but together , with the odd lack of communication & occasional attempted murder we made it past 2 bosses! Had enormous fun 😄!
This afternoon was quieter, culminating in watching Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazars Revenge & enjoying a chinese takeaway .
I didn’t get any steps in today so Project WOOF took a bit of a hit, but tomorrow is another day.
Final Thoughts:
A really good day is a rare gift in these days of fall of empires & approaching apocalypse , I will remeber it for a good long time. 😊
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖