What is the most unhelpful advice you have received?
I’ll go first: “You have to have children when you’re young,” told to me when I was in my late 20s, with no desire to ever have kids, and no means to support them, by someone divorced multiple times with at least one adult child who does not speak to them.
Also: Responding to “How do I deal with this problem?” questions with “Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s enough that you’re even thinking about it!”
Nah that’s actually useful. May help the other person remember if they saw it/moved it/whatever or at least gives them a place to start helping you look for it. If they don’t know they wouldn’t be able to help question or not.
“Do something that you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”
Bullshit. I worked in the video game industry in a field I’m very passionate about with great people who were all talented. But the industry burned me out and almost killed my passion for games as a hobby with the endless unpaid overtime, constant crunch and deadlines, fairly low wage and all that investment was rewarded by eventually being let go along with all the less senior staff because our studio was bought out and the parent company told to cut expenses.
Don’t work for the video game industry, people. Make indie games by all means. But stay clear of the big names.
I have always hated that advice. While exceptions exist, there is no faster way to burn yourself out on something you love than making a career out of it. I generally do like my work (IT) now, but a lot if that is because I actively try to not even look in the direction of a computer when I am not in the office. I probably consume less tech/IT industry news now than I did before I worked in the field.
When I was a teen I worked as a waiter at a dirty smokehouse/bbq place.
One of the kitchen staff there would make sexual comments about me. Say things like “You’re lucky you look good because you’re so stupid.” And would ask what kind of underwear I was wearing.
I told my parents about it, and the advice they gave me was “Deal with it. You need a job.”
Within a month that kitchen staff member had started to grab me and sexually assaulted me.
Ah yes, my ADHD ass will just magically find this focus thing you speak of instead of the long and brutal process of finding the right combination of meds and therapy. Problem solved. /s
Seems to be the case for most mental ailments. It’s hard for some people to grasp that other people experience life completely differently. It took me a long time and some very patient people to finally teach me that.
I have a very progressive siblings who is very pro-mental health and all that, but she never fails to mention how “those meds are so bad for you!” Yeah. I mean… I guess. The alternative is me being unable to care for myself. But whatever.
“Try exercising!”
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
People just. don’t. get it. And they need to acknowledge that they don’t. It’s fine!! Just don’t try to act like we’re on the same level playing field. We’re not!
Agreed, also people need to know how literal having “poor mental health” is. The margin you have for extra load or bad things happening is so much smaller. Similar to how an unexpected bill will be shoulder shrug for someone with good economy and a disaster for someone with bad economy.
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
Is that what that is? I’m in my 40s and trying to get diagnosed, and the possible ADHD has got worse over the last few years. I’ve gone through periods of weeks where I’m really struggling to get out of bed, and they coincide with each other.
Depression is also a condition that can cause this. Get a full health screening before you go fully looking into a diagnosis, but definitely keep it in mind if, physically, things turn up normal.
Also keep in mind that depression & anxiety can be comorbid with ADHD, which can often lead to frustrating misdiagnosis and being put onto medications that may not work quote right (if you choose to go that route). Hell, I’ve been told that “[you] don’t have ADHD – it’s trauma! PTSD!” As if the constant invalidatation of my condition wasn’t one of the reasons in part that led to my mistreatment and development of PTSD.
I hope that you are able to get answers soon and have things improve!
Oh yes, such as “just form good habits”…
Sorry, I’m incapable of making habits.
Or “think how good it will feel when you’re done”.
Sorry, best I can do is feel enough anxiety over not having done the thing that it will outweigh the anxiety I feel regarding doing the thing".
And if you’re really “lucky” it turns into PDA, “pathological demand avoidance” or as I prefer to call it “pervasive drive for autonomy”. Worst case you enter fight or flight mode due to any demands on you. My feeling is that it’s a understandable reaction to the feelings of anxiety demands have pushed on you over the years.
“Don’t be a quitter” is something that makes sense if you’re in the middle of a board game or the likes. It definitely shouldn’t be applied to big things like jobs or relationships.
as everything this has contexts in which is valuable and contests in which it’s not
don’t quit because you’re demoralised. don’t quit because you’re tired. don’t quit because it’s hard.
if your first natural response to adversities is flying instead of fighting, it’s telling you to fight, because you are likely the only person losing when flying.
it’s not about never change your mind. never critically think what’s the situation and if it’s still worth it.
or check up with yourself and see if that’s still what you want.
after all leaving a situation you don’t want anymore, it’s not quitting, it’s moving on
it seems just semantics, it’s about knowing yourself and being honest with yourself.
You dont have to keep going if you are tired and demoralized either. You dont owe pain and suffering and missed opportunities to your past self. You can quit any time you want for any reason or no reason at all, just be prepared to accept the consequences.
Someone told me that if I wanted to be a history teacher I should get a degree in special Ed to “make myself more marketable.” It took 14 years to get out of special education and land a job teaching history
Teaching as a profession sucks ass in general right now… but at least a lot of the special educator-specific bullshit is not my problem anymore. But thank you.
Coincidentally, I know someone who recently applied for a regular teacher’s assistant role and when they got to the interview the hiring director didn’t even ask questions about that position; instead they interviewed for a special ed job and then only offered that. It was a total bait & switch to try and fill a role nobody was applying for.
I got the same thing said to me but to go into math instead. I never listened to them. Now I’m looking for jobs and there’s a ton of openings for history jobs and I tend to feel a little smug about it.
I was a new dog owner, went to /r/Dogs to ask about a particular behavior my dog was exhibiting I’d never seen or read about before (turned out to be normal tho) and every reply I got basically told me I don’t know how to care for an animal and that I should give him to someone else.
It was then I realized that it wasn’t just /r/RelationshipAdvice that was full of bitter, jealous losers whose advice is always “dump them.” It applied to literally every single subreddit dedicated to advice. They may have started with good intentions and knowledgeable people, but over time filled up with people who had no business giving anyone advice.
Oh yeah even lifeprotips, if you go in the comments it’s just full of people grasping at straws to find the tip useless and upvoting each other’s cynicism
There was one: “If you want a fridge’s compressor to turn on and off less frequently (ie: if you sleep in the same room), fill it with water bottles to increase thermal mass” and the top comments were “Actual life pro tio: get an apartment with 2 rooms???”
I was like: are these people actually that slow?
The less there is to say about an advice, the less reasons you have to go write a comment. Therefore the people in the comments are often outliers
As a fellow dog owner, the internet always seems to be the most judgemental place to get dog advice. If you dont spend 6 hours a day training your dog, feed the top of the line kibble, and vax them for diseases only 3 dogs have got ever, then you dont deserve to have a dog.
People get so hand-wringy about what dogs can and can’t eat. Like I’ve had people tell me not to let my dog eat apple because there’s a chemical in apple seeds that’s converted to cyanide in the gut.
Like, first of all, I’m not feeding the seeds to my dog, and second of all there’s not enough of that stuff in one apple’s worth of seeds to hurt you, and third of all you’d have to basically chew the seeds into powder, a thing that dogs famously do not do, to get even that tiny harmless amount.
It’s not safe for dogs to eat chocolate, grapes, or alliums. Everything else is kinda fine. (And tbh growing up my family dogs ate all of those things a few times and were fine – how dangerous it is depends on the concentration of the toxic thing, the size of the dog, etc.)
“Nothing happens in god’s world by mistake.” “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Etc etc.
When 1 in 6 women has been sexually assaulted in their lives (and many men and NB folks), that’s a really fucked up thing to say. You never know what someone’s been through, and I’ve personally been through a lot of awful things. I guess it helps some people to tell themselves this kind of shit, but it is impossible to me to think of any kind of meaning that would make being a victim of violent crime “positive” or “worth it” or “a learning experience” blah blah blah. I think the term for that is “toxic positivity.”
So either “everything happens for a reason” is utter bullshit, or god is a sadistic fucking asshole.
I’m a Christian but I support the school of thought that says “shit happens”.
Another problem with the thinking “everything happens for a reason” is that it can lead to belief in “the just world”. When one thinks that life is fair you start to believe that bad things only happens to bad people, ie they deserve it.
Just be yourself also is good advice. Not that it will always be successful in advancing the relationship. But it will be less stressful for you and prevent you from wasting years of your life with someone who only likes you for your fake personality.
If you have a horrible personality work on that so just being yourself doesn’t mean being an asshole. Even then though at least anyone getting into the relationship will know that ahead of time and not after the divorce.
Is it not? If a relationship forms out of you not being yourself then that’s not healthy. Although you would have to be not-yourself constantly and at that point doesn’t that not-yourself become yourself?
Is this a “be the change you want to see in the world” kinda thing?
Our concept of self is more fluid than most people realise, and we will often be very different in different social groups. We might not even notice this until those social groups collide. Each version of yourself is no more or less “you” than any other.
Thanks for the quality comment. It really is difficult to define since the sense of self is just a concept to begin with.
By being yourself, I would take that to mean being true to your intentions, interests, and general demeanor in the moment. All those can change with time.
Avoiding things like pretending to be interested in sports, pretending to hate comics, pretending to be a “player”, pretending to be overly macho, hiding politics, etc are all things that I have seen people do. If your interests change that’s normal but I wouldn’t recommend feigning things that are untrue for you in the moment.
I think aspiring for self improvement would still count as being true to yourself if you genuinely want to improve.
The problem is that a version of this advice can be very helpful. As someone who has suffered from ongoing mental health issues and also work in an industry where I regularly support people with mental health issues, one piece of advice I often give is to identify what traumas are you unnecessarily holding on to, which are contributing to your depression/anxiety etc.
When you can let go of some of the more mundane stresses in your life, you have more energy to tackle the real issues you’re facing. Of course this is much easier said than done and has to be used as part of a more wholeistic approach, but sometimes the advice to just learn to let it go is very good advice.
Unfortunately, many people don’t understand that intricacy and so just repeat the surface level comment which is far from helpful. And this in turn also leads to a push back in the other direction where people who could genuinely benefit from letting go of some of their stress refuse to do so because they have spent so long being told that’s all there is to it.
There’s heaps of psychology research into therapeutic approaches and all that stuff out there if you’re willing to essentially do a degree on the topic, but personally I like to keep things as simple as possible so anyone can start applying it straight away.
I usually start with the picture story book The Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside (there’s a read along of it on youtube) to frame the conversation. It helps to set up the idea that the “worries” are real and are having an effect on the individual. Also that many people struggle to know how to deal with them and end up giving bad advice, often because they are carrying their own bag of worries. I also at this point remind them that we are unlikely to get rid off all the problems, eg I can’t cure your depression or rebuild your brain to make it neuro-typical, but we can make it so they are the only things in your bag making it a lot easier to carry.
Then I’ll talk about a Catastrophe Scale. This is where we take a worry and rank it on a scale out of 10 of how bad is it really. 1 is a minor problem that will go away on it’s own, and 10 is an extreme issue that will have a permanent impact on your life. Like in the book, many problems stop being an issue once you realize they are only a 1 or 2 on the scale. This is the “just get over it” point. Other’s need some attention but can easily be solved or passed on to someone else in your support network to handle, but once you’ve spent that small amount of energy, it’s gone. This is the where we see the value of another piece of despised advice, “stop worrying and just do it” or “have you tried going for a walk outside today”. Once again, often spouted advice by people who think of it as the only thing needed without understanding how it fits into a complete treatment plan.
Finally that just leaves the real problems, the ones that are less easy to deal with. But without having to carry the weight of the whole bag of worries, we now have a capacity to take those worries to therapy or a doctor to medicate etc, and just generally do the more difficult and complex work that’s needed.
And not me directly, but some years ago when my friend and I were both desperately seeking work, and running up against the “you need experience to get a job to gain experience” conundrum. His mentor told him to stop being so precious, and get a boring corporate job with a pension, maybe one that would pay his law school tuition. It wasn’t a thing yet, but wow, it would have been the perfect time to reply, “OK, Boomer.”
That’s like when they tell you to “pound the pavement” and ask to speak to the manager when you bring back your hard copy job application in person. It’s hard to even continue a conversation with someone who’s that out of touch.
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