I've been writing about masking and the impact on your zest this morning.
When we are authentic, what we present to the world mostly matches what we think and feel on the inside.
The pain, effort, challenge and consequences of masking come from when the gulf between who we are inside and how we go about in the public sphere is too wide to cope with.
I would never advise that anyone just "rip off" their metaphorical mask and do it without consideration for a safe, gentle, do-able way to do it.
Many people have told me - and this was also my experience - that once the mask is off, it's off and it's kind of not going back on again!
Therefore, if you desire to unmask, then it's best done gentle and intensely.
It's also important to note that in some places in the world and in some social contexts, it is easier and safer for some people to unmask than others. I acknowledge my own privilege as a white, CIS-gender woman in this respect. That is why I am always sensitive to what is safe and possible within personal contexts when it comes to discussing masking with clients.
In any case, I often find that people who are later-discovered and have masked extensively for years even mask at home, on their own. Sometimes, they don't know who their authentic self is and have lost touch with who they are "at heart".
Therefore, it's usually safe enough to start your unmasking journey by getting to know yourself now you know more about your brain. That's where a lot of my work begins.
If you know your tendencies, preferences, cognitive style, communication needs, and sensory profile, for example, it's a lot easier to have that intentional discussion about if/when you can begin to unmask...perhaps in the privacy of your own home at first.
@thequirkybraincoach@actuallyautistic this hits SO close to home! I recently told a psychiatrist (who leads the mental health Institute I visit a target/discussion/support group every 2 weeks) that "we" needed the group so much, and for an unspecified amount of time, "because you can't shovel off 40 years of shit in a couple of weeks". I'm also trying to find myself with a helper, I have no idea who I am and what/how to feel!
I had a powerful realisation about why I need to lean more into my authentic self this week.
Some of you will be aware that two of my deep interests in coaching psychology are the qualities of zest and self-regulation.
Zest relates to your motivation, energy, mojo, "vim and vigour", and a feeling of alive-ness.
Self-regulation is all about the structures, habits, principles and self-care practices you put into place in your life to feel more balanaced and settled in yourself.
A third interest is demonstrating in both theory and practice that the latter creates the former.
That is to say, if you regulate yourself, it can boost your zest.
It doesn't seem like rocket science when I put it like that, but I am the only coaching psychologist currently to say this explicitly and to be developing a theoretical framework on this - and one that can be useful and inclusive in coaching people like us.
But what I've been doing is hiding this.
I have been too scared that people won't be interested or won't find this information valuable.
As such, I've not been sharing my ideas with you - the very people they could help - to the fullest extent.
I've also had an emotional block around actually producing and publishing my research, and around writing a book - something I have always wanted to do but have not yet put into action.
Thanks to a powerful coaching conversation of my own at the weekend, I have decided to draw a line in the sand and stop hiding my autistic research interests for fear of what others will think.
I will be more authentic and, as a result, happier for being and expressing my true self more. On balance, as long as it is safe to do so, we feel better in our skin when our insides match our public outsides. Currently, this is not true for me - I am hiding parts of myself that are important to me, and it's holding me back as a researcher and a coach.
So what this all means for you lovely people on a practical level is that I'll be talking and writing much more about zest, self-regulation, and the connection between the two.
If you're low on energy and motivation, and feel this would be of interest to you, I'd love to hear below...it'll give me a sense that there are people who will benefit from more honest and open sharing of the research I do.
Over the coming months, you'll see me change my branding messages, newsletters, and blog posts to reflect more content on the topics of zest and self-regulation for neurodivergent people...and how we can foster these safely and accessibly in coaching work.
It starts today. I'm drawing the line in the sand.
Wish me luck and continued bravery on this journey! And let me know if this special focus might be of use to you!
Becci (The Neurodivergent Zest and Self-Regulation Coach...wow, I've actually said it!)
@thequirkybraincoach@actuallyautistic Interesting, I adopted a quasi monastic life through bhakti yoga and extensive self regulation. Apparently, this was the framework I needed to actualize values, passion, work, learning, serving others.
@thequirkybraincoach@actuallyautistic good luck! This sounds wonderful, I would love to see you expand on this and it would be useful for me 🩷 (pink love heart emoji)
I'm trying out a higher dose of my #ADHD medication.
Yesterday, I took it at 8:30am, finished my cup of tea, sneezed, then glanced over at the clock again and saw that it was suddenly 4:45pm.
And instead of doing the work I was supposed to have done, I appear to have re-created 'Potato Jesus' as a stained-glass window. #audhd#neurodivergent@actuallyadhd @actuallyaudhd
@Richard_Littler@actuallyadhd@actuallyaudhd I read that there is a shortage of ADHD meds in the UK right now and it is understandably causing stress for many who rely on them.
@RoboticistDuck There is in Switzerland, too. Fortunately, here you can get whichever meds you want, so if one is hard to get hold of they will give you another. I rotate 4 different meds. @actuallyadhd@actuallyaudhd
Throughout the entire human history before modern medicine, each culture had their own version of a witch doctor, or shaman.
Regardless of which culture they appear in, these people were generally some kind of social outcast. Kept at arms length due to their utility for the communities.
Generally regarded with an apprehensive respect, they are the source of story tropes such as the wise hermit people went to for advice, or the old lady herbalist, with a temper as bitter as the concoctions she made.
These people served many functions as observers of nature, healers, keepers of calendars, and even psychotherapists of an ancient kind.
Many theories attribute the characteristics of these people, common across many quite diverse cultures, to certain neurodivergences, and some go as far as claiming they were mostly autistics.
One common thing found in almost all shamanic cultures are methods (masks, curtains, reflective surfaces etc) to make it possible for the shaman (healer, herbalist...) to talk to their patient and study their face and body without making eye contact.
I’d like to discuss why I think the witch doctor/shaman character is sort of a social outcast as a topic in itself one of these days. I’ll bookmark this to remind me, if that’s ok for you.
We can also discuss the rise of imperialism and its effects on social interaction between people. That’s a very interesting area I’d like to know more about :)
@CynAq@actuallyautistic extremely, tempting, but I won't forgive myself if I don't put the phone down and get some stuff done. So please do bookmark for later!!
A lot of my conclusions in the area are informed by Dr Robert Sapolsky's work on the biology of behaviour and the psychology of marketing (I've read a lot of stuff that cites manufacturing consent but haven't made it through the book myself yet. For being a genius at language, Chomsky is the opposite of an engaging communicator... Lol)
I'd describe my inner stream as continually thinking/planning & trying to find the right words to convey ideas (continuous editing); plus thinking about how I think & what I think - so meta cognition.
If I suspect emotional activity may be occurring I'll think about & try to describe to myself what state I might be in.
I relate less to inner narrators describing action & perception.
On World Mental Health Day, don't forget that I have a short and (I'm told) interesting podcast episode on neurodivergence and mental health.
Take a look if you've got 12 minutes to spare to build your understanding of how mental health can show up for different brains, and to reflect on what you want and need.
That was reallly interesting to listen to, and I love the podcast name, too :-) Definitely going to give the reflection questions at the end some thoughts later, thank you very much!
Reflecting this morning on the specific ways growing up undiagnosed autistic can lead to distrust of other humans. It's incredibly confusing to have so many demands/expectations of both your peers and people you're supposed to look up to lead to pain and discomfort, and even more alienating when you can't communicate about it in a way that those people would be able to understand because they don't experience life in the same way.
If this resonates with you, my inner child would like to offer your inner child a hug - no pressure or expectations. ❤️🩹
@actuallyautistic@autistics@orangegoldgreen I hear you!! Life is still confusing but at least I have a framework within which I can try to make sense of it!
@Vincarsi@guidedbywire@cynaq@actuallyautistic@actuallyadhd I don’t talk about burnout or whatever I just say “I’m not going to be able to stay after this time, I can do this but not that, yes I do this and I am going to keep doing this.” And I don’t volunteer any explanations about why or apologize about it because that just gives people an opportunity to argue with me.
@MisuseCase@guidedbywire@cynaq@actuallyautistic@actuallyadhd yeah, maybe that was my problem. I would over explain why I needed them to be patient with me and I guess they received that as Trauma-dumping. I'll never know for sure, cause instead of addressing the issue plainly they just got passive-aggressive and I was not in a state to be able to navigate that then
@johnnyprofane1@actuallyautistic the weird thing was that since I became homeless, I found my tribe. I’m surrounded by other autistic women who’ve gathered around me as if I have a fricking clue. (I do not.) And the ADHD women threaten to eat any social worker who makes me cry. No one stares at me if I stim, but I can’t really stim because my EDS is out of control and I’m in too much pain.
I went in blind and didn't think I'd score too high because as far as I understand what monotropism proposes, I didn't think it fit my profile very well. I tried to answer the questions as accurately as I could, without overthinking.
Well...
The result says I'm more monotropic than 73% of autistic people and 98% of allistic people.
I guess I was misunderstanding what monotropism would feel like, if these results are anywhere near accurate, because I'm quite surprised, to say the least.
Would anyone else like to chime in and discuss this with me a bit? This result was not at all what I was expecting.
@cynaq@actuallyautistic I’ve done this one before and I always score really high on it (207/235; 77%/99%). I take it with a grain of salt as the person who developed it said they are just a bored webdev. But apparently there has been some validation of it.
I find my ability to focus on something and eventually do it really well enlivening and self-regulating, and feel it is a strength, but sometimes I can over-do and wear myself out, forget to eat, etc. so I’ve learned balance.
@cynaq@neversosimple@actuallyautistic
when I enter a room, I perceive that wholeness conciously nad then I have to stop my self from going deeper into the mood of every single person and every other layer of everything in that room or I'll never make the first step in it. ( as long as my social person is working #ll then smile, make I contact and find an appropriate greeting, and then maybe run into a chair, stumble, blush, sit down and take a deep breath.)
@actuallyautistic@allautistics #ActuallyAutistic#AuDHD
i want to try a little bit of a resume after a few years of unmasking.
I've changed considerably. My style of masking had a lot to do with suppressing my own needs and being, nice - typically female socialization. It's a huge relief to untangle that an let it go. Ongoing process.
I have been confronted with rejection sometimes. I have to learn to navigate the apprehensive reactions when I'm obviously different and autistic. It's a style of being that I used to only observe in male neurodivergents, that I was close to. Its a rather new experience and as I let go of the pressure that made me mask, I undo a lot of subconscious decisions that I've made before I could even think properly. Probably in early childhood. That process also brings up fear sometimes. Like feeling exposed or insecure of what or who I am.
So I have to navigate both, not matching peoples expectations of how a woman should behave and not matching them as to how "normal" should be performed.The two masks are too intertwined to always know them apart. As a consequence I risk clashing with men much faster. I am even more acutely aware of their habitual ways to assert power in all these minor social ways... bit unsettling. It's a whole new set of skills to navigate that and figure out how much irritation will I cause when I do x and is that o.k., or do I make it easier for myself if I don't..Like learning a new social skill.
The core thing is that I have so much more awareness of what is really going on in me and what my wants and needs are. It's a different thing to play social as long as I have the conscious choice to do it or not do it. If you grew up masking, you don't have that. I feel I have taken it back.
life does not get easier.But also not harder. But my private life is freer and happier. And maybe life did not get easier because I'm still in the adjustment phase.I feel like these past few years of autistic unmasking were a transition and I am about to find anew form, I can move forward with. I have an inkling that it has also a lot to do with everything not getting easier right now. For most people.
I don't think I had a choice. Once I had started on this path, it just felt so right. It is healing. It is full of revelations. It brings me closer to my personal truth. But not everyone around you will like that change. But that is to be expected. Lately I feel, like if I'm putting my feet on the ground for the first time ever, properly. Like if some fog has cleared up. I'm more"in the world". Those lingering subconscious illusions of "I will magically become normal one day" are gone. My energy is more focused on reality as a consequence.
Spirituality is important to me. It may also have been a safe space and a bit of an escape where I could be as sensitive as I am. A flag to sail under and be neurodivergent AF without naming it. (seeing, feeling, experiencing things, inner realities , other dimensions, whatever you want to call it) I don't need the escape so much anymore. That changed my ways of expressing my inner perceptions. Like if I'm more certain about what place this has in my life and in my person.
One more important term is shame. There used to be this need to hide parts of myself and I did not even know why. Social embarrassment. And that is changing. It's still tough to be in those situations where I used to feel embarrassed so much, that I would mask it all away, and not do it. Not do the masking. Let it come up and dissolve in me instead. And navigate the social contact in a new way. It's a bit wild. But I like it.
How did your unmasking-journey go?
What has changed, though, is becoming consciously aware of it and macromanaging it. Paying attention to my social battery and getting myself tf out of there if it's too low.
Betterthan the old way of masking until I'm exhausted and then meltdown, all the while veing unaware wtf is going on with me.
I feel a fixation on work brewing. I had trouble getting to sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about a thing I'm working on right now at work.
The last fixation I had lasted four solid months, from March to June.
Usually they burn me out really badly... so much so that it often takes months to recover and I'm hard pressed to remember having more than one fixation a year.
So... another one coming on within a couple of months feels exceptional, and that's kind of interesting in itself, especially given that the last couple of months since the last one ended have been spent better understanding myself as being #ActuallyAutistic.
The other interesting thing is how I'm developing the ability to see the signs ahead of time. I'm still not sure what to do with it though... let it run its course, try and regulate it, ...?
I wouldn't say I've got an optimal strategy. I'm sure other may suggest ways to mitigate the burn outs.
The sleeplessness from the excitement is very relatable. Being sleep deprived is a major factor to burn out, so maybe find an aid or medication to help during this episode.
The single best way to support neurodivergent people, in the workplace and in life, is to educate yourself about the different forms of neurodivergence.
Learn about the needs, strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, perspectives, and, most importantly, lived experiences of neurodivergent people.
The right way to do this is to listen to neurodivergent people. Follow us on social media. Read our blogs. Get to know us IRL. If you aren't listening to us, you aren't learning about us; you are only learning other people's opinions about us.
As with any minority group, learning about neurodivergent people will force you to reassess many assumptions about people and society that you don't even realize you hold. You will grow as a person. And that is exactly what we need from you.
@brainpilgrim@actuallyautistic
Probably, if you talking about perfectly understanding and laying out what needs to be done and what proper strategies are to achieve it and then doing nothing of that and instead getting lost about some oddly specific topic that feels like the most important in my life and will have no resonance the next month.