For me it’s playing music. I had awesome grades in HS and had a full ride, but I was a way better drummer than pretty much anyone I knew. I played in a bunch of bands, and was invited to join one of the more well-known local bands in my pretty big city. I ended up giving up my scholarship to go try and make it with them. We made a record in a nice studio and went on tour and it was a promising start. By the time I was 20 I had seen most of the US. But even though I loved touring, I hated having to play every night, no matter what I was feeling. Playing original music with my friends always used to make me feel better, but having to do it all the time made it stop having that healing affect on me. Instead of making me feel better it was just another obligation that I had to do, no matter how I was feeling.
I was devastated when I realized that I had nothing to help me through the hard days. And I had a lot of hard days. As it turns out, I had untreated PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and type 2 bipolarity. Music was very much one of my go to strategies, and without it my symptoms got way worse. So playing music professionally ended up increasing my symptoms and also got rid of my only successful strategy for living with my symptoms.
We ended up having to take an extended break, during which I went back to school and finished my degree. For the first time since I was 8 I didn’t have my drums set up in my house. And for the first time since I was 15, I wasn’t playing in a single band. Normally I played in multiple bands, because they only practice once a week, and there are 7 nights!! But now I wasn’t playing at all. I had no desire to play. I went out on tour with my friend’s band just to travel and help, I didn’t play. And that was super fun, but I still had no desire to play
I lived like that for two miserable years before I slowly started playing again. But it’s no longer my career, or even a dream of a career, like it used to be. It’s way too important to me for me to ruin it by trying to get rich and live my rockstar dream. And now that I have actual rockstar friends, people who I played with who are in famous bands, I know what the life is like. And it’s really not a fantasy. Those MOFOs work hard, and they’re on the road for months and months at a time.
So that’s my best skill, but I don’t do it for a living. I’ve been playing in bands consistently my whole life, even as I went back to grad school, and then started my professional career as HS science teacher. But it’s been mostly cover bands, which honestly pays way more than I used to make except for our very biggest shows. But it’s not worth it and I’m just not willing to do it professionally. The first band I joined when I moved to my current state, we ended up getting a great reputation, and we ended up getting more and more shows. The other guys were doing this for a living, but I was just trying to have fun learning new songs and playing for people. Eventually I got tired and stopped, and swore off playing for money. This had been the ideal set up, playing with a really good friend, and it still got old. So I stopped playing for money. I did continue playing, but I just didn’t accept payment, and also felt okay calling in if I just want feeling it that day. I gave up $400 bucks or so on one show when we filled up this one little venue where people paid $20 a head. It was a fundraiser for our little hippie church, so I just donated my portion. But for ten years I wouldn’t accept any payment at all.
But it’s hard to say no. The thing is I’m honestly really good. I can play really well in any style, and I’m fucking great with rock and especially fast/heavy rock. So anyone that physically hears me play, if they have a band or even know of someone who has a band, I get asked. I literally went 5 years without playing anywhere at all except for on the band room at the high school where I teach. But then I ended up getting pulled into giving drum lessons by the owner of the music shop where I would buy gear, because he wanted a drum teacher for his own son. And the world needs rock and roll. So I let myself be talked into giving lessons, but only how and when I wanted to. So I took a few students on, and we ended up becoming friends. But then of course one day he needed a drummer to fill in for his regular guy. And shove I give lessons at his place, he knows I have chops. I came to a couple rehearsals, learned their whole set list, and we played a few shows where all I have to do is show up with my throne, my sticks, and my book. I get there and everything is set up for me. I’m a total fucking prima Don, but they want me and I’m just not willing to sacrifice anything at all. It was fun, and they asked me if I’d book some more with them and I said sure, but before I knew it we we’re doing 2-3 shows a week during the summers, which is NOT what I wanted to do with my summers off as a teacher! So I told them they could have me for one show and one rehearsal a month, and that’s it. I’m still violating my rules, but playing once a month gives it enough time between playing the songs so that they don’t hurt my brain anymore. Playing Stevie Wonder 3 times a week sucks. But playing it once a month is tolerable. And I like it when pretty women try to get me to notice them. I’m a single dad and I don’t date, but I do like it when pretty women give me those intense stares while they’re dancing. I swear watching a dude okay the drums while he makes you grind is definitely a lot of womens’ thing. So it’s sustainable, and technically I’m still doing it professionally, but really it’s more of a hobby that I can get paid to perform and teach. (Teaching pays way more than performing, but I physically can’t teach more than three lessons a day so there’s no hope in it for me!)
Meanwhile I finally have my own band again, where we’re writing our own songs. I know that the other players want to eventually play these songs, and I know people are going to like it because they always like it, and we’re doing something that no one else around here is doing. So we’re eventually going to have to play out. But I still have young kids, and I’m just not that into building a name. I’ll eventually tour with my old band again, and I’ll probably try to take this group on the road and play some big shows here if we ever build up a following with our recorded music (which we’re definitely going to release.) But I don’t want to play music for a living, and I don’t think anyone should do professionally the one thing they really need and they they love more than anything else. If you can deal with it not doing what it used to do, then that’s no problem. But if you depend on it for your happiness then you should probably not try to make it your whole life. I know there are people who can do that, but those people mostly either don’t have a choice because it’s the ONLY thing they can do, or else they have money enough to where they don’t have to make money doing it and can still devote as much time as they want to it.
Preach. I played piano and guitar growing up (no lessons, just dicked around until it made sense) and had a much lesser but similar experience. I worked long hours at work and did volunteer church stuff as the #2 of stage production while playing bass or guitar or running the sound board and also had a band that had an offer for a record deal (which was a shit deal but I digress). Then, in the middle of all that, while I was struggling for food and money at age 24, my mom suddenly died.
I stopped going to band practice and my bandmates weren’t capable of understanding what I was going through so they fired me and at that point I didn’t care. I went through the motions to keep the church stuff together. I didn’t touch my guitar or piano at home for nearly a year. Until one day, I just did for whatever reason. And I recorded a little two track cover (1 acoustic, 1 voice) of Green Eyes by Coldplay (because my mom had green eyes). And I spent maybe an hour mixing it in audacity and then threw it up on YouTube, idk why. Maybe as a little “hey, I think I’m gonna be okay after all” sorta update for my friends and family. I kinda got back into it, but as I’ve gotten busy with having a more successful career and meeting the woman who’s now my wife and moving away from the musicians in my life, I’ve shifted away from it again.
I’ve tried to get back into it at least a little bit, but I’m in an apartment and can’t feel comfortable making much noise, plus my guitar needs some attention and I just can’t muster up the motivation to fix it up myself. I’ve asked my wife to take it somewhere for the TLC it needs for a Christmas gift, but idk if that’s actually gonna happen.
A guy at work seemed to have really similar music tastes to me so I let slip that I play, and I showed him something I threw together in like 2 hours while under the influence. My dumbass texted him a link of it and he showed like half the people we work with, so now everybody knows I’m not just some amateur who learned Wonderwall at 15. And now I feel that pressure to do something with it. Like I’m letting people down by not taking this skill or talent or gift or whatever you wanna call it and sharing it at every opportunity. And that’s a feeling I did not miss. I just wanted a small project to myself so I could feel proud that I wasn’t wasting away on the couch, not to feel like a letdown that my ability was wasted on me. It makes me feel disappointed in myself for halting it while also feeling external pressure from people that I know mean to show support by being interested. I’m paralyzed and I hate that I can’t just do it and finish the project and feel complete and put it down. There’s no closure and I’m terrified that there never will be and it’s like I’m awake with anesthesia and I’m totally powerless as I watch my years tick away with no complete music project to show for all the countless hours of honing my craft.
So yeah, I’m a little fucked up by music too, I guess.
It’s complicated right?!? I’m sorry about your mom, but I’m glad you’ve been able to find some success and a partner in life.
Other people’s ideas of what we should do with our skills are such a pain. I definitely understand why so many performers prefer to remain anonymous!! Good luck to you my friend. I hope you can keep making music in exactly the way that you want to!
I was a chef for quite a while. I worked my way up from dishwasher to prep cook to line cook to running a dining area to banquet chef to running a program. I burned out because of a boss so fucking awful that I was suicidal for a while right around the time my mom died (it was a whole thing and there’s word vomit with more info in another comment here lol). I completely lost all joy in cooking. That motherfucker killed my passion to cook. It took years to get back to a point where I was excited to cook again.
The best thing I ever did for my passion to cook was quitting the industry to scrub fucking toilets. They say “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” Those people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, they’re just miserable in a cubicle and speculating about some passion they wish they were capable of, or worse, out of touch wealthy assholes trying to give advice to people they have nothing in common with.
They say “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” Those people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about
Exactly. If you love something, making a career out of it will likely drain your passion. This is why I won’t turn my hobbies into a profession. I hate my job, and I don’t want to risk hating the things I love doing.
I feel this phrase is a pretty sinister one, a tool for the employer to exploit the passion of the employee until they burn out, and making them feel guilty if they don’t do unpaid overtime or something… I don’t know the actual originator of this saying, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes from a business owner who exploited their industry.
Totally agree. That pressure was definitely there in food. They thought they were punishing me when they sent me home early and treating me by keeping me there late. Towards the end I did just enough to not get fired and completely shut down once my two weeks notice was given. I now know that I absolutely should’ve just walked out in the middle of a busy moment and fucked that boss over at hard as possible, but I thought I was doing something honorable or some shit.
Everybody out there: you don’t owe your company or boss a goddamn thing. If you have nothing to actually gain from not burning that bridge, napalm the fuck out of it because they’d do the same thing to you the moment it benefited them to do so.
but I thought I was doing something honorable or some shit.
Years ago, when I gave the boss my resignation letter, she asked me to stay longer than the required two weeks so they would have enough time to train my replacement… I was a sucker who stayed for 4 weeks and didn’t even get my last paycheck. I now know this is illegal, but back then I thought if I complained they wouldn’t give me a reference and I would be stuck without a job (low self-esteem makes it really easy for others to exploit you).
Haha yes! I love engineering and own an engineering company.
I’m lucky if I can spend 20% of my time doing anything even engineering-adjacent. The rest is figuring out tax law, calling to yell at people to pay their bills, or writing contracts.
Stories like that make me glad when I had the choice as a kid to go to Chef School or to get into Software Eng. I chose Software Eng. At the time it was down to the normal working hours being better for why I chose Tech, but as toxic and exploitive as Tech can be, it just seems to be nowhere near as bad as all of food service.
I still wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen to be a chef, and I still really enjoy cooking.
Art. I’m not judgy against people doing it, but I always see all these people with advanced modification tools and using them to make their art “better”, like photoshop contrast tools and color stuff, when to me, if my art is good it’s good. I got eighth place in an art contest once, yet I know (without really complaining about it though) that I would’ve gotten second place if people hadn’t put steroids into their sunsets.
What irks me a little is those same artists who use the metaphorical steroids are in the campaign against AI art, and I’m like dude, there are people from whom it would be more fitting to hear complaints from. Say what you want about AI art, I’m not going to severely invalidate the arguments from either side themselves, but considering the actual critics involved, it’s at least 90% hypocrisy from the “anti” side, and you’ll have seen me having said this since day one.
I fix stuff. I like fixing stuff. Cars, computers, cell phones, appliances, tvs, small motors, etc. It’s all like a little challenge/puzzle to me. I like doing it. It’s never been in my field of work, but I get asked all the time why I don’t do any of it for $$$.
I like to draw portraits. I’m decent. I draw what I want when I want. Some people have told me to sell some of my drawings or even ask me to draw them. I don’t want to do that cause: 1. I know I wouldn’t enjoy it, and 2. There are MANY, MANY more people better than me out there who DO this for money. Go ask them
I don't mean I'm better at them than everyone else, it's just that two of them are things people do sometimes nag me to do professionally, as per OP's question.
I find saying "so what, I'm good at sex too, doesn't mean I have to be a sex worker" gets my point across and stops the nagging, because that's something many people only enjoy as a hobby.
I had been involved with the labour board over a wrongful termination dispute. I made complaints about about an abusive workplace and was shitcanned as a result.
During the final settlement where the lawyers were fighting over what my settlement payment would be, my lawyer and I had a bit of a discussion revolving around mental health.
She suggested I should consider a move into mental health services as I was essentially writing off continuing my trade apprenticeship by this point. She noted that I am a good listener and have a very clear understanding of mental health. She even offered to get me in contact with those in the mental health field.
It’s been heavily on my mind to go down that path but a part of me is intimidated. I’ve been able to help a few close friends who all experienced some heavy mental issues over the past couple years but these are people who I’ve become close to and am able to help them through a deep understanding of them.
I tend to get attached to people easily and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to separate work thoughts from my own thoughts meant for my own time. What heavy burdens will make it home with me?
Would I be good at working in such a field? According to my lawyer and those closest to me, I’d be great. But what am I going to do about my own mental health if I follow that path path? I can barely handle children and I’m the biggest kid in my own life. It’s already a monumental effort to keep myself fed and not spontaneously running into traffic.
Lot of social workers or mental health workers are using their own experiences to improve the support provided to their beneficiaries. Also, if you undergo training in the field, you will obtain tools that can help you better manage your own experiences. And finally, it’s important to know that you’re not “helping” anyone; they do it themselves. You only provide them with the tools or a perspective that might motivate them to take action.
It depends where you could get in. People with insurance seeking therapy out for themselves are awesome. That kind of job probably pays enough and respects their employees. Don’t get anywhere near anything to do with Medicaid if you value your salary, your self respect, and your mental well-being.
Argentine tango. I like doing it with my partner, but I have zero desire to compete or travel to Argentina or even seek out the best teachers available. I can lead strangers and have enough variety in vocabulary that I don’t get bored. That’s enough.
Writing. Specifically, tech writing. I’ve got an intuitive sense for it, but other than business communication and the occasional bit of internal documentation I don’t have any desire to do it professionally.
I get along great with our tech writer, though, since I’m the only other person at the company who can hold a discussion about the Oxford comma.
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