What is the most unhelpful advice you have received?
I’ll go first: “You have to have children when you’re young,” told to me when I was in my late 20s, with no desire to ever have kids, and no means to support them, by someone divorced multiple times with at least one adult child who does not speak to them.
Also: Responding to “How do I deal with this problem?” questions with “Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s enough that you’re even thinking about it!”
“Nothing happens in god’s world by mistake.” “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Etc etc.
When 1 in 6 women has been sexually assaulted in their lives (and many men and NB folks), that’s a really fucked up thing to say. You never know what someone’s been through, and I’ve personally been through a lot of awful things. I guess it helps some people to tell themselves this kind of shit, but it is impossible to me to think of any kind of meaning that would make being a victim of violent crime “positive” or “worth it” or “a learning experience” blah blah blah. I think the term for that is “toxic positivity.”
So either “everything happens for a reason” is utter bullshit, or god is a sadistic fucking asshole.
I’m a Christian but I support the school of thought that says “shit happens”.
Another problem with the thinking “everything happens for a reason” is that it can lead to belief in “the just world”. When one thinks that life is fair you start to believe that bad things only happens to bad people, ie they deserve it.
And not me directly, but some years ago when my friend and I were both desperately seeking work, and running up against the “you need experience to get a job to gain experience” conundrum. His mentor told him to stop being so precious, and get a boring corporate job with a pension, maybe one that would pay his law school tuition. It wasn’t a thing yet, but wow, it would have been the perfect time to reply, “OK, Boomer.”
That’s like when they tell you to “pound the pavement” and ask to speak to the manager when you bring back your hard copy job application in person. It’s hard to even continue a conversation with someone who’s that out of touch.
It’s not wrong, but spectacularly unhelpful. I mean, a brain surgeon has to be confident to go cutting into somebody’s head, but clearly that’s not enough, right? Confidence as a romantically-attractive quality is a very particular (and peculiar) performance. Going to a party 110% certain of one’s own value, sitting in a corner with a confident set of one’s jaw, and silently waiting for the ladies to form a queue is…
…sufficient, apparently, because you just to be confident.
My dad once told me that if my relationship with god was good, my grades would take care of themselves. I know what he meant was, “if you do the things god wants you to do, you’ll also be doing well in school”, but it’s still horrible advice.
More recently, my mother-in-law has been saying to my wife that she wishes that my wife could have faith in god’s plan because it just helps her in own life so much. I always roll my eyes at this. If there is a god, and he has a plan, his plan sucks ass and he plays favorites for sure.
Ah yes, my ADHD ass will just magically find this focus thing you speak of instead of the long and brutal process of finding the right combination of meds and therapy. Problem solved. /s
Seems to be the case for most mental ailments. It’s hard for some people to grasp that other people experience life completely differently. It took me a long time and some very patient people to finally teach me that.
I have a very progressive siblings who is very pro-mental health and all that, but she never fails to mention how “those meds are so bad for you!” Yeah. I mean… I guess. The alternative is me being unable to care for myself. But whatever.
“Try exercising!”
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
People just. don’t. get it. And they need to acknowledge that they don’t. It’s fine!! Just don’t try to act like we’re on the same level playing field. We’re not!
Agreed, also people need to know how literal having “poor mental health” is. The margin you have for extra load or bad things happening is so much smaller. Similar to how an unexpected bill will be shoulder shrug for someone with good economy and a disaster for someone with bad economy.
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
Is that what that is? I’m in my 40s and trying to get diagnosed, and the possible ADHD has got worse over the last few years. I’ve gone through periods of weeks where I’m really struggling to get out of bed, and they coincide with each other.
Depression is also a condition that can cause this. Get a full health screening before you go fully looking into a diagnosis, but definitely keep it in mind if, physically, things turn up normal.
Also keep in mind that depression & anxiety can be comorbid with ADHD, which can often lead to frustrating misdiagnosis and being put onto medications that may not work quote right (if you choose to go that route). Hell, I’ve been told that “[you] don’t have ADHD – it’s trauma! PTSD!” As if the constant invalidatation of my condition wasn’t one of the reasons in part that led to my mistreatment and development of PTSD.
I hope that you are able to get answers soon and have things improve!
Oh yes, such as “just form good habits”…
Sorry, I’m incapable of making habits.
Or “think how good it will feel when you’re done”.
Sorry, best I can do is feel enough anxiety over not having done the thing that it will outweigh the anxiety I feel regarding doing the thing".
And if you’re really “lucky” it turns into PDA, “pathological demand avoidance” or as I prefer to call it “pervasive drive for autonomy”. Worst case you enter fight or flight mode due to any demands on you. My feeling is that it’s a understandable reaction to the feelings of anxiety demands have pushed on you over the years.
I mean, good advice if it’s for someone who’s prone to build codependent relationships. Which still, no one but a professional therapist should be diagnosing.
That doesn’t really say much though. “Never use cement to fill a pillow” is also crappy advice for someone that feels lonely but can be considered very good advice for someone thats considering filling their pillow with cement.
I think it can be helpful as a first sentence, but it needs more. “By loving yourself, I mean treat yourself better. Get a style and work it. Work out occasionally. Eat better. Find a hobby. Find another. If you want somebody else to love you, you have to first take care of yourself or nobody will think you could take care of them. Secondly, you have to make yourself into a person that’s interesting because anybody can be nice. You need more than nice. Third, having a life is how you meet people, and you gotta meet 'em before you can ask 'em out. That’s why you have to love yourself first.”
Some of the churches where I live have a big banner outside that says, “Try praying”. It strikes me as comically desperate. Imagine a car dealership with a “Try driving” banner, a restaurant with “Try eating”.
Meditation is better advice. By which I mean doing the exercises to approach grounding oneself in the present, sensing and feeling things from that perspective, instead of the YESTERDAY and TOMORROW clashing storms inside our minds.
But one can't just start meditating one day - "from zero to sixty", so to speak - and expect immediate results. It's a discipline, like brushing your teeth every day.
“Try again.” Particularly involving schoolwork. Derelict teachers then complained when the result of trying again would be identical, to the letter, for the same reasons as the first time. But teach? They did not.
When I used to make notes because I don’t retain information instantly my boss said “Just don’t forget” I exclaimed: “Thanks, I’m cured!” The office got a laugh but it still bothers me that he thought it was a choice
For me it’s the opposite, at school I was forced to take notes. Teacher would give me bad grades if they saw me not talking notes. But notes are completely useless for me, and if I take notes I don’t understand the lecture. So I started the habit to sketch on notebooks pretending to take notes. Schools can be pretty stupid
The usual acne related ones, like washing my face more or using tooth paste on my spots. Turns out clearasil won’t fix your hormones.
Use olive oil instead of sun screen because it works better than SPF and isn’t full of chemicals.
When taking a taxi on a short stop over in Dubai, the taxi driver told me not to have blue hair (which I had) or no man will ever want me, while my then boyfriend was also sitting in the taxi, masquerading as my husband (we were wearing rings and just letting people assume we were married, which everyone did. Including the taxi driver!)
Work related: don’t make my code too “complicated” or my one coworker can’t understand it (read: my coworker doesn’t know what async means, and instead of him learning, I’m just not ever meant to do anything async… When processing huge amounts of data… Also, error handling is too hard, don’t do that either) yes, I will forever be salty about this. He deleted weeks worth of work while I had covid because he didn’t even try to understand it - his reasoning being “it doesn’t work anyway, so there’s no point in understanding or learning what I’m doing”
I typed a long reply, forgot to hit send and my reply is gone lol
But yeah, we actually do use git. I was brought into the team to be the git “expert” of the team. But while I was away, not only did he delete my work, he replaced it with something that can’t work in the long term and then presented it to my boss, stake holder equivalent and the non-technical testers as the final version. His implementation was “finished”, mine was not and I was too angry to look at his work. So in the end, I made it crystal clear that this can never happen again and I made it super clear to everyone involved in the project that my responsibility lies in the X part, and if someone needs something done for the Y part, they are to go to my co-worker. So like a clear division of responsibility.
I also don’t have the time to un-fuck up his work. I asked him to integrate certain parts of the original implementation, but he threw a tantrum and yelled that I have no right to tell him what to do. (Ok but even if I were telling him what to do, I have 6 years of experience and a CS degree on his 1 year and no formal training, so like…)
Someone did that to my whole project. I had catefully migrated all the source control to a new and improved system. Out boss decided which project went into which organization.
Some idiot went and intentionally deleted a project I was meant to do maintenance because he had decided all by himself that it wasn’t meant to be there.
I had to do a long train ride to the idiot’s office for a training and when he told me what he did (proudly!) I gave him the sort of verbal bollocking I have never done before or since.
To the point where he contacted our boss to complain. I got a call from my boss to excuse himself on behalf of the idiot.
A game changer I had for acne as a teen was putting a new towel on my pillow every night. My pillow was likely riddled with Cutibacterium acnes from sleeping with acne.
It helped another friend with an acne problem as well.
Mind you that bacteria isn’t always the cause of acne, but it’s worth trying this trick for any people out there going through it.
Same. The amount of times I’ve heard “have you tried Proactiv?” as though it wasn’t the first thing I went and bought when I was 15 is just aggravating. The fact that not even doctors seem to know much about the internal causes of acne and how to treat it is really just embarrassing.
I’ve also heard the “change your pillowcase” thing far too often. If your pillowcase is so dirty that it’s the one thing that stands between you having acne and not having acne, then it sounds like you might have bigger issues lol.
tho to be fair “change your pillowcase” is probably a decent bit of advice for a lot of teen boys in particular. I knew a lot of guys in college who only washed their sheets once a semester. 🤢 It’s the “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” of acne advice.
That would have been actually useful advice! I actually did start doing that a couple of years ago, and it really did help. It didn’t clear it up, but the acne hasn’t been quite as aggressive since. I also do other things now too, so I’m in a pretty good place for my face skin at last lol
I said “you’re absolutely right” and left it at that. They were trying to get to the idea that mental illness is made up and shit like that. I don’t feed into that sort of stuff so the conversation didn’t carry on after that lol.
My dad threw a party to celebrate when I graduated university with a degree in Computer Science.
At the party, my dad’s friend took me aside and said “My nephew just got a degree in electrical engineering. Now that’s an up and coming field, you should get a degree in that.”
Like, alright buddy. Hopefully that career pays well enough for another four years of student debt. I’m still kinda in shock at how dumb of a thing to say that was.
Ah yes the brand new exciting world of electricity. Rumor on the street is they’ve got this fancy new device called a tellyfone that uses this electricity. You can talk to anyone in the world!
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