How do you handle being upset about something online?
like either a dumbass posting stupid shit, unfair bans, idiotic arguments, etc etc. i feel so incredibly stupid letting it affect me at all, but then also there’s real feelings mixed in there because it’s a real argument i give a shit about to some degree. so it’s this odd double crossing where i know it’s stupid but i process it as being real.
bonus points for not answering ‘go outside drink water read a book’ etc etc
either ignore it or use factual calm statements to lure out personal attacks and then report them. I got a bunch of people banned from reddit this way before I was banned for “threatening violence” in a comment where I didn’t threaten anyone at all, or mention any violent acts. Things are much calmer and more “adulty” here. Besides any political discussion of course.
My response comes down to what I feel the other person’s intent is. If they’re a troll, I don’t engage to begin with - downvote and move on. If we entered into a conversation but I find that they’re arguing in bad faith (they want to argue, not reach an understanding), then I say something like “I’m not going to argue with you about it, but I appreciate your perspective” (even if I don’t). If it seems like it could be a useful disagreement, though, I’ll consciously remind myself that there’s a person behind the text, and I’ll continue the conversation until it reaches an end. It may be uncomfortable, but remembering that we’re all just humans being human helps me tone myself down.
With time, you end up realizing that you gain nothing from these interactions, so it’s best to ignore them, and focus on those that make your life better.
No matter if it’s the internet or real life, life’s too short to waste it on meaningless discussion with stupid people, they won’t change and you’ll only waste time.
Use your time and energy in meaningful things, and try to be a happier person.
I like to lead such people on in bad faith. watching them go from thinking they are the ones in control of the conversation to realising they are being played is actually quite fun. Bonus points for the rabid PMs they might start sending towards the end. Just knowing you can rile someone up so much when they expected to control the narrative is great
It doesn’t happen often, but I do this for people in my life occasionally as well with online. I type out a whole response that I would want to say. Then I delete it without sharing it. It is often enough for me to realize it just doesn’t matter and it is better to move on.
if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
It’s a good idea. You get to rehearse your response to something touchy that somebody might mention IRL at a dinner or campfire or whatever. It helps you evaluate your own understanding before saying something ignorant or too extreme that winds up negatively affecting a good friendship.
When I first started participating online I made the mistake of regurgitating IRL a lot of opinions and garbage I read in spaces I thought I agreed with, at least adjacently. When I noticed other people doing this in my cohort I got a serious case of the cringe and made an effort to be a little more real to myself.
Now various channels are other worlds to practice my thoughts before expressing them materially, before possibly causing discomfort to people I like. I’m thankful for online spaces taking the burrs off or otherwise letting the dough proof
This, along with keeping in perspective that troll farms exist and operate on social media because more interactions mean more usage, and more usage means more value to the platform because these numbers prove people are using it. So the trolls causing friction make the platform owners richer, the trolls try to go viral on bad takes (for clout or other direct financial gain by ‘influencing’), and this is how and why there seems to be so many people seeming to be ‘extreme’ (while some certainly are, others are emboldened and just follow their lead when it seems that there’s no negative consequence). End of the day, if someone’s trying to get your goat, don’t let them buy it with bullshit.
Beware my answer is extremely practical and "Vulcan" so to speak. With that said...
My rule for this and other things is "will I remember/care about this in a couple of days?" If the answer is no -and for most, if not all online interactions, the answer is absolutely not- then why let it occupy your mind now if it's gonna leave it soon anyways. That's why I don't bother interacting with any response that is even mildly adversarial... why bother? Both you and the other person will have forgotten about it the day after tomorrow.
Like, try to remember an specific adversarial online interaction you had from like a month ago... it's probably hard to come up with a particular one. It's just a matter of looking at it from that future perspective in the present.
But maybe, even when trying to adopt that position, you are still overwhelmed with the feeling that you need to prove that you are right or the other person is wrong. In that case, remember two maxims for internet discussion:
1 - Everyone has already chosen their position, and is not changing it.
2 - There is no price for being right.
So, from a practical perspective, you will just be wasting your time trying to prove anything, since it won't change anyone's mind and you will not gain anything from it.
For me looking at it from these perspectives helps me to be "oh well, whatever"
If I haven’t engaged yet, I should try to keep in mind whether it’s worth my time to engage, whether I’m really qualified to represent the opposing viewpoint, etc. Often, I’m just not the right person or it’s not the right time.
If I feel like I need to change this person’s opinion in order to be okay, it’s less about them and more about me. I probably feel like there’s some part of my humanity that isn’t being recognized here. The thing is: Responding to them by being hostile to their perspective is gonna make them feel exactly the same way, and neither of us are gonna get what we want.
It’s much better to ask: “I’m curious why you see it that way. I see it differently, and here’s why” focusing way more on what I’m subjectively bringing to table rather than what makes it an objectively better argument. Curiosity also invites them into a collaborative exercise instead of a zero-sum duel. It’s crazy that we view online debates as like… if I learned something in the process, I’m the loser! What a weird way to look at it! If I phrase it in a way where we can both feel good about changing our minds just a little bit, we’ll both feel way better.
It’s also helpful to recognize the difference between positions and interests/motivations. Two people might both want an orange, but there’s only one orange. Alice’s position is “I want that orange”. But their interest might be that they want to make orange juice with it. And Bob’s interest might be that he wants to zest the peel to make an orange cake. They could easily both be happy here, but not realize it because they’re stuck fighting on what to do instead of why they want to do that. Even if I don’t get the discussion to that point, it can be helpful to assume that the other party has reasons for their position that are different from the reasons for mine, and they might both be valid.
And along those lines… just because I’m right doesn’t mean the other person is wrong. Sometimes more than one thing can be true. The world is messy, the truth resists simplicity, and plenty of things – and people – are contradictory while still being valuable.
Finally: I should try to recognize when someone is simply acting in bad faith and cut my losses way before getting emotionally invested. Sometimes online content is literally a trap, and I don’t have to keep walking towards it after already realizing it’s a trap just because I’m curious what kind of trap it is. Innuendo Studios’ series on “The Alt-Right Playbook” is a great guide to recognizing this behavior: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJA_jUddXvY7v0VkYR…
By not getting upset about something online. Here’s a person, you have not seen, behind a computer screen, most likely on another continent which you have no idea where. Who gives a fuck what they think or say, let them go.
I think it’s important to remember that when you are interacting online, especially with an unknown person, there is no relational component. You are effectively just words or text to them, there isn’t a “person” behind what they are reading. It’s very easy to be obstinate or argumentative with just words because you can’t see the reaction or impact on the other person. So it’s nearly impossible to change someone’s mind in that format unless they are really being genuine and looking to have an exchange of ideas.
I’ve found the best way for myself to handle these types of situations is to realize nothing I say is going to impact them or change their mind. If I’m really wound up I might type a response out to get the frustration and energy out and then delete it. I usually feel better after that and can move on with my day but engaging further is just going to lead to further frustration because you can’t actually reach the person.
The best option is to not engage. What are you trying to get out of the argument with the other person? Are they arguing in good faith? Odds are, they are either a troll trying to get under your skin, or will never change their mind because they are too entrenched on their side. By engaging, you are wasting your time and likely ruining your day for no reason.
The basic skill of mindful meditation is to be aware of thoughts as they arise and in doing so avoid the trap of being identified with them and captured by them. Without needing to obtain a saffron robe and head up a mountain for a few years, you can just accept that your mid is going to start its "This fool needs to be schooled!" routine and (almost) instantly understand that you don't need to school the fool despite the strong inclination to do so.
Not only doe this free you from the rarely productive effort of schooling fools, but helps get you past the feelings so that you can better judge when you want to spend the effort to school a fool, then do so without the emotional baggage which will undermine your lesson.
Like all such things, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Given the overwhelming number of active fools and their endless reinforcements, you're going to get plenty of practice.
As for trite advice concerning molesting vegetation, exposure to the elements, pursuing nominally rewarding activities, etc. the underlying wisdom of keeping a healthy grasp on the big picture such that judgements of how to spend the limited resource which is our attention can also be reinforced by your practice.
With that deep insight and wisdom out of the way, keep schooling the fools*. We are those fools and we need schooling from time time. Do it with kindness and as much skill as you have for the good of us all.
*[Some of those fools are, of course, trolls. Even then, your audience is larger than the troll.]
I struggle with this too sometimes, from a couple angles. Primarily, I’m worried about how people perceive me. I’ve been practicing not giving a shit what other people think of me for about a decade now, and I’m pretty good, but it doesn’t always work. I have to remind myself that it just doesn’t matter if a stranger disagrees with me, or thinks I’m a fuckwad/idiot/etc, just like my opinion of them doesn’t change their life. We don’t know each other. Their negative opinion of me has no real impact on my life, and holding onto that helps me move past caring about their opinion.
Secondarily, I stress about misinformation/toxic ideas being spread. I pipe up in a lot of discussions about feminism and the patriarchy because I want to clarify misconceptions that a lot of people hold about these issues. But, as far as I know, I’ve never changed someone’s mind, and the effort just brings me down. I have to remind myself it’s not my responsibility to teach someone why they might be wrong. The odds that I would actually succeed are very low, unless the person is genuine and asking questions in good faith.
ETA: lastly, I ask myself how I want to feel today. Do I want this random asshole to ruin my day? I don’t want to give them that power over me. So I work to take back that power and make sure I have a good day in spite of their efforts.
I’ve learned to walk away. I used to bite, hard. But now I might give them the accurate answer then leave their tirade and maybe even block them. I have this lovely wife. Great kids. I’d rather put down phone and see what they’re up to than engage with some guy online who probably doesn’t even whipe their own arse.
Something that really helped me on this front (that’s carried over to the way Lemmy is built, too) is that nested comments get less and less visible. At some point, it really is just you and the other person arguing and no one else is even watching. When I ask myself the question “is this really someone I want a one-on-one conversation with?” the answer is almost always no.
It’s really limited my back-and-forth to one, maybe two responses from me per exchange (bad or good). It clearly defines an endpoint to the conversation, and if there’s something I really feel like I have to say, it’s gotta be in that first or second reply. That habit has helped me so much.
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