A few weeks ago, someone asked me what makes me happy or what I enjoy doing. I said, among others, that I liked playing the guitar very much, but hadn't done it in a while. Couldn't say why I hadn't.
This bothered me. I thought about it and finally found out why I had stopped: I had played something for a friend and felt very ashamed afterwards. Why did I do it in the first place? Why this song? How could I even think it was worth showing?
@VoxofGod@actuallyautistic You're absolutely right. It should be about enjoying the music/art, for the sake of cherishing beauty. Not about perfectionism and performance. It's hard to change the way you're thinking when things are so deeply engraved in your mind though.
About any question the reason I have to speak so forcefully about this stuff is because the voices in my head are constantly trying to persuade me that I'm wrong about that
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I feel this. I love playing guitar and I've been in situations where I wanted to play it around people but I'm too scared of shame to do that. I actually chose to bring a guitar on a camping trip with family and then intentionally accidentally left it across the river from our site because I was too scared to play it.
when I'm alone I rock out. but honestly just the idea of making noise like that goes against my "lay low" approach to surviving life
You could try out playing for one or two people you really really trust. It's no guarantee you won't feel bad about it afterwards, but it may be worth trying.
On the other hand, judging from my own experience, I shouldn't give any piece of advice in this regard I guess.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic ok so check this out… a friend of mine asked me last year to play bass backup for two songs at an event. I spent a week leaning both really well. At the event, he already had another bass but needed a guitar. So I was enlisted to do that. It was glorious and terrible. I did well with the two songs I knew the chords to, but the 3rd had weird chords I couldn’t recognize by ear (I’m tone deaf-ish) or by watching the bass. I just hung on lol
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic Wow, but you did this! How did you feel in the situation and how afterwards? To me, the whole experience sounds rather encouraging. I mean, you didn't know (all) the chords in that last song, but you managed somehow. And the other two seem to have gone quite well. So, you might try playing for a good friend...? Or together with other learners?
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic in some ways it was a dream come true. My childhood dream was to be a rock star. So it felt really cool when we were on the same song and I was contributing to the vibe. The last song was 100% shame filled and I was a mess every second just begging Time to move faster as I pretended to play and tried to hit the occasionally correct note. But at the end, the crowd loved everything and it was great. I’m happy about it for sure…
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic …but my stage work is best left to poetry. I feel at home in that space and my local following is enough to keep me happy about that 😀
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I never enjoyed a stage until I tried spoken word about 2 years ago. I got ok at teaching bc I loved the content, & figuring out how to teach to kids in ways that work. In my post bacc program, I had to bail a major presentation bc of stagefright, and I kinda hate being in front of people in many spaces. But I’ve always been drawn to the idea of performing, for sure. That’s it I think- not any stage but that kind of creative achievement
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I’ve always sought attention for my writing. For decades I never got it. I got bad grades in school bc my creative writing was too offbeat or weird. I’ve queried two novels - one got over 100 rejections. Getting positive feedback from the stage was a feeling I never imagined and I’m grateful I found a space for it. I nevertheless hate attention and hate when people have eyes on me.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic nah...one was a coming of age, stream of consciousness book that has some great bits but I'm not sure it was worth publishing. the second was a fictionalized account of my experiences on and after 9/11 in NYC, and it was described as vivid and "overly self-conscious" by a variety of rejecting agents, who only read the first 50 pp.
I published some excerpts years ago on Newsvine when I used to write there...I'll see if I can dig anything up :)
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic and I'm "in progress" on a 3rd novel that I almost finished shortly before my special interest switched from that to spoken word poetry. I'm letting that simmer and getting close to going back into it for some major edits. I'd like to make that into something, but novel writing is tough bc it takes a lot of extended dedicated time, and it's difficult for me to accomplish that during the school year.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic thats always been my plan. I got a lot of work done on it during early COVID. I got caught up in spoken word during the winter of 21-22, and thats about when I stopped. I have a full first draft, with a few missing parts toward the end. but I overwrote it, and since I've shifted to poetry more lately, I see ways I can edit it into something tighter and stronger
I've written a bunch of short stories too :) I really should collect my work somewhere :thinkerguns:
@seanwithwords@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I've been asked again and again why I'm not in a band since I love keyboards and synthesizers so much, but I just don't play well with others. Whenever I hit a wrong key or miss a beat, I completely lose it. The only way I can make music is when I'm all alone with my MIDI sequencer. The audience can listen to the recording, I refuse to play live music.
@LordCaramac@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I’m nodding along 😀 I can play great on my own but self consciousness takes over when I’m being watched. I can also answer most of the Jeopardy questions each nite but I have to remind my partner all the time that if I did apply and ever got on that stage, I’d completely dissolve. What I do perform on stage is VERY carefully rehearsed. I love that you’re recording yr work! 🤗
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic like every time I play and sing. I’ll work through it, practice it until I can get through it, and convince myself it’s good, and folks hate it. Like, I know I don’t have the gene, but I was sure if I worked and tried hard enough I could do a song or two. And there’s the whole process, the work and the satisfaction of it - but no-one knows, no-one cares. I can’t stop so I’ll just keep trying to keep it to myself, I guess. 👿
@punishmenthurts@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic
That’s kind of my process to many things. Except for playing music. Beautiful insight, it’s hard to explain, as you yourself are learning at the same time.
It’s still great to share processes like these.
Thanks so much ♾️❤️
I think my focus starts hearing the whole song, and then my cats distract me, I think perhaps if I tried headphones just hearing the notes I’m supposed to be hitting at the time.
Just my observation. I’m still trying, I’m quite horrible unless with drums at a drum circle. shrugs
Doesn’t help that from the years of hypervigeliene with anxiety I have slight tremors.
Even though I feel great despite my partner and I being sick. It doesn’t mean life isn’t full and beautiful. Just grateful for another day to learn and explore and contribute.
@EVDHmn@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic since a medical retirement in '16, I have given my guitar and my voice Malcolm Gladwell's theoretical 10,000 hours and gotten nowhere, I really don't have the gene, just a desperate Autistic desire to mask that way, sing a popular song, you ought to be loved, right? LOL.
I have other challenges, tiny fingers. So my ambition is gone, if I can get through a music book strumming version and feel like I can sing it, that's enough. No music is too simple for me. But I have another Autistic urge and that is to rewrite songs (thus defeating the "popular," idea). There are music Mastodon sites, of course, I'm trying Musicians.today. Just posted this ultra simple parody:
.
The siren's mournful wail at night
Some neighbor gave it up
The daytime cars drown them out
I'm so lonesome I could cry
The early morning garbage trucks
Hydraulic grunts and sighs
Still some hours 'til the sun comes up
I'm so lonesome I could cry
The homeless camp is just outside
They see your electric lights
They know it's just your stupid luck
I'm so lonesome I could cry
The silence doesn’t penetrate
The noise defies the sky
As I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry
❤️
@punishmenthurts@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic I don't think that after 10,000 hours you have gotten nowhere. We shouldn't compare too much to others (preaching this to myself as well).
Your song is so sad and beautiful at once. I think the expression of thoughts and feelings in such a way is art and is an achievement in itself. It's your thing, your expression, nobody should judge that.
I totally get the wish to perform, be seen and acknowledged. We don't often have that.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic OK, not "no-where." You know what happens, same as it was when I tried to golf: the score never gets better, but being that bad gets easier. I can learn a song faster now - but I still can't tell when I'm in key. It's not negative self, talk, it's just realism, I really have given it some reps. 😘
It seems your condition makes it way harder to achieve what you want. But finger exercise and small steps can be very rewarding. The cats seem to like it. So, just continue in your own pace and enjoy it.
@punishmenthurts@actuallyautistic This must be so frustrating. Do people actually tell you they didn't like it? I mean, you can be honest and still be nice...
I don't know how bad I am. I really enjoy playing the guitar because I like to sing along. It's nice, even if I'm on my own. But lately, the stale feeling won't go away and somehow I can't bring myself to restart. I want to, but then I'll find excuses.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic
the last time I tried to play with/for someone, I had the wrong chord, and the reaction - which they deny, and this was family, so a lotta baggage - was this awful face, like, I think it's all amplified by the so called Double Empathy Problem, like I can't just hit a wrong chord, I felt hated for it, like if I hit the wrong chord I'm doing it on purpose to hurt them somehow.
But yeah, I swore I would never again.
@punishmenthurts@actuallyautistic This is really awful. Everyone hits a wrong chord now and then. I totally understand that you don't feel like ever playing (for them) again. Still hope you'll keep on playing.
@punishmenthurts@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic
Owwwwe.
I’ve sung in choirs, & was asked to sing solo once, in front of a relatively small group, with no choir present, & felt duty bound to do so. (With no notice, rehearsal, preparation.) I tried too hard to sing loudly & the result was not good. One of those memories that has me wanting to retreat to the back of the wardrobe in a small ball. ( or a big one. I’m not small.)
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I stopped playing guitar for 10 years because of anxiety. I used to have to perform for my guitar teacher. I tried to unlearn everything. Now I'd like to learn again for myself. I hope you can find a way to do it again.
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@actuallyautistic I played for about a year. I haven't started again (anxiety) but I intend to. I really enjoyed it before. I need to record some guitar for my son's game soundtracks too.
How about we make a deal: we play at least one or two songs only for ourselves until the end of this week. Then, we talk about how it felt. Would you like to?
Add comment