I had a powerful realisation about why I need to lean more into my authentic self this week.
Some of you will be aware that two of my deep interests in coaching psychology are the qualities of zest and self-regulation.
Zest relates to your motivation, energy, mojo, "vim and vigour", and a feeling of alive-ness.
Self-regulation is all about the structures, habits, principles and self-care practices you put into place in your life to feel more balanaced and settled in yourself.
A third interest is demonstrating in both theory and practice that the latter creates the former.
That is to say, if you regulate yourself, it can boost your zest.
It doesn't seem like rocket science when I put it like that, but I am the only coaching psychologist currently to say this explicitly and to be developing a theoretical framework on this - and one that can be useful and inclusive in coaching people like us.
But what I've been doing is hiding this.
I have been too scared that people won't be interested or won't find this information valuable.
As such, I've not been sharing my ideas with you - the very people they could help - to the fullest extent.
I've also had an emotional block around actually producing and publishing my research, and around writing a book - something I have always wanted to do but have not yet put into action.
Thanks to a powerful coaching conversation of my own at the weekend, I have decided to draw a line in the sand and stop hiding my autistic research interests for fear of what others will think.
I will be more authentic and, as a result, happier for being and expressing my true self more. On balance, as long as it is safe to do so, we feel better in our skin when our insides match our public outsides. Currently, this is not true for me - I am hiding parts of myself that are important to me, and it's holding me back as a researcher and a coach.
So what this all means for you lovely people on a practical level is that I'll be talking and writing much more about zest, self-regulation, and the connection between the two.
If you're low on energy and motivation, and feel this would be of interest to you, I'd love to hear below...it'll give me a sense that there are people who will benefit from more honest and open sharing of the research I do.
Over the coming months, you'll see me change my branding messages, newsletters, and blog posts to reflect more content on the topics of zest and self-regulation for neurodivergent people...and how we can foster these safely and accessibly in coaching work.
It starts today. I'm drawing the line in the sand.
Wish me luck and continued bravery on this journey! And let me know if this special focus might be of use to you!
Becci (The Neurodivergent Zest and Self-Regulation Coach...wow, I've actually said it!)
I'm trying out a higher dose of my #ADHD medication.
Yesterday, I took it at 8:30am, finished my cup of tea, sneezed, then glanced over at the clock again and saw that it was suddenly 4:45pm.
And instead of doing the work I was supposed to have done, I appear to have re-created 'Potato Jesus' as a stained-glass window. #audhd#neurodivergent@actuallyadhd @actuallyaudhd
Throughout the entire human history before modern medicine, each culture had their own version of a witch doctor, or shaman.
Regardless of which culture they appear in, these people were generally some kind of social outcast. Kept at arms length due to their utility for the communities.
Generally regarded with an apprehensive respect, they are the source of story tropes such as the wise hermit people went to for advice, or the old lady herbalist, with a temper as bitter as the concoctions she made.
These people served many functions as observers of nature, healers, keepers of calendars, and even psychotherapists of an ancient kind.
Many theories attribute the characteristics of these people, common across many quite diverse cultures, to certain neurodivergences, and some go as far as claiming they were mostly autistics.
One common thing found in almost all shamanic cultures are methods (masks, curtains, reflective surfaces etc) to make it possible for the shaman (healer, herbalist...) to talk to their patient and study their face and body without making eye contact.
The point I'm trying to make here is NOT that autistic people had important roles in communities throughout history (though this could certainly be true) but the need for people in stressful situations to avoid eye contact having been identified and accommodated long ago.
Think of the confessional box with the lattice in between the booths. What purpose does it serve other than to take the pressure off of both the priest and the penitent to make it easier for them to focus on the conversation at hand and communicate?
A part of me thinks that we are going backwards in our understanding and accommodations of vulnerable people in certain situations.
Have you ever been "warned" about a certain deadline for paperwork or payment with the threat of a monetary penalty, and thinking not having to worry about the paperwork in the first place would be worth whatever the penalty is you ask how much it would be and if you could just pay it up front, just to be looked at as if you were flaunting your wealth, when in reality you're broke, exhausted and frustrated enough to go into debt rather than worry about some bureaucrat's idea of social order?
Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m autistic and simply not good at calls. Please call back literally never. Texts and emails exist for a reason.
@AutisticAdam@actuallyautistic hahah yes!!!!!
I have my phone automatically reject calls that are not from contacts and it might be the best decision I ever made😆
Also sidebar I autistically can’t stand when peoples’ voicemails say “you have reached so-and-so” like nooo lies that is the exact opposite of what has happened😭
On World Mental Health Day, don't forget that I have a short and (I'm told) interesting podcast episode on neurodivergence and mental health.
Take a look if you've got 12 minutes to spare to build your understanding of how mental health can show up for different brains, and to reflect on what you want and need.
Hey neurodivergent friends - we've got a lot of good places to discuss across fedi and I've been thinking that we don't always have a place the share with each other across groups for specific conditions. Maybe there is and I just haven't found it yet 😅
At any rate, I made a group for us: @neurodivergents
I like that they have basic moderation, which can help conversations. I'm not trying to impose my own will on anyone, and I envision it as a self-governing community group
@hellomiakoda ‘s thread about visual imagination reminded me of something I realized yesterday. I was talking to my wife about taking things apart as a kid, to see what’s inside and how I hate electronics as a field of technology. I don’t hate the devices and their functionality. I hate the way electronics work.
Let me elaborate.
As a child, I was very interested in how devices worked and liked to open things up, take them apart and put them back together. With mechanical devices, this has always been easy for me because I can see how the parts move and interact with each other, thus I can see their function and make sense of the whole thing easily. It is fixable if something isn’t destroyed but only misaligned for example, and I can readily identify what can’t be fixed without a new part.
Then one day, I opened up my first small fm radio. It was the biggest disappointment of my life up to that point. There were no moving parts with discernible functions. Nothing made sense because I couldn’t watch how they worked. I could see the components but they were completely opaque to me as to what their individual and collective functions were.
I remember feeling so utterly cheated. The world had invented something that I couldn’t figure out, by myself, as a six year old, and therefore I hated it.
I still find electronics boring to the extreme, even though I learned enough about the field to understand how they work. No visibly moving parts (electrons don’t count), nothing to look at, nothing to keep my interest going.
I spent my working life in electronics, hardware and software. And I loved it. We can't see electrons, but we can't see air or emotion either. There are plenty of things in our wonderful and glorious world that we cannot apprehend with any ease.
The thing that gave me the most pleasure was design, another thing that is not immediately visible or obvious.
I sympathise with your frustration, but perhaps life's just like that, sometimes?
Reflecting this morning on the specific ways growing up undiagnosed autistic can lead to distrust of other humans. It's incredibly confusing to have so many demands/expectations of both your peers and people you're supposed to look up to lead to pain and discomfort, and even more alienating when you can't communicate about it in a way that those people would be able to understand because they don't experience life in the same way.
If this resonates with you, my inner child would like to offer your inner child a hug - no pressure or expectations. ❤️🩹
Shopping clothes is a huge issue for me. What I sometimes describe as "clothing store phobia", can perhaps be broke down to:
(Fear of) sensory overload: harsh lighting, music, advertisements, amounts of clothes and information to process
Anxiety because of uncertainty (e.g. about the available products and their prices)
Social phobia: Sometimes there are a lot of people in shops. Will they judge me for being "weird" (queer & neurodiverse)? Will I be brave enough to ask the sellers if I have some question? What if someone interacts with me and my brain shuts down?
Agoraphobia
Perhaps lightly traumatic experiences from sensory overload from previous store visits
I previously wrote about this issue on Mastodon, and I included some of the advice I got from there: https://todon.eu/@maxi/110338158852163385 (Unfortunately, part 2 of that toot got auto-deleted, but it only was about how to find a personal style)
I also got a lot of good advice from hashtags and groups!
I went in blind and didn't think I'd score too high because as far as I understand what monotropism proposes, I didn't think it fit my profile very well. I tried to answer the questions as accurately as I could, without overthinking.
Well...
The result says I'm more monotropic than 73% of autistic people and 98% of allistic people.
I guess I was misunderstanding what monotropism would feel like, if these results are anywhere near accurate, because I'm quite surprised, to say the least.
Would anyone else like to chime in and discuss this with me a bit? This result was not at all what I was expecting.
"Nah, I don't stim!"
"Is THIS stimming?"
"I stim, therefore I am"
-from "Initiation Rites for the Late-Identified #ActuallyAutistic "-
I really thought I don't stim. I don't rock or flap my hands or jump or chew things or make stimmy sounds.
Of course, I do softly grind my teeth (sometimes I may wear night guard during daytime too), wiggle my toes or legs, enjoy knitting simple patterns (= the same repetitive motion), fidget like there's no tomorrow with any small object I can get my hands on and may start picking my nails if I can't find anything else, doodle, I might undo my hair and braid it while watching TV, or braid tassels of my throw blanket...
Stimming is healthy and good for you. Do it.
If -as is the case with many late-identified autists- you have suppressed your stims or been pressured to stop and feel like you have forgotten how to stim, then try to start again. Learn about different stims and just try different ones until you find something that does the trick for you.
@ReimanSaara It’s the same issue we often face just being recognized by NT. “You can’t be autistic… you can speak and look into my eyes…” There may certainly be commonalities but we are diverse in our #neurodivergence. It makes sense that the way we #stim doesn’t fit into neat preconceived boxes.
@actuallyautistic@allautistics #ActuallyAutistic#AuDHD
i want to try a little bit of a resume after a few years of unmasking.
I've changed considerably. My style of masking had a lot to do with suppressing my own needs and being, nice - typically female socialization. It's a huge relief to untangle that an let it go. Ongoing process.
I have been confronted with rejection sometimes. I have to learn to navigate the apprehensive reactions when I'm obviously different and autistic. It's a style of being that I used to only observe in male neurodivergents, that I was close to. Its a rather new experience and as I let go of the pressure that made me mask, I undo a lot of subconscious decisions that I've made before I could even think properly. Probably in early childhood. That process also brings up fear sometimes. Like feeling exposed or insecure of what or who I am.
So I have to navigate both, not matching peoples expectations of how a woman should behave and not matching them as to how "normal" should be performed.The two masks are too intertwined to always know them apart. As a consequence I risk clashing with men much faster. I am even more acutely aware of their habitual ways to assert power in all these minor social ways... bit unsettling. It's a whole new set of skills to navigate that and figure out how much irritation will I cause when I do x and is that o.k., or do I make it easier for myself if I don't..Like learning a new social skill.
The core thing is that I have so much more awareness of what is really going on in me and what my wants and needs are. It's a different thing to play social as long as I have the conscious choice to do it or not do it. If you grew up masking, you don't have that. I feel I have taken it back.
life does not get easier.But also not harder. But my private life is freer and happier. And maybe life did not get easier because I'm still in the adjustment phase.I feel like these past few years of autistic unmasking were a transition and I am about to find anew form, I can move forward with. I have an inkling that it has also a lot to do with everything not getting easier right now. For most people.
I don't think I had a choice. Once I had started on this path, it just felt so right. It is healing. It is full of revelations. It brings me closer to my personal truth. But not everyone around you will like that change. But that is to be expected. Lately I feel, like if I'm putting my feet on the ground for the first time ever, properly. Like if some fog has cleared up. I'm more"in the world". Those lingering subconscious illusions of "I will magically become normal one day" are gone. My energy is more focused on reality as a consequence.
Spirituality is important to me. It may also have been a safe space and a bit of an escape where I could be as sensitive as I am. A flag to sail under and be neurodivergent AF without naming it. (seeing, feeling, experiencing things, inner realities , other dimensions, whatever you want to call it) I don't need the escape so much anymore. That changed my ways of expressing my inner perceptions. Like if I'm more certain about what place this has in my life and in my person.
One more important term is shame. There used to be this need to hide parts of myself and I did not even know why. Social embarrassment. And that is changing. It's still tough to be in those situations where I used to feel embarrassed so much, that I would mask it all away, and not do it. Not do the masking. Let it come up and dissolve in me instead. And navigate the social contact in a new way. It's a bit wild. But I like it.
How did your unmasking-journey go?
@actuallyautistic#ActuallyAutistic so many thanks to those who have made feel feel heard and welcome here in the past weeks. the story thus far: 41 years of "muddling thru" depression, anxiety, misc mysterious health problems, etc when one day a new friend (very rare!) shared with me that they are autistic, and respectfully asked me if i might be too.
this [re]kindled lots of thoughts and feels and sent me down a path of recognizing and uncovering some fairly autistic-seeming traits and behaviors that i had been ignoring or suppressing. i have lately been thinking of myself as "provisionally autistic" which is how i'm trying to walk this line between, one the one hand, not mentally framing Autism As One True The Explanation For Everything and stretching things to try to force them to fit; and, on the other hand, not giving in to Autistic Imposter Syndrome. i want "provisionally autistic" to be a comfortable in-between place where i can "let myself be as autistic as i am" without "trying to be autistic when i'm not" and just observe myself and see how it goes. if that makes any sense?
but (and this is a question mainly to all you late/recent adult [self/]dx folks out there, but of course also anyone else who wants to respond):
How do you KNOW?
i'm stuck in this place where lots of things seem relatable and plausible but there is no sense of AHA IT FITS. there's no THIS FINALLY EXPLAINS IT. i know it's early for me yet -- i've been taking this seriously for weeks not years -- and i probably have to be patient with myself . . . but ggghhhghg.
maybe i'm just venting? i don't know. i'm having a day.
"i want "provisionally autistic" to be a comfortable in-between place where i can "let myself be as autistic as i am" without "trying to be autistic when i'm not" and just observe myself and see how it goes. if that makes any sense?"
Oh, that makes a great deal of sense, and you have expressed it beautifully.
You also sound an awful lot like an autistic person, from your post... 👍😀 A 'provisional' welcome to our dance! 🤣
But I'm not sure that a degree is an assurance of knowledge (of autism or neurodivergence). Even Simon Baron-Cohen, known as a world authority on autism (🤢), only gets it right about half the time.
The problem is that he does not consult people with autism, but proclaims his opinions about us anyway.
Autism is difficult for me to understand, and I'm autistic. 😉
@halfbit_@toyman0806@vee@actuallyautistic
A typical work day begins with lies (“how are you?” “Good”), ends with lies (“hope you have a great weekend!”), and is littered with hundreds of others between.
IME, we ASD folk seem to be the only ones bothered by it.
They pretend to not see it. But that’s them lying to themselves first, the world around them second.
Nearly all autists have a deep — really deep — commitment to honesty, that NTs do not share. They communicate as they do because that's how everyone (except us) does it. They don't recognise their dishonesty, even though their speech and actions are riddled with it.
How some sympathy. It's not their fault. They were born like that. Just be thankful you're #autistic. 😉
I feel a fixation on work brewing. I had trouble getting to sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about a thing I'm working on right now at work.
The last fixation I had lasted four solid months, from March to June.
Usually they burn me out really badly... so much so that it often takes months to recover and I'm hard pressed to remember having more than one fixation a year.
So... another one coming on within a couple of months feels exceptional, and that's kind of interesting in itself, especially given that the last couple of months since the last one ended have been spent better understanding myself as being #ActuallyAutistic.
The other interesting thing is how I'm developing the ability to see the signs ahead of time. I'm still not sure what to do with it though... let it run its course, try and regulate it, ...?
@GreenRoc I regularly have “the talk” with my son, who already has a bone to pick with trigger happy cops. Please goddess let his drive for self-preservation overcome unfiltered sharing when his time in front of a gun arrives. 🙏🙏